Just a few jokes 8/2/2016

Written by chuck on August 2, 2016 – 6:00 am -

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.


john deer

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?”

“You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.”


man on the moon

E= mc2

Einstein developed and proved this remarkable formula: Energy = Mass x  Speed of Light squared.  A brilliant genius as we all know.
 
Another lesser known of Einstein’s formulas determined; if you were to strip naked and run around in a circle at the speed of 298 KM/sec (the speed of light) it could be possible for you to screw yourself.
 
Should you determine you are not physically capable of achieving that speed at your age, you can easily achieve the same result by voting Democrat in the November 8, 2016 election.   


big plans for the weekend

WHO WILL PAY THE PECKER CHECKER?
 
There are important questions to be answered about this LGBT bathroom legislation and transgenders being able to use a restroom of the gender that they “identify” with.
 

Will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?
 
Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers?  the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?
 
And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?
 
Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked by each Pecker Checker?
 
How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?
 
What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?
 
Want to guess their motto………..???
 
“If you gotta pee – We gotta see!”


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Just a few jokes 7/27/2016

Written by chuck on July 27, 2016 – 6:00 am -

Once a Marine, always a Marine!

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, “Honey, do you remember this?”
He looked up from his newspaper and said; “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”
She said, “Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”
He nodded and said “Yes dear, I said: ‘Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out’.”
She giggled and said, “That’s exactly what you said.  So now it’s fifty years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say now?”
He looked her up and down and said, “Mission Accomplished.”
{He never heard the shot.}


fast camera womans mouth shut

First the Apple

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car.

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn’t break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

Adam ate the apple, too!

Men will never learn!


text back

I went to a Pub last night and saw a Big woman dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.” The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?” I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
 
Cost me 6 more stitches. But when you are over seventy….who cares?


stoned off of your ass

*How to TALK *

Talk to *Mother* _lovingly_ ,
Talk to *Father* _respectfully ,_
Talk to *Brothers* _heartfully _,
Talk to *Sisters* _affectionately ,_
Talk to *Children* _enthusiastically ,_
Talk to *Relatives* _empathetically ,_
Talk to *Friends* _jovially ,_
Talk to *Officials* _politely ,_
Talk to *Vendors* _strictly ,_
Talk to *Customers* _honestly ,_
Talk to *Workers* _courteously ,_
Talk to *Politicians* _carefully _,
Talk to *GOD* _silently,_ …

Talk to * WIFE*   ~no no~  ……
*KEEP QUIET & LISTEN ONLY…!!!*

No other OPTION !!


not empty

————————-
English Language
————————-

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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Just a few jokes 7/22/2016

Written by chuck on July 20, 2016 – 2:34 pm -

“I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.”
 

We were on a call the other day and the police were there. The police officer who was a rookie,saw my thermos and asked me what it was and why I had it. I told him it was to keep hot things hot and cold things cold. The next shift we ran into him and he excitedly showed me the one he had bought. I asked him what he had in it and he said “coffee and 2 Popsicles”………..


ran 2 miles

 
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with George, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy roomed with George and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, ‘Man, what happened to you? 
He said, ‘George snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. ‘ 
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, ‘Man, what happened to you? You look awful!’ 
He said, ‘Man, that George shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .’
 

The third night was Pete’s turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ‘ Good morning,’ he said. 
They couldn’t believe it! They said, ‘Man, what happened?’ 
He said, ‘Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked George into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. George sat up and watched me all night. I slept fine


balls and muslims hate him fb-4-18-15

****** 23 ADULT TRUTHS******
Pick you favorite now.
I like 10 and 14
1 Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet
everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.


only two people had symbols

10 reasons to vote Democrat by Leno

#10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want.. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.
  
#9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.
  
#8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
  
#7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
 
#6. I vote Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.
 
#5. I vote Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.
  
#4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.
 
#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.
 
#2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
 
And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it’s better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America.
We don’t care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.
 
“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits”. Albert Einstein
 
I know you all will appreciate this definition.
The best description of Obamacare so far:
Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:
“We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it.”
 
