Just a few jokes 10/28/2016

Written by chuck on October 27, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

Remember, I ordered another CPU and it was defective when I got it. So a lot of my “R” rated photos are on the “D” and I can’t hook it too my laptop.

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later

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demons

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Why they don’t make jokes about Hillary


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Chuck


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Just for Fun 10/25/2016

Written by chuck on October 25, 2016 – 6:00 am -

Limited stuff due to CPU problems.

selfie

so-very-true

cotton

cell-phones

fly

great-idea

exercise

knives

silence

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Just a few jokes 10/24/2016

Written by chuck on October 23, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

How I learned to mind my own business. I was walking past a mental hospital the other day, And all the patients were shouting, ’13….13….13.’ The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on….. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting ’14….14….14’…

mattres

Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy. He invited Pope
Francis and the press corps on board for Saturday afternoon cruise.

It was a rather windy day. The Pope’s little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water.

A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto. Trump told the crewman not to bother. Trump climbed down the yacht’s ladder;
walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope. The Pope and the press corps were
amazed!

Donald Trump could actually walk on water!

Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world.

The next morning the New York Times headline read . . . .

DONALD TRUMP CAN’T SWIM.


stopping-hillary-voters

Great explanation.

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you’ll get a kick out of this.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”


not-armed

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales! Wales, you bloody idiot!”

So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?”

And that’s the last thing I remember.

fat-women

click here

The media is really tearing you apart for That Scandal


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 10/21/2016

Written by chuck on October 20, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ 
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’ 
Now, before you ‘forget’, send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.

hillary-diagnosis

A dog lover, whose female dog came “in heat,” was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling  and moaning sounds.
 
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what t o do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked for me,” he replied.


park

Friendship among women:
A woman doesn’t come home at night. The next day she tells her husband
She slept over at a friend’s house.
The man calls his wife’s 10 best friends…
None of them know about it.
Friendship among men:
A man doesn’t come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he
Slept over at a friend’s house.
The woman calls her husband’s 10 best friends…
Eight of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he’s still there.


weed eater.jpg

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, “and
I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was very concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your fricking cat.”

click here

How many fireman does it take to cut off a fire hydrant?


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 10/20/2016

Written by chuck on October 19, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’ 
‘Yep!’ 
‘Do I know her?’ 
‘Nope!’ 
‘This woman, is she good looking?’ 
‘Not really.’ 
‘Is she a good cook?’ 
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’ 
‘Does she have lots of money?’ 
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’ 
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’ 
‘I don’t know.’ 
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’ 
‘Because she can still drive!’ 

at-least-we-do-not-talk-dirty

Three old guys are out walking. 
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ 
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’ 
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’

edit

A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’ 
‘Really,’ answered the neighbour . ‘What kind is it?’ 
‘ Twelve thirty.’ 


new-law

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’ 

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” 

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’


things-that-tell-the-truth

click here

Young Hillary Voters Can’t Name An Accomplishment Of Hers


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 10/18/2016

Written by chuck on October 17, 2016 – 10:30 pm -


A German woman married an
 
American gentleman born in

Virginia and they lived happily
 
ever after in his home town.

sexy-ladie

The poor lady was not very proficient 
in English, but did manage
To communicate with her husband.
 
The real problem arose
whenever she had to shop for groceries.
 
One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to 
buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her
request so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted
up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave
her the chicken legs.
 
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she 
didn’t know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and 
unbuttoned Her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.
The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
 

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her
husband to the store…

(Please scroll down.)

What were you Thinking? 

Her husband speaks English….hellooo!

 
I worry about you Sometimes!


only-you-can-prevent-hillary

The Religious Blonde

A blonde hadn’t been to church for many many months. She always promised to go, but never did.

One day, the pastor was astounded when she suddenly showed up for Sunday service. Thereafter, she was at every Sunday service, every prayer meeting, every home group meeting, etc.

Three months later, one Sunday after the service, the pastor asks her, “What happened to you? You always dodged church and now it looks like you can’t get enough of it?”

She replied, 
 
“It’s this new car of mine, pastor; they told me the warranty will lapse if I miss even one service!”


blonde


park

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the 
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!


baby not a mistake

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’ 

Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’ 

‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’ 

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’


cow

Garage Door.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.  His assistant walked up to him and said,

This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told
her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled  by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.. 

click here
Jane Fonda Memorial *****


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Chuck


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Just a few cool photos 10/17/2016

Written by chuck on October 17, 2016 – 6:00 am -

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cool-photos015

cool-photos014

cool-photos013

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Just a few jokes 10/17/2016

Written by chuck on October 16, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

As I was driving home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family’s lives, my friends’ lives, and what’s happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary, Jeb, Trump, Fox News, and how America is so troubled, I saw a yard sign that said:
NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-555-3787
Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

owl

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number
of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.


kittens

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her.  Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
“Hi there, little girl. I’m Donald Trump. What do you have in the basket?” he asked.

“Kittens,” little Suzy said.

“How old are they?” asked Trump.

Suzy replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”

“And what kind of kittens are they?”

“Republicans,” answered Suzy with a smile.
 
Trump was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that Trump should return the next day; and in front of the assembled
media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So, the next day Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of “FREE KITTENS,” when another motorcade pulled
up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and CNN. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then
Trump got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”

“Yes, sir,” Suzy said. “They’re Democrats.”

Taken by surprise, Trump stammered, “But…but…yesterday, you told me they were REPUBLICANS.”

Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know.  But today, they have their eyes open.”


women-like-that-are-hard-to-find

World’s Shortest Books

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan
& Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
______________________________ __________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

By “The Rev Jesse Jackson” & “The Rev Al Sharpton”
______________________________ _______

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
______________________________ _______

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
______________________________ ______

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
______________________________ ______

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
______________________________ _______
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
______________________________ _______
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
______________________________ ____

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell
______________________________ ________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
______________________________ ____

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_____________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony
______________________________ ___________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
______________________________ _______________

MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And foreword by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards
______________________________ ______________

HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
______________________________ _____________________

AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
______________________________ ____________

And the shortest book of them all………………

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama


take-this-to-the-bedroom

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 

3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

8. Two silk worms had a race, they ended up in a tie. 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it. 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’ 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger, then it hit me. 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’ 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

17. A backward poet writes inverse. 

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine. 

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’ 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’ 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’ 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
 
26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.
 
27. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

click here

Photo of Trump grabbing a pussy, but I will still vote for him.


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Chuck


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HOW THE INTERNET STARTED , ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE.

Written by chuck on October 15, 2016 – 6:00 am -

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. “And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators. ”

“YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that’s the truth. I would not make this stuff up.

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Just a few jokes 10/14/2016

Written by chuck on October 13, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

Serious crap here!I bet this would work.
weed

Nursing Home

With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very
expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out. The next morning, the nurses bathed her,
fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She
seemed okay but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her out. Again, she seemed
okay but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more
brought her back upright.

This went on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman didn’t fall.
Later, the family arrived to see how she was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they asked.
“It’s very nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

halloween-is-coming

REDNECK FAMILY TREE

Many many years ago When I was twenty three, I got married to a widow Who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother To the widow’s grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother,
then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.


twins

An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

“Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your troubles will be over.”

“Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be,” said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”


monica

The Power of Prayer

I starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, “Lord, it’s up to you…. if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery.”

And sure enough, He answered my prayer … on the eighth time around the block there it was!


toilet-paper-says-about-you

Confessin’ Nothin’

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that
she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in
the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.”

The priest chuckles and says, “That’s not so serious. Say five Hail
Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the
altar.”


ashes

click here

Click here for looting


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Chuck


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