Steven Wright, he’s the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:

Written by chuck on October 12, 2014 – 9:39 am -


mew ols 8-20-14

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:

“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

3 – Half the people you know are below average.

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 – If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend… But she left me before we met.

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever… So far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite:

35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


.
.




Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Shabby-looking homeless man

Written by chuck on October 12, 2014 – 8:03 am -

hoemless man

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,”If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said..”I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”


.
.




Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Funny Stuff

Written by chuck on October 11, 2014 – 9:24 am -


old lady ols-10-11-14

Six undeniable facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes, but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks — PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

5. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing among Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg and Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

6. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

*****
RANDOM TIDBITS

Honeybees are not native to North America. They were introduced from Europe in the 1600’s by the Puritans.

Honey never spoils. In fact, honey placed in tombs in Southampton, England, over 400 years ago, was still good when the tombs were opened.

Bees use ultraviolet vision to see which flowers have the largest amounts of nectar.

A typical worker bee lives for one month and in that time collects enough nectar to make about 1/12 teaspoon of honey.

Honey is made from diverse flower sources – clover, eucalyptus, or orange blossom, for example – and soil chemistry and honeycomb quality also influence how it tastes and looks.

Bees have different dialects. A German bee cannot understand an Italian bee.
WHO SAID IT?QUOTE: “When you go in search of honey you must expect to be stung by bees.”
ANSWER: Joseph Joubert.

*****

Ammo

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered “mentally unstable.”

In Michigan, he’d be called “The last white guy still living in Detroit.”

In Arizona, he’d be called “an avid gun collector.”

In Arkansas, he’d be called “a novice gun collector.”

In Utah, he’d be called “moderately well prepared,” but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.”

In Kansas, he’d be “A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.”

In Montana, he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘Go-To’ guy.”

In Idaho, he’d be called “a likely gubernatorial candidate.”

In Georgia, he’d be called “an eligible bachelor.”

In North Carolina, Virginia, W.Va., Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called “a deer hunting buddy.”

And in Texas: he’d just be “Bubba, who’s a little short on ammo.”

*****

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,

‘Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,

‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into!!!

click here

Click here for serious stuff – venomous spiders that fell from the ceiling and oozed from the walls


.
.




Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Short Jokes

Written by chuck on October 10, 2014 – 9:05 am -

slinkey

Liberals are like Slinkeys. They are totally useless but I always get a smile when I push one down a flight of stairs.

**********

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?’

He replies, ‘I’m going to the doctor.’

She says, ‘Why, are you sick?’

He says, ‘Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.’

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, ‘Where the heck are you going’?

She answers, ‘I’m going to the doctor, too.’

He says, ‘Why, what do you need?’

She says, ‘If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a Tetanus

**********

AT THE WELFARE OFFICE

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”

“Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well… You started it.”

**********

click here

Good Medical Advice

priorities


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Good Medical Advice

Written by chuck on October 10, 2014 – 6:00 am -

Good medical advice from the sages of old…

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it’s harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed ’cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.

SO, REMEMBER ..
Fasting is good for your health
and may God cleanse your dirty mind…

.
.




Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

More Funny Stuff

Written by chuck on October 9, 2014 – 6:03 pm -

wins the money

wanted to grow up

texting

seems legit

bacon sandwich

legs!

does--nothing!

California Red Sided Garter Snake

do it moms way

best man

your comment stinks

bush looks better

kids

obama

needed a sign

lmao

redneck muders


.
.




Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

My dog is NOT for sale.

Written by chuck on October 9, 2014 – 6:00 am -


OURDOG

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR DOG!

YES, HE MAULED SIX PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS,

FOUR PEOPLE WEARING PELOSI T-SHIRTS,

TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES,

NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR CRACK,

THREE FLAG BURNERS, AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.

FOR THE LAST TIME. . . OUR DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!

NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE “BAD TASTE” OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

click here

You may also like: Women shot in her driveway.


.
.




Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Woman Shot in her own Driveway

Written by chuck on October 9, 2014 – 6:00 am -

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush’s fault.

Come on November …


.
.




Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Just more funny stuff!

Written by chuck on October 8, 2014 – 6:03 pm -


!CDI-1~112

When we decided to sell our house, we nailed “FOR SALE BY OWNER” signs on two trees in our front yard. Before long, the doorbell rang. “How much do you want for the trees?” a young man asked.
***

The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship’s narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank.
There wasn’t room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone’s relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back to the top of the gangplank and shouted, “It’s okay, Mother, you can come down now.”
***

A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse beckoned to one of them and said, “Congratulations, you have a son!”
Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and cried, “Hey, what’s the idea? I got here two hours before he did!”

***

When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.

***

A teenage boy to his father… “Here’s my report card and a list I’ve compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished high school.” –Charles Almon in The Wall Street Journal.
***
“Your high school reunion. You get that letter in the mail and you feel like you only have six months to make something of yourself.” –Drew Carey

***
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
That night, Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. “Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”
“That’s fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”
***

The newspaper where I worked had just announced that when its new building was completed, the old one would be donated to the United Way. A few days later, someone came into our office soliciting contributions to that same organization.
“I’m sorry,” one reporter quipped. “We gave the office.”

click here

Why are fire trucks red?


.
.




Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Why There are Very Few White Guys in the NBA

Written by chuck on October 8, 2014 – 9:21 am -

8oewHKo


.
.




Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »