Just a few jokes 5/26/2017

Written by chuck on May 25, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Pollution in the air doesn’t cause “global warming”, pollution blocks the sun and causes COOLING.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, Officer?”

The trooper asks: “What are you doing?”.

The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: “And,her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lovers’ Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: “What’s your age, young man?”

The young man says: “I’m 22, sir.”

The trooper asks: “And her, what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes!

World Cruise
————————-

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years
suggested they take a cruise: “We could go somewhere for a week, and make
wild love like we did when we were young!” He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle
of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,
“I’ve been thinking. There’s no reason we can’t go for a month.” So Mr.
Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick
pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, “You know,
since the children are on their own, what’s stopping us from cruising the
world?”

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The
pharmacist finally had to ask.

“You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30
years. I certainly don’t mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why
the hell do you do it?”

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.

Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

“Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the lion, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.

The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says……..

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”

Moral of this story…

Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Brilliance only come with age and experience.


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Toothpaste isn’t just meant for teeth.

Written by chuck on May 16, 2017 – 6:00 am -

written by D.G. Sciortino on January 27th, 2017

Toothpaste isn’t just meant for teeth. Here are 16 genius ways to use it that you never expected

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Just a few jokes 5/11/2017

Written by chuck on May 10, 2017 – 10:30 pm -



Notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life point away from earth.

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage. He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, “congratulations Harry, I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for twenty-two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”
“But sir”, said Harry, “a little bit confused, I’m not getting married until tomorrow!” “Yeah, I know”, said his boss.

North Miami Beach Bank Robbery

A hooded robber burst into a North
Miami Beach bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full
of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave
customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the
robber’s face.

The robber shot the customer without a
moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and
noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot the teller.

Everyone in the bank, by now very
scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, “Well… did anyone else see my face?”

There are a few moments of utter
silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to
speak.

Then, one little old Jewish man
tentatively raised his hand and said, “I think my wife
here got a pretty good look at you.”


SKIPPING CHURCH:

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

PEACE BE WITH YOU!



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Just a few jokes 4/24/2017

Written by chuck on April 23, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

It has taken me almost all day to get nothing done at all.

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it….
Cars are backed up for miles…

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Where Are Trumps Tax Returns?
During a recent Trump stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, “Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?”
The Donald politely responded, “I’ve found a very secure place where I’m certain they will never be found.”
The insistent heckler, then shouted, “And just where is that, dummy”?

The Donald smiled and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.

What’s your next question?”



Astute Observations On Life…

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech — every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.(Mark Twain)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. (Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ (Joe Namath)

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.(Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)



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Why women live longer than men.


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Just a few jokes 4/14/2017

Written by chuck on April 14, 2017 – 2:08 am -

A little girl was leaning into a lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the wh…ole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies “I’m a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump”.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **
And THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.” The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
“Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.”

After 3 or 4 martini…s, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?”

“Because I don’t want any of those hags sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, “Putting Your Affairs In Order.”




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1.5 million balloons

Written by chuck on April 2, 2017 – 10:04 am -

In 1986, fueled by whatever fueled the 1980s and a desire for some good publicity for the city, the city of Cleveland, Ohio, released 1.5 million balloons into the city sky.

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Just a few jokes 3/10/2017

Written by chuck on March 10, 2017 – 12:38 pm -

I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere”.

I despise people who mix up there, their and they’re. It’s worse than not knowing the difference between your left and write….

“It is easier to be gay in a room full of Republicans than it is to be Republican in a room full of gays.” Alexander Hornaday

Have you ever noticed that every picture of a Bigfoot has been made with a crappy camera?

A speaker began a seminar, pulling a crisp, new bill from his pocket, and asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?”
Hands started going up. He said, “I’m going to give this $20 bill to one of you, but first let me do this.” he proceeded to crumple up the bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it?” Still the hands were up in the air.
“Well,” he replied, “what if I do this?” He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor, so now the bill was not only crumpled, b…ut also dirty. “Now who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.

“My friends, you have all learned a valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value in the eyes of those who love you. You are special – don’t ever forget it.”

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, “What size farm do you have?”
The Englishman proudly announced, “Thirty-five acres!”
“Thirty-five acres?” the Texan scoffed. “Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
“Ah, yes,” the Englishman nodded in understanding. “I had a truck like that once.”

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Make America Great Again? This is what Trump has to work with.

Written by chuck on March 10, 2017 – 10:05 am -

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How to clean a cat litter box.

Written by chuck on March 8, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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How to replace….

Written by chuck on March 2, 2017 – 10:00 am -

Men know how to do this but women may not. Easy instructions.


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