Just a few jokes 2/1/2017

Written by chuck on January 31, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I have always wanted to drive a train. I signed up for engineering classes. what a misleading class had nothing to do with trains.



She’s single… She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my Dog?”

Being a senior citizen, really SUCKS!!!



This has been around, but it is still very funny.

Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen,…the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone
in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire plug and a car hit me.

Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.



When asked what he thought about General Mattis being named Secretary of Defense, Rob O’Neill
(the man who killed Osama Bin Laden) said, “General Mattis has a bear rug in his home but it
is not dead – it is just afraid to move”.


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Fla. pastor flees naked and afraid, begs forgiveness for tryst


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Just a few jokes 1/31/2017

Written by chuck on January 30, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

If brain sucking zombies invaded Hollywood…they’d starve.

The Irish guy said…………..

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best
toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside Me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he
fell asleep”.


Lies parents tell their kids.


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bat…h.
“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only
here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”


The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.
Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $100 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser’s every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.
Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?



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No one can drive on ice


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No one can drive on ice


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Just a few jokes 1/30/2017

Written by chuck on January 29, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I don’t think you can claim it as a wet dream when you wake up drooling.



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Great way to get folks off of your land


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Just a few jokes 1/27/2017

Written by chuck on January 26, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart.

It’s Sue. I’m on the train.” “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.”

“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.”

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.

This printed in a Texas newspaper : The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106. On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning. He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, “father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven’t been drinking have you?”
“No my son. Why would you ask that?”
“Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you.”
“Oh my son, that’s just holy water.”
“OK father. So why is it in a bag?”…
“Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays.”
“Mind if I take a sip?”
“Not at all my son.”
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out…
“Father, this is wine.”
The preacher, “PRAISE THE LORD. HE’S DONE IT AGAIN!!..



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Colonoscopy Journal:


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Colonoscopy Journal:

Written by chuck on January 26, 2017 – 6:00 am -

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

For anyone who has ever had the experience!

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’
I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..

At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.
‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me..
‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies…

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc.. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’
6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’
10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

And the best one of all:
13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’


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Just a few jokes 1/25/2017

Written by chuck on January 24, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses?
I understand they will be called Love Meat Tender.

A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week.”

Joe gives it a moment’s thought and says: “Sure! Why not? Where’s the vacuum?”

Half an hour later, Joe comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says, “I didn’t hear the vacuum running; I thought you were going to do the vacuuming?”

Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken; it won’t start. We need to buy a new one.”

Really?” she says, “Show me — it worked fine the last time.”
So he shows her.



THE ORIGIN OF PROFILING
The day profiling started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo, and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.
William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo .

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said,
“Jim, are we, by any chance, having any yard work done today?”



A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense.
Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for ?”

Irish cop says, “Ye dinae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.”
Irish cop says, “Ye still dinae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says,“What’s the difference ?”

Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please !”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living poop out of the lawyer and says,
“Daeye want me to stop or just slow down ?”



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This awesome periodic table tells you how to actually use all those elements


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Just a few jokes 1/23/2017

Written by chuck on January 22, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Kids really do say the weirdest things!!!!
Read on and you’ll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more.. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’
Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles….

A large earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and the governments asked for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world was in shock.

Great Britain sent troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia sent oil and monetary assistance.

Latin American countries sent clothing.

New Zealand and Australia sent sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries sent labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada sent medical teams and supplies.

The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, sent two million replacement Muslims.


OMG!!! YOU WILL NOT believe what just happened!! I’m at the Flying J getting my coffee just now when I walked up and notice two police officers looking at this young lady who was smoking while pumping her gas. I was like, This chick is TRIPPIN! I went in, got my coffee and as I was checking out I hear somebody screaming.

I look outside and the girls arm was on fire!! She was waving her arm around and just going crazy. The police threw her to the ground and were putting the fi…re out with an extinguisher. When I walked out, the officers had handcuffs on her and were about to put her in the back of the car and I was like, “What the?!” So being the concerned one , I asked the officers what they were arresting her for, figuring that her arm on fire was enough punishment. He looked me dead in the eye and said, …….
“For waving a Firearm.”



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Condoms gone wrong


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Just a few jokes 1/20/2017

Written by chuck on January 19, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A MAN WHO JUST DIED IS DELIVERED TO A LOCAL MORTUARY WEARING AN EXPENSIVE, EXPERTLY TAILORED BLACK SUIT.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out
that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants
him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what… it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous
blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very
grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with her blank check back.

How much did you spend?’
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked
his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

***************************************
Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.
So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence …

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in …

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

‘Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.’

***************************************

THE TOILET SEAT
If this doesn’t get a laugh out of you, nothing will