Just Jokes

Written by chuck on January 7, 2015 – 7:31 am -

Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!

Father is shocked!

Why beer?

Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

baby
Read more »


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More funny jokes

Written by chuck on January 5, 2015 – 7:47 am -


Four Jokes, one quote and Meal on Wheels :D

Quote: People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.

h-Kidding ... right

This is so disappointing.  CNN reported today that Walt Disney’s new film called “Jet Black,” the African-American version of “Snow White” has been cancelled.

All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing “Hi Ho, Hi Ho” because they say it offends black prostitutes. They also say they have no intention of singing, “It’s off to work we go.

h-Kidding ... right

I am not a great cook.

But I can follow directions.

These said  to “let the bird chill in the sink for a few hours.”

I think I got it right…

turkey

h-Kidding ... right

Why wives make bad hunters…

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season.

He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Erin, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, “What are you up to?”

Erin smiles, “I’m going hunting with you! The kids are with their granddad.”

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of Malta, Montana.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.

He walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Erin couldn’t bag an elephant – much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Erin screaming, “Get the hell away from my deer!”

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife,and again he hears her yell, “Get the hell away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Montana game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, “Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

h-Kidding ... right

“THE ALABAMA VASECTOMY ”
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

“A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS, of course), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

The Alabaman said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the guy went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can (COORS, of course) and he held the can up to his ear and began to count!

‘1’ …

‘2’ …

‘3’ …

‘4’ …

‘5’ …

… At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Georgia, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, West  Virginia, and parts of the Carolinas, Kansas, and Missouri.


Meals on Wheels!

meals on wheels

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


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More Funny Jokes

Written by chuck on January 1, 2015 – 7:40 am -

pepsi can hammer ols1-1-2015

I was just looking thru Craigslist trying to find a child size saddle for my daughter’s new pony, and I found this ad!!! Too funny!!!

Free or possible trade

I have this old dog, he’s lazy, he smells, he’s on the couch most of the day snoring.. His farts smell really bad, he really doesn’t know any tricks other then licking himself, and how to slobber, he slept through my car being vandalized one night,, he has been a very faithful companion for the last six years,, however my new girlfriend has had enough of his snoring, farting, drooling,. I guess the straw that broke the camels back happened the other night when he jumped on the bed in the middle of the night and pushed her off the bed, then he promptly laid down and started snoring.

So as hard for me it is to do this, and it brings tears to my eyes, I must make this offer for free to good home or possible trade, now along with this deal come some accessories, that I will include:

The accessories, (baggage) Will include, but are not limited to, three closets full of purses and matching shoes, 3 1/2 bathrooms full of “make-me-pretty” and “do-I-smell pretty now”? A monthly game of “guess my mood” every morning for about a week, enough fingernail polish to repaint the USS Missouri four times.

So please call me, text me, stop on by, with a couple Of U-Hauls for the accessories (Baggage) and if you act fast enough I will even throw in the 1967 Chevy Camaro, that was recently totaled by the insurance company. It still has the original lipstick on the steering wheel from when she glanced in the mirror when she was redoing her lipstick as she rear ended the cop car.

funny ha ha ha

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was certain the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver’s window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, frightened nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran through the storm to the nearby town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a lighted tavern and with voice quavering, ordered two shots of whisky, and then, shaken, he told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence came over those listening and everybody got goose bumps.

They realized the guy was sober and was telling the truth. And the sounds of the storm continued outside.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, ‘Look Billy Bob, there’s that idiot that rode in our car while we was pushin’ it in the rain.’

funny ha ha ha

The Bronze Rat

A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.

While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”, he said.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You have come back for story, yes?

“Are you kidding?,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat!”

funny ha ha ha

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a Flight Attendant to take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up…..so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
 1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
 2. Blonde Flight Attendants aren’t as dumb as some folks think they are.

funny ha ha ha

The picture best describes:

A) Poor supervision

B) A decision by the Supreme Court

C) “Close enough for government work”

D) “My son/daughter was student of the month” bumper stickers

E) A problem that is strictly hereditary

midfield logo


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Dog Receives 210 Bottles for Christmas

Written by chuck on December 31, 2014 – 8:06 pm -

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


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Some revealing messages & Will Rogers Quotes

Written by chuck on December 30, 2014 – 7:50 am -

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER,IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor’s office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES …

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR, WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany ‘s Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE..

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window :
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

motivation posters-6

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in

Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the
great political country/cowboy sages of USA.

