Just a few jokes 3/20/2017

Written by chuck on March 19, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


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Just A Few Jokes 3/25/2017

Written by chuck on March 18, 2017 – 7:02 pm -


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Just a few jokes 3/17/2017

Written by chuck on March 16, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A guy is watching a film with organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
“No! No! Don’t enter that church, you damn fool.”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”

Husband replies, “Our wedding video.”

————————————

The difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver.
Bad Golfer: Whack – Damn.
Bad Skydiver: Damn – Whack.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little scared.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you… here for?”

The first kid says, “A Circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year!”


Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?””Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said: “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, I voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.” She starts work in the morning.


Interesting Tidbit.

The President-elect won the election with less than 40% of the popular vote but had the majority of electoral votes.

The Republican Party had put forth a candidate to win several crucial states that could swing the Electoral College.

The election was a bitter one with the Democratic Party fractured between two candidates.

The incoming President received so many death threats that he chose to arrive in Washington in secrecy. The security for the inauguration was the tightest ever with troops stationed on buildings throughout the day. This was an unprecedented amount of protection for any President-elect.

Many members of Congress (Democrats) chose not to attend the ceremony and he was vilified in much of the press.

Despite all this……. Abraham Lincoln was sworn in as our 16th president on March 4, 1861.




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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 3/16/2017

Written by chuck on March 15, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


I am going to punch the groundhog right in the face. We were supposed to have six more weeks of winter, not six more weeks of bipolar.

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation
and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that
they “identify” with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at
the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that
owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job
description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Want to guess their motto ………..???

“If You gotta pee – We gottasee!

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.



An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
The bouncer is a blonde girl
I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
“Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”



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Serious friends, you need to see this.

Muslim Restaurant Owner Shut Down When Cops Discover What He Fed Infidels


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Just a few jokes 3/15/2017

Written by chuck on March 14, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I’m not worried about losing weight. I want to stop gaining!

Ain’t it funny as we grow older our conversations with male friends isn’t about chasing women but comparing retirement plans…

Another great thing about retirement years..you can openly tell people to go screw themselves! You have nothing to lose…


My 9yr old came home from school the other day and told us that she got into the finals for her schools talent quest with a standup comedy routine.
I asked he…r to tell me a joke. She said ok.
Whats the worst thing to take to a funeral?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The murder weapon.
I nearly wet myself (apparently so did the principal).
I’m so proud.



My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you …gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used that repairman since…

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is a government employee…..

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’
His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…….
You now have 2 options…
Delete it…..
or
Send it along to put a smile on someone’s face today!.
HAHAHAHAHAHA


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 3/14/2017

Written by chuck on March 13, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A man had an operation. When he woke up, the curtains were drawn around him, He ask the Nurse if it was dark outside, she said no, the building across the street was on fire, we didn’t want you to think you had died.

Save the Earth!…It’s the only planet with Beer!

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, “WHY?” The wife replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1.”


This is what all of you 60 + year old’s have to look forward to:
This is something that happened in an Aged Care Center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.

One morning, one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast so my friend went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door . He said that he was running late, and would be down shortly, so she went back to the Dining area.
An hour later, he still hadn’t arrived; so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain, and just wanted to have his breakfast So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.



SKILLSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.



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18 Wheeler Jackknifes in Houston Traffic


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Just a few jokes 3/13/2017

Written by chuck on March 12, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu …

After the stopover a crusty old Marine boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the minister.

After the plane was airborne, to continue on its journey, drink orders were taken.

The Flight Attendant asked the Marine if he wanted a drink? The Marine asked for Rum & Coke, which was prepared and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust….. “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The old Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

Man went to the local bar. Waitress said you look like you had a another fight with your wife.
He said (Yep).
Well how did it end.
He said she came to me on her hands and knees.
Waitress said , what did she say….
(He) she said come out from under that bed you Idiot.



George, their leader, a big burly man of 53,

gets off his Harley, walks through a group of

gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying

to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey

Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”
While he didn’t want to appear too “insensitive,”

George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend”

opportunity either so he asked …”Well, before you

jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ol’ George

here your best last kiss?”
So with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over

the railing and did just that …and it was a long,

deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another

even better one. After they breathlessly finished,

George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-

buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper,

and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have

ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting there,

Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with

me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

…It’s still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.



Teacher said to the Parent, I know you son doesn’t cheat on his grades.
With grades like he gets, there is no way.



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Just a few jokes 3/9/2017

Written by chuck on March 8, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I’ll bet when Hugh Hefner dies, no one will say ”He’s in a better place.”

You be the judge:
The police are called to a murder/suicide and the investigation reveals:

Mr. & Mrs. Smith were engaged in a very heated argument when Mr. Smith picked up a shotgun and tripped and the weapon fired. However, Mrs. Smith was not injured as the pellets went out the window.

Unfortunately, at the same time a young man had jumped off the roof to commit suicide. As he passed the window of the Smith’s Apartment, he was struck by the shotgun pellets. His autopsy later revealed the cause of death to be from gunshot and not the fall. Based on this information Mr. Smith was charged with manslaughter.

Would you agree?

Wait, There is more to the story.

The young man was the son of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. He had come to their apartment in hopes of getting money to support his drug habit, and the Smith’s turned him away.
The young man knew the Smith’s argued and knew Mr. Smith kept a shotgun in the house and had been known to point it at Mrs. Smith in the course of their squabbles and pull the trigger. But he also knew Mr. Smith never loaded the gun.

Knowing this he thought he would enter the apartment when his parents were gone, load the shotgun, and then wait. He knew an argument would happen and his father would point the gun at his mother and pull the trigger and kill her. He would then have the father in jail, he could collect his mother’s life insurance, and his problems would be over.

Days passed and nothing happened. Ever more depressed the young man went to the roof and jumped, only to be shot on the way down.
Was this a murder (manslaughter) or a suicide?

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $100 bill in it. Now there are 100 $1 bills.” The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, “SIR, WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?”

THE OLD FARMER SAID, “THAT’S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK….
WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.”
“I’M SORRY SIR,” SAID THE TICKET AGENT

“WE CAN’T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER.”

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.

THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS
NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED

AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . .
THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

“MARGE,” WHISPERED MILDRED.

“WHAT?” SAID MARGE.

“I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.”

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?” ASKED MARGE?
“HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT”, WHISPERED MILDRED.

“WELL, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT”, SAID MARGE..

“AT OUR AGE WE’VE SEEN ‘EM ALL”

“I THOUGHT SO TOO”, SAID MILDRED,

“BUT THIS ONE’S EATIN’ MY POPCORN…!”


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Just a few jokes 3/8/2017

Written by chuck on March 7, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

You will watch this more than once.

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Just a few jokes 3/7/2017

Written by chuck on March 6, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs” who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar….”
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,

“Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

“Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, ” I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”


Quotes n’ Stuff ……
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
–Ernest Hemingway

Sign spotted on a pasture today: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.”



These two old men were laying in the hospital waiting to die. One of the men ask the other if he thought they played baseball in heaven. Well Jimmy said, “if I get to heaven before you, I will text you and let you know.”
Later that night Jimmy passed away. It was later that week that Tuffy received a text from Jimmy. Jimmy was informing him that they in fact do play baseball in heaven. Well, Tuffy looked a little puzzled when he read further on down, that he was schedule to pitch on Wednesday!





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Older Ladies by Donnalou Stevens


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