Just a more clean jokes

Written by chuck on April 26, 2015 – 6:35 pm -


Crippled Mexican at the Welfare Office

crippled mexican welfare office

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2015:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally….

9. Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang


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A little humor from a Dad.

A new generation? Sheeeeeesh!
Daughter to Dad TEXTING Communication in Today’s Generation

Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check book. LOL

I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in  Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, “I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really  big wedding.”

Lots of love and thanks,

Your favorite daughter,

Lilly

Dads reply ….also by texting

My Dear Lilly:
Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever….., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all  through Paypal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
L.O.L.  (lots of love),
Daddy


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A  Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.

He  tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.  Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter.”

The  priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”


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A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”


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click here

Wing Suiter Meets His Maker


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It’s tough to admit, but there are a couple of these that I just ​can’t do any more

Written by chuck on April 26, 2015 – 11:20 am -


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Just a few more jokes

Written by chuck on April 23, 2015 – 9:23 am -

Deathbed
Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband David. “David, you’ve been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman.

But now that I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible, and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes.”

“I can’t do that, darling” David said. “You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10.”


TEETH LAUGHING

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old Son, Adam, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed before, he was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, he remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.”


TEETH LAUGHING

I was in the “Texas Rose” tavern last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

She said, “Hey sexy, I dig old guys — how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.”

She said, “ I sure do.”

I said, “ Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday


TEETH LAUGHING

No sex after surgery . . .
A recent article in a West Australia newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs.Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: “Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.  All we did was correct his eyesight.”

no sex after surgery


TEETH LAUGHING

A Husband and his Wife went to the Doctor.

The Doctor took the Husband in first.
The Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
He checked his Blood Pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his Wife now.
He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.

He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said – Ok you can get dressed now, I will talk to your Husband.
Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the Husband – You can relax . There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn’t get an erection either!!


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Jokes for today

Written by chuck on April 20, 2015 – 10:24 am -

the flasher

Child’s voice

Quotes

Chinese Wedding Night

Shirt coming off

Read more »


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Lady using a Vacuum Cleaner, and she is NOT blonde!

Written by chuck on April 20, 2015 – 9:59 am -


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Just a few more jokes 4/18/2015

Written by chuck on April 19, 2015 – 6:00 am -


six pack

SELF EXAMINATION

Duck Sex!

SELF EXAMINATION

FIVE UNDENIABLE FACTS

SELF EXAMINATION
FOR ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE….It takes less than 15 seconds..
If you are a senior, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
| | | | | | | | | |

Answers

1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer’s.
You are a Pervert.


see you

donald duck and daisy duck

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a condom?”

Donald frowned and said, “No..”

Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex.

“Maybe they sell them at the front desk,” she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

“Yes, we do,” the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, “Would you like me to put them on your bill?”

“Thit No!”  Donald quacked, “I’ll thuffocate!”


see you

FIVE UNDENIABLE FACTS

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS!

3. Breaking News: Condoms don’t  guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

4. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser.  Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


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More fun stuff to read!

Written by chuck on April 14, 2015 – 1:40 pm -

clinton_sleeping_together

How the Olympics got the name

The Church Lady

Upper Body Strength Program for Seniors

Goat’s Head

Read more »


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A poem, then two facts and then a joke

Written by chuck on April 13, 2015 – 8:40 am -

redneck love poem

‘A SHOT OF WHISKEY’ – THE WHOLE NINE YARDS –
BUYING THE FARM…

It really does depend on where you live …………

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time

‘A SHOT OF WHISKEY’

In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a

glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the

bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a

“shot” of whiskey.

THE WHOLE NINE YARDS

American fighter planes in WW2 had machine guns that were fed by a

belt of cartridges. The average plane held belts that were 27 feet (9 yards) long.

If the pilot used up all his ammo he was said to have given it the

whole nine yards.

BUYING THE FARM

This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life

insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an

average farm so if you died you “bought the farm” for your survivors.

IRON CLAD CONTRACT

This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant

something so strong it could not be broken.

PASSING THE BUCK / THE BUCK STOPS HERE Most men in the early west

carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife company. When playing

poker it as common to place one of these Buck knives in front of the

dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When it was time for a new

dealer the deck of cards and the knife were given to the new dealer.

If this person didn’t want to deal he would “pass the buck” to the

next player. If that player accepted then “the buck stopped there”.

RIFF RAFF

The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south.

Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so

most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts

which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called

a “riff” and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.

COBWEB

The Old English word for “spider” was “cob”.

SHIP STATE ROOMS

Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger

cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after

states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.

SLEEP TIGHT

Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the

frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top

of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag.

The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep.

OVER A BARREL

In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down

over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in a

effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you

are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

BARGE IN

Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed

by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing

into piers or other boats. People would say they “barged in”.

HOGWASH

Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad

they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other

filth that was washed off was considered useless “hog wash”.

CURFEW

The word “curfew” comes from the French phrase “couvre-feu”, which

means “cover the fire”. It was used to describe the time of blowing

out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as

“curfeu”, which later became the modern “curfew”. In the early

American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in

the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out

of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon

time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a “curfew”.

BARRELS OF OIL

When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for

storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this

day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.

HOT OFF THE PRESS

As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it

to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it’s

hot. The expression means to get immediate information.

There, don’t you feel smarter now?


the_focused_reader_02

It really does depend on where you live …………

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100 guns and 100,000 rounds is considered “mentally unstable.”

However ………………….

In Michigan, he’d be called “The last white guy still living in Detroit”.

In Arizona, he’d be called “an avid gun collector.”

In Arkansas, he’d be called “a novice gun collector.”

In Utah, he’d be called “moderately well prepared,” but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Kansas, he’d be “A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.”

In Montana, he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘Go-To’ guy.”

In Idaho, he’d be called “a likely gubernatorial candidate.”

In Georgia, he’d be called “an eligible bachelor.”

In North Carolina, Virginia, W.Va., Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called “a deer hunting buddy.”

And in Texas: he’d just be Bubba “who’s a little short on ammo.”


the_focused_reader_02

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”

Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: — “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer:  —  “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor Young:  “Oh no you don’t,  —  that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak  —  I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so —  ” Here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story  —  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ” !!!!




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How smart are you?

Written by chuck on April 10, 2015 – 10:58 am -

how smart are you004

how smart are you003

how smart are you002

how smart are you001

how smart are you008

how smart are you007

how smart are you006

how smart are you005

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Just a few more jokes

Written by chuck on April 7, 2015 – 1:59 pm -

getting old 4 wheeler

the_aeronautical_quiz_01

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. ‘So, how is everything going ?’ inquired God.

‘It is all so beautiful, God,’ she replied. ‘The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..

It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.’

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ‘symmetrically balanced’.

‘That’s a fair point,’ replied God, ‘But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.’

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

‘ Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?’

‘Just fantastic,’ she replied, ‘But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.’

God thought for a moment and said, ‘You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see….where did I put that useless boob?’

Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than the rib story.

the_aeronautical_quiz_01

old man old woman

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta, Canada.
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.

Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, “Nah, just put it on our tab.

Old man Stacey won’t mind.”

So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, “Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey’s store.? Why didn’t you just give me some money?”

Alan replied, “Well, Sandra, I didn’t want to send you out there with cash when I wasn’t sure how thick the ice was!”
 
A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes……..

the_aeronautical_quiz_01

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting. ” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”


TEETH LAUGHING

the_aeronautical_quiz_01

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

selita_ebanks


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