A physician called into a radio show and said:
That’s the definition of a stool sample.” 

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Just a few jokes 7/14/2016

Written by chuck on July 14, 2016 – 6:00 am -

We miss the good old Yiddish humour. 

Not a single swear word in their comic routines, as shown below:
 
 
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”
The man says, “I make a good living.”
————————————————————————————————————————–
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
————————————————————————————————————————————-
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
——————————————————————————————————————
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
———————————————————————————————————————————-
My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
————————————————————————————————————————————–
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
———————————————————————————————————————-
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
—————————————————————————————————————————–
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis.”
——————————————————————————————————————–
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor:
“See! What did I tell you?”
———————————————————————-
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
————————————————————————–
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
————————————————————————————————————————–
A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner – Take it or leave it.
————————————————————————————————
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
————————————————————————————————
A man called his mother in Florida . “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”

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Just a few jokes 7/9/2016

Written by chuck on July 9, 2016 – 12:13 pm -

The most common lie, which used to be “I’m fine”,
has been replaced by
“I have read and agreed with the terms and conditions”.

Friends & Family,
 
I am sorry that I have not been consistently responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF). For those of you who do not know what that is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.
 
Symptoms include, but may not be limited to: Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing the President pander to Muslim terrrorists. Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice. Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people.
If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue, please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure. It is expected, and sincerely hoped, that the cure will be available in November of 2016.
 
And I stupidly thought it was due to aging
  
No wonder I’ve been so sick lately!!! 


pigs flying before i vote for hillary

In Chaos Theory, the “butterfly effect” is the name given to the sensitive connection between initial conditions in which an insignificant event in one state in non-linear systems, can result in sometimes catastrophic events in the universal state. 
In other words, although unlikely, it is possible for a butterfly flapping its wings in Texas to cause a typhoon in the Japanese Sea. 
 
Case in point, in mid-20th Century America, a loose18-year-old hippie female in a Honolulu college had sex with an older, alcoholic Kenyan man on a student visa, who had a wife and child back in Africa. And this less than significant event started the collapse and dissolution of the United States of America.


men get great ideas in bed plugged into a genius

 Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points, or none at all.
 
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages however, he wrote:

1) It is a perfect formula for the child.2) It provides immunity against several diseases.  3) It is always the right temperature.  4) It is inexpensive.  5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.  6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang to indicate the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an ‘A’.             


when you die and your man shows up with a chick

A blonde female motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. He walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego ?”
“Sure,” she replied, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already, so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.
The two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s SUV. They were carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What are you doing here?” he demanded; “I gave you $100 to take these monkeys to the zoo!”
“Yes, I know you did,” replied the blonde; “but we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

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Just a few jokes 7/2/2016

Written by chuck on July 2, 2016 – 10:20 am -

We knew it was out there somewhere, we have all heard about it and now here it is. I am surprised there are not more who knew where is was, or cared to share the location with us. I know I never want to go there    


rock bottom

A simple way to explain total political BS.
 
 
A very simple way to explain total  political BS.
 
I told my son  “I want you to marry a girl of my choice!”
He said  “NO!”
I told him its Bill Gates  daughter!!!!
 
He said  “OKAY!”
 
Got in  contact with Bill Gates & told him “I want your daughter to marry
my son.”
He said  “NO!”
 
Told him my son was the CEO of the  World Bank!
He said  “OKAY!”
 
Went to the  President of the World Bank & told him to make my son CEO of the  Bank!
He said “NO!”
Told him my son was Bill Gates Son  in Law!
He said  “OKAY!”
 
That’s  Exactly how Politics works….


not all people are like your ex

  When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. 

        On the afternoon of their 35th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.30 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents.

        That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.  After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill for all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed.  However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.  But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?” 

        Bill thought for a while and said,”I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.  Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” 

        Hillary was shocked that he let it out so easy,  but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’ve been deeply disappointed and saddened by your past behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess just those 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

        Bill thanked her for being so understanding.  They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?” Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”


undercover boss

“4 Worms In  Church”
Four  worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

 
A minister decided that a  visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. 

