Written by chuck on November 10, 2014 – 8:32 am -

Thought you’d enjoy this – though of course we’re too young to remember those “old days”.

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

The older lady said that she was right — our generation didn’t have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling’s. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every tim e we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief(remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the”green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off… especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.


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Best way to make a Hot Dog & Jokes!

Written by chuck on November 9, 2014 – 12:13 pm -

Hot dog buns are too small for all of the condiments I like. So I cut the dogs down the middle and place on toasted bread! Then add all the condiments I want!


A CEO’s lawyer says: “I have some good news and bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of $2 million.”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary.”

ha ha

    On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first-class section and requests that she move to economy since she did not have a first-class ticket.
    The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.”

    Not wanting to argue with the customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with her. He went to talk with a woman, asking her to please move out of the first-class section.

    Again the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.”

    The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what to do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde. I know how to handle this.”

    He went to the first-class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling, “Why didn’t anyone just say so?”

    Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he had said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

     He said, “I told her the first-class section wasn’t going to New York.”

ha ha

An Indian (Native American) walks into a  cafe with a
shotgunin one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.?
He says to the waiter:

“Want coffee.” ?

The waiter says, “Sure Chief. Coming right up.”?

He  gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee….. ?
The Indian drinks the  coffee down in one gulp, turns
and blasts the buffalo with the  shotgun, causing parts
of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He  has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with  the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: 

“Want coffee.” ?

The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto!
We’re still cleaning up your  mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says,
“Training for position in  United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of  day.”

ha ha

Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again and said, ‘Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?’

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn’s shoulder and said,
‘Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.’

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. ‘Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we…?’
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

‘Listen Barry, I’m not being funny…

…but I have to get up in the morning and you don’t.


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Written by chuck on November 8, 2014 – 7:59 am -

Written by Jerry Smith

The road to pain and embarrassment is often traveled by guys trying to impress a new girlfriend. It’s what young men throughout time have always done in pursuit of self-validation and the ultimate prize. There is no more common life-thread in nature; the selective weeding out of all but the strongest, the boldest.

In the early 60’s I had begun dating a really cute little redhead from the silken side of town who just happened to love horses. What an opportunity! Take her for a few rides in some secluded, idyllic wilderness, and let her find out for herself what a fine specimen she had chosen. That I’d never ridden a horse or even sat on one was not a factor; I mean, girls do it so how hard could it be? Young men full of testosterone are invincible!

Arriving early on a bright summer afternoon at Campbell’s Dude Ranch near Clay, AL, my initiation into equestry got off to a deceptively quiet start. I saw a couple of ranch hands winking at one another, but figured they must be enjoying a private joke; after all, there was nothing in my clothing or demeanor that could have possibly given them pause about my riding skills. I mean, doesn’t everybody wear an alligator shirt, skeets, penny loafers, no hat or gloves, and a stupid grin to ride horses?

When they led my rented charger out, I used all the expertise I’d gathered from countless western movies to walk up to him, pat him on the side of the snout, and say something stupid, like “Good boy..good boy..” At first contact, the animal jerked hard on his reins and snorted, then tried to go back to his stall, but the stable boy held on firmly.

I somehow managed to mount facing forward without falling off the other side or getting my foot hung in a stirrup. The horse never took his eye off me, which any sensible man would have taken as a final warning.

Meanwhile, my new lady had already mounted her horse and was out in the corral doing figure-eights while she wondered what was taking me so long. The stable boy handed me the reins, jumped quickly away, smacked that horse on the rump, and here we went! I waved to Nan in passing as my steed left the corral at full speed.

My butt was hitting his back about every third clop. One hand gripped the saddle horn like a vise while the other experimented with the controls, none of which had any effect whatsoever. Nan soon caught up to me and, between snickers, asked what was my hurry. I started to stammer out some wise-acre reply, but could not because my constant bouncing off the saddle made coherent speech impossible.

Then Nan said something like, “Okay, let’s run then…”, and gave some silent psychic command that put her horse into overdrive. As she pulled out ahead of me, I continued in vain trying to make sense of how a horse operates. But the animal had correctly sensed an idiot on its back, and assumed full control of the afternoon.

Campbell’s had a fine little lake about a half mile from the stables. As we approached its banks, I knew my horse would have to stop, or at least turn. Meanwhile, Nan had reached the top of a hill and turned to wait for me. She suddenly hollered, “Hey, we’re not supposed to take them into the water!”

My steed from Hell apparently had not heard this rule, and trotted about a hundred feet out into the lake, in spite of my every jerks on the reins along with half my extensive vocabulary of bad words. My penny loafers were soon full of water, and my skeets soaked plumb up to the knees, but I knew it could get far worse; like, what if this beast decided to lay down in that nice, cool water?

Nan watched this spectacle for a couple of minutes, then shook her head slowly as she rode off to finish her ride alone. A cold fear began to set in as I realized I was at the total mercy of a ponderous, irritated beast that weighed at least half a ton, compared to my own athletic 130#. After he’d cooled off for a few minutes and drank half the lake, the horse slowly ambled back up the lake’s steep bank, with me holding on for dear life lest I slip off his rear end and get stomped in the crotch or dragged by the stirrups.

Once on dry land, he gave a mighty shudder like a wet dog, and I came very close to hitting the ground. Then he set off at some kind of trot that had me hitting the saddle half as often and twice as hard as before. On that day, I learned why jockeys invented straps.

As we neared the stables he stepped up the pace even more. I finally just gave up, dropped the reins, and held on to the saddle with both hands. How I managed to keep my billfold & car keys in my pockets is beyond me. That self-governed animal charged into the corral, past the stable boys, and into his own stall with no regard whatsoever for ranch rules. Had I not ducked, my head would have surely been busted like a melon on an overhead beam.

As soon as he stopped, I kicked my feet from the stirrups and threw myself off his side into a non-pristine pile of hay, then scrambled to safety before he could stomp the life out of me. Everyone was laughing their tails off, except of course Nan, whose facial color now matched her beautiful titian hair.

She didn’t say much on the long ride back to her home in Mountain Brook. By the time we arrived, I was so unmentionably sore I could barely walk her to the door. We dated a few times in the weeks that followed, but neither of us mentioned horses again. Since that day, I’ve never ridden anything that didn’t have a kill-switch.

Actually, I had gotten a pretty good deal on that miserable summer afternoon at Campbell’s: Two horse rides for one–my first and my last.

Jerry Smith
Pell City, AL


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Just a few funny jokes

Written by chuck on November 6, 2014 – 8:23 am -

Unfortunately, this has to be true.
Even if it isn’t, I’m using it as my excuse.


Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was ? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what’s known as an Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

ha ha

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?” “Well, it looks like we’re about half way there” he replied.

“Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?” “No, it’s turned black.

ha ha

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

“Do you enjoy it?” The doctor asked.

“Actually, yes, I do,” she answered.

“Does it hurt you?” he asked.

“No. I rather like it,” she responded.

“Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”

The woman was mystified. “What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Of course,” the doctor replied. “Where do you think people like Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Obama come from?”

ha ha

An Irishman wanted to take his son out for his first beer.Off they went to the local pub which is only two blocks from their house.

Dad got him a draft… sonny didn’t like it, so the father drank it.

Then he got him an ale… sonny didn’t like it either, so the father drank it.

It was the same with the malt and the Scotch.

By the time dad got down to the whiskey, he could hardly push the stroller back home.

ha ha


sex slaves

click here

Three good arguments Jesus was a ***


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There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was …

Written by chuck on November 6, 2014 – 6:00 am -


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father’s business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Can I get an AMEN!!


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Just a few funny jokes

Written by chuck on November 5, 2014 – 7:24 am -

spilling chips

A man frantically calls hotel management from his room “Please come fast I’m having an argument with her and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel!” The manager replied “Sir that’s a personal matter”. He replies “Like hell it is! The window won’t open, so that’s a maintenance matter!”
ha ha

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards”. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled “Grandpa will pay the bill”.

ha ha

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said “A penny for your thoughts, Angus?” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss?” The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle?” The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg”. The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?” The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. “Well, noo” he said “my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time”. “Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. “Aye” said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

ha ha

Norman and Barry got married in California. They couldn’t afford a honeymoon so they went back to Norman’s mum and dad’s house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Little Johnny, Norman’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he’s going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Norman and Barry are up yet.

She replies, “No”. Little Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?” His mum replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think!! Just go to school.”

Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, “Are Norman and Barry up yet?” She replies, “No.” Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?” His mum replies, “Never mind what you think!! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, Little Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Norman and Barry up yet?” His mum says, “No.” He asks, “Do you know what I think?” His mum replies “Okay okay, tell me what you think!”

He says “Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline… and… I think I gave him my airplane glue”.


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Jokes & One serious item: How women can stop gaining weight!

Written by chuck on November 4, 2014 – 6:00 am -

There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad…

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors’ berth deck and announced,

“The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”

He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz.”

Someone may come along and promise “Change”, but don’t count on things smelling any better.

ha ha

free kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing “FREE KITTENS.”

more free kittens
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

“Hi there little girl, I’m President Obama. What do you have in the basket?” he asked.

“Kittens,” little Suzy said.

“How old are they?” asked Obama.

Suzy replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”

“And what kind of kittens are they?”

“Democrats,” answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of “FREE KITTENS,” when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”

“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They’re Republicans.”

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, “But . . . but . . . yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS.”


Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”

ha ha

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry,  Harry.

I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.  I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around;  in fact, more than you.  I do not get it at home, but that’s no excuse.   I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, with my promise that it won’t ever happen again.

Poor Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody autocorrect !!!  I meant “wifi”, not “wife” . . . . .

ha ha

Celebrating 50 years together.

Three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Son No. 1. ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift .”

“Not to worry,” said the father. “Important thing is we’re all together today.”

Son No. 2 arrived. “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn’t have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. “You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”

Yep, said the father, Cheap ones too…

ha ha

This is excellent information. It couldn’t have come at a better time.


It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!


Shampoo Warning! I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body,
and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap.

Problem solved! If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!


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Famous Folks as a Child and Adult

Written by chuck on November 3, 2014 – 9:05 am -

We have all seen old photographs of famous people but the text with these make them most interesting.



























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Special Ring for his Young Lady

Written by chuck on November 2, 2014 – 6:00 am -

A very tall balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There was only $25 in your account.’

‘I know’, said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

very sexy gal


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Difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

Written by chuck on November 1, 2014 – 9:13 am -

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy– just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.

Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse’s ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel-humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!”

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.

obama needs help what would you toss him

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