Some of his sayings

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

#The ones that learn by reading.
#The few who learn by observation.
#The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


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86 year old letter to the bank.

Written by chuck on December 28, 2014 – 11:46 am -

I bet we all would agree with the ladies letter! I have been told it is a legend, but I could see it being real.

Don’t make old people mad.

If you’ve ever tried making a phone call to an institution, or had anything to do with a bank or cable company, for that matter, you’ll love the response of this 86-year-old woman after her experience. The bank manager evidently thought it good enough that he had it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer (A password to access my computer is required. It will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.)

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through #9 or to make a general complaint or inquiry. (The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.)

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous coming year?

Your Humble Client

PS. It would be a good practice of your institution to avoid making old people like me mad. We don’t like being old in the first place. So it doesn’t take much to piss us off.

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Just a few more jokes

Written by chuck on December 27, 2014 – 5:59 pm -

cat playing ols 12-27-14

Store that sells new husbands!

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

Hiring older guys

THE FERGUSON POLICE CHIEF:

It works with cars

A Turkey Cooking Tip:

funny ha ha ha

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband.  Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These Men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third-floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
till, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

funny ha ha ha

hiring older guys

funny ha ha ha

THE FERGUSON POLICE CHIEF:

THE FERGUSON POLICE DEPARTMENT ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING THAT ALL GERMAN SHEPHERD POLICE DOGS WILL BE REPLACED BY COON HOUNDS, DUE TO THE FACT THAT THE CITY IS NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS WITH GERMANS.

* WARNING: If you laughed at this e-mail, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Barack Obama and Jeremiah Wright will be comin’ over to deal with your racist, cracker ass…

coon hounds

funny ha ha ha

it works with cars

funny ha ha ha

A Turkey Cooking Tip:

Cut a lemon in half and place under the skin of the turkey before roasting for a Christmas meal the family will still be talking about next year!

turkey tip

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Funny Stuff

Written by chuck on December 25, 2014 – 11:03 am -

white christmas

Did you know it’s a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it’s in the Bible. It says:  ‘He-brews’

t-Ouch!... poor Santa!

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, “What’s wrong pal?”

“I’ll never understand women.” Max said. “The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted.”

“Wow!” said the bartender. “But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me.”

“Well, ” Max went on, “I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won’t even speak to me.”

t-Ouch!... poor Santa!

A 911 Call

             An Emergency Call Center worker in London, England has been
fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy
with her dismissal.

        It seems a male caller dialed 911 from a mobile phone stating “I
am depressed and lying here on the railway track.   I am waiting for
the train to come so I can finally meet Allah.”    

       Apparently the worker’s reply of  “Remain calm and stay on the
line was,” was not  considered to be an  appropriate response…….?

t-Ouch!... poor Santa!

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury of which to be proud.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly

A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with eager anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer.  “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Yes, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

t-Ouch!... poor Santa!

riot

t-Ouch!... poor Santa!

This was in the newspaper yesterday and we got a kick out of it
Evidently this Santa drinks a very cheap brand, and the kid is very discriminating. ?

cheap_santa

t-Ouch!... poor Santa!

Ron Chestna, 89 years of age, was stopped by police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

old man

Ron replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”

Ron replied, “That would be my wife.”

t-Ouch!... poor Santa!

A Christmas Tradition

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not very many people know this

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

My Christmas Decorations next year

Written by chuck on December 24, 2014 – 9:35 am -

I would like to wish all of my readers a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

santa peeing

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

How to make Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies plus other stuff

Written by chuck on December 23, 2014 – 8:20 am -

gransma is not getting run over

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.  Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the friggin bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

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Christmas Discount Coupon
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WARNING! SCAM ALERT!

two hot guys

Be on the lookout for these two guys! They are hanging out around the Wal-Mart parking lots. When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald’s.

They are very convincing and very hot! Once in your car one takes his clothes off and starts climbing all over you. While he keeps you busy, the other one takes your purse. I’ve had mine taken on the 7th, 8th, 10th, 11th, 14th and twice yesterday.

Probably will happen again two more times tomorrow.

Wal-Mart has purses for $9.99, but I found some at the dollar store for .99¢ so I bought all they had. These two guys not only take your purse, but you never even make it to McDonald’s so I’ve already lost 11lbs.

Keep a lookout for them (I find lunch time and around 5:30 the best times.)

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christmas time of year eat candy out of socks

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Christmas Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Run.  Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. if something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip:   If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.  Re-read these tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

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