Four worms were placed into four separate  jars. 

The first worm was put into a  container of alcohol. 

The  second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. 

The third worm was put into a container of  chocolate syrup.. 

The fourth worm was  put into a container of good clean soil. 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the  following results:

The first worm in  alcohol . . . . . . Dead . 

The  second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead . 

Third worm in chocolate syrup .  . . . Dead.  

Fourth worm in good clean soil  . . . Alive ? 

So the Minister asked the  congregation, 

“What did you learn from this  demonstration?” 

Maxine was sitting in the back,  quickly raised her hand and said . . . 
“As long as you  drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”


tear down this stall

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Just a few jokes 6/26/2016

Written by chuck on June 26, 2016 – 6:00 am -

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it
on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn’t washed,

the bills aren’t paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

the flowers don’t have enough water,

there is still only one check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote,

I can’t find my glasses,

and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!


gun is not the problem, obama is

bette Midler

“I haven’t left my house in days.
I watch the news channels incessantly.
All the news stories are about the election;
all the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election, erection, election, erection – –
either way it’s all about getting screwed!”

A  big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to  rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Britain is  sending troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
President Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
God Bless President Trump


gun free zone

I have often wondered why the NWS issued an Heat Advisory. It is summer in the south, it gets hot, some days hotter than others. 

I have figured it out!

It is so the minions will understand that it will be a tad hotter today.


peeked out it is hot

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Just a few jokes 6/25/16

Written by chuck on June 25, 2016 – 6:00 am -

This stuff works great: Chuck, better than expensive Windex

Window Cleaner Home Brew Glass Cleaner.

1 teaspoon liquid dishwater detergent
one half-cup of sudsy ammonia
1 pint rubbing alcohol
and the  rest of the gallon jug with tap-water.


car heat

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, “Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?”

Grandpa looks at him and says, “No Johnny, I will not.”

“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, “Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to.”


scotland

 
Why Men Wear Earrings

 
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

 
A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring.  The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

 
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

 
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

 
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

 
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

 

I always wondered how this trend got started; now I know!


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 6/12/2016

Written by chuck on June 12, 2016 – 6:00 am -

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.


home hit by  a dolphin do not check to see if he is ok

How do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close to call?
With an ice fishing contest, of course! 

After the first round of votes were counted, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were deadlocked.

Instead of going through a recount, the two agreed to a week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President.

The candidates decided a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both candidates would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5pm.

After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing.

Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing!

That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of being a “low-life, cheatin’ son-of-a-gun.”
Instead of fishing on Day 3, they were just going to follow Trump to spy on him and figure out how he was cheating.

Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total!

That night, Hillary and her democratic buddies got together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her report and said,

“You are not going to believe this, he’s cutting holes in the ice!”

And that, my friends, tells you all you need to know about the intelligence on the left side of the aisle!


breaking news trump

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. Along comes a police inspector to find out how they died.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the Coroner.

Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob, the redneck from Mississippi, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”


dash

Cruise Ship Diary

Diary Entries of a Young Woman on a cruise ship Dear Diary:

MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.

WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives — twice……

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What happens when more people are receiving government aid than are paying in?


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Chuck


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‘You’re grounded!’: Mom thinks she found drugs in teen’s room…

Written by chuck on June 10, 2016 – 6:00 am -

Fox 2 now St. Louis by Tribune Media

‘You’re grounded!’: Mom thinks she found drugs in teen’s room, girl’s explanation is hilarious

TEXAS — A Texas teenager’s Tweets have social media cracking up at what happened when her mom stumbled upon what she thought was drugs in her bedroom.

Ashley Banks posted screenshots of the text conversation with her mother on Twitter.

In the conversation, she asks her mother to put her calculator in the mailbox for a friend to pick up. She says it’s in her nightstand drawer.

Her mom responds with a photo of what appear to be pills, and demanded her daughter come home immediately.

The girl’s explanation for the ‘pills’ got her out of trouble instantly.

It’s been retweeted over 33,000 times.

Please click her for the answer


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Chuck


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