Just a few jokes 3/10/2017

Written by chuck on March 10, 2017 – 12:38 pm -

I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere”.

I despise people who mix up there, their and they’re. It’s worse than not knowing the difference between your left and write….

“It is easier to be gay in a room full of Republicans than it is to be Republican in a room full of gays.” Alexander Hornaday

Have you ever noticed that every picture of a Bigfoot has been made with a crappy camera?

A speaker began a seminar, pulling a crisp, new bill from his pocket, and asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?”
Hands started going up. He said, “I’m going to give this $20 bill to one of you, but first let me do this.” he proceeded to crumple up the bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it?” Still the hands were up in the air.
“Well,” he replied, “what if I do this?” He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor, so now the bill was not only crumpled, b…ut also dirty. “Now who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.

“My friends, you have all learned a valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value in the eyes of those who love you. You are special – don’t ever forget it.”

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, “What size farm do you have?”
The Englishman proudly announced, “Thirty-five acres!”
“Thirty-five acres?” the Texan scoffed. “Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
“Ah, yes,” the Englishman nodded in understanding. “I had a truck like that once.”

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Make America Great Again? This is what Trump has to work with.

Written by chuck on March 10, 2017 – 10:05 am -

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How to clean a cat litter box.

Written by chuck on March 8, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Wise Words

Written by chuck on February 23, 2017 – 6:00 am -

“Once something is a passion, the motivation is there.” – Michael Schumacher
“No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking.” – Voltaire

“If I have been able to see farther than others, it was because I stood on the shoulders of giants.” – Sir Isaac Newton

“Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” – Aristotle

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” – Winston Churchill

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” – Robert McCloskey

“Never follow a bad move with a stupid move.” – Anonymous from the Accurate Reloading Forum

“It doesn’t matter how many dogs bark up the wrong tree, it is still the wrong tree.” – Fritz Perls

“If it is not factually correct, it will not be taken seriously by those who spot its errors. If it is not grammatically correct, it will not be understood. If it is not appropriate for its audience, it will be utterly useless.” – JG Ferguson

“I have no idols. I admire work, dedication and competence.” – Ayrton Senna

“Show me a man who cannot bother to do little things and I’ll show you a man who cannot be trusted to do big things.” —Lawrence Bell

“Argue for your limitations and sure enough they’re yours.” — Richard Bach
“We should every night call ourselves to an account: What infirmity have I mastered today? What passions opposed! What temptation resisted? What virtue acquired?” — Marcus Annaeus Seneca

“All of us are watchers — of television, of time clocks, of traffic on the freeway — but few are observers. Everyone is looking, not many are seeing.” — Peter M. Leschak

“Don’t find fault, find a remedy.” — Henry Ford
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.” — Art Linkletter

“You cannot speak that which you do not know. You cannot share that which you do not feel. You cannot translate that which you do not have. And you cannot give that which you do not possess. To give it and to share it, and for it to be effective, you first need to have it. Good communication starts with good preparation.” — Jim Rohn

“The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.” — Henry Ward Beecher

“There is an ancient script that says, ‘He that wishes to be ignorant, let him be ignorant.’ But I took off the last word and it now reads for me like this: He that wishes to be ignorant, let him be!” — Jim Rohn

“When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be
something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.” — Barbara J. Winter

“Determine what specific goal you want to achieve. Then dedicate yourself to its attainment with unswerving singleness of purpose, the trenchant zeal of a crusader.” -Paul J. Meyer

“How well we communicate is determined not by how well we say things, but how well we are understood.” — Andrew Grove

“Every now and then go away…for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer.” — Leonardo da Vinci

“Courage is a special kind of knowledge: the knowledge of how to fear what ought to be feared and how not to fear what ought not to be feared.” David Ben-Gurion

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. ~ Alvin Toffler.

The obvious is always least understood. ~ Prince Metternich.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. ~ Douglas Adams.

The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best — and therefore never scrutinise or question.
~ Stephen Jay Gould.

“The majority of people are ready to throw their aims and purposes overboard and give up at the first sign of opposition or misfortune. A few carry on despite all opposition until they attain their goal. There may be no heroic connotation to the word ‘persistence,’ but the quality is to the character of man what carbon is to steel.” — Napoleon Hill

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Just a few jokes 2/21/2017

Written by chuck on February 20, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Lost a dear friend last night….Jose’.

At approx 3:34am, I was abruptly awakened by two gun shots and glass breakage at the opposite end of the house.

I grabbed the .45 and rolled out of bed quietly listening for any movement. My Cav training kicked in… Weaver stance, safety off, quick peek out the bedroom door, weapons hot…

No sign of movement… No sound of an intruder..

With all the stealth of Paul Blart, the mall cop, I moved thru the house clearing room by room, ch…ecking behind doors, closets, windows…..nothing was left to chance.

A quick glance of the front surveillance camera showed nothing. Rear….nothing.

I belly-crawled into the kitchen like Tom Cruise on an Impossible Mission….still no signs of a burglar.

But then I noticed….the refrigerator door ajar..

I slowly opened to find carnage and horror.

Apparently, 2 canned rolls of Pillsbury biscuits had froze and burst next to a bottle of Jose Cuervo. The impact caused it to hit the fridge door, then shatter.
Jose died from an IED..

We never talked much, and he was only a year old….but he was always there nonetheless.
Adios, amigo.

Heard on the news that balloon prices are going up. Probably due to inflation.

Two thirds of Americans can’t do fractions. The other half just don’t care.

Loving Relationship

At a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband – “I love you, Sweetheart.”

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their text.

Below are 12 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you’ll understand that these replies are a sign of “a long caring relationship.” Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don’t understand what you mean?

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buz…zard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?”

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because … her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand – the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer,” said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes, that is my final answer.”

Two minutes later, Regis said, “That answer is … absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!”

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ,” said the contestant. “How did you happen to know the right answer?”

“Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”

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Students Protesting Trump’s Travel Ban

Written by chuck on February 14, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Business Plus

Written by chuck on February 8, 2017 – 6:00 am -

The working world today is alive, ever-evolving landscape with countless interconnected parts. Enter the year you were born below, and get a personalized view of just how far this business world has come.

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Great hacks that save time & money

Written by chuck on February 4, 2017 – 6:00 am -

We all look for ways to make our lives a little bit easier. But how do you it without cutting corners or sacrificing quality? With a little bit of ingenuity, it’s not as hard as you might think! To get you started, we rounded up the best life hacks from around the web to help you. If it will make your life easier, we’ve got it right here!

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Just a few jokes 1/26/2017

Written by chuck on January 26, 2017 – 8:12 am -


Perspectives to ponder

I suspect several are incorrectly attributed. Nevertheless …

Quotes on Sex

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.”

Lynn Lavner

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”

George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”

Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”

Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”

Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

Robin Williams

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front
of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”

Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
So what’s the problem?”

Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked !”

Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to
run one at a time.”

Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”

Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you
pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

Oscar Wilde

Kentucky Fried Chicken has just introduced the Hillary Bucket:
2 large thighs 2 small breasts and 2 left wings

I like KFC and enjoy going there; however, I don’t believe I’ll be ordering this new menu item. LOL!!

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for 1,000 cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell. He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.” They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.” They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”

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Huge explosion caught on dashcam lights up the night’s sky

Written by chuck on January 24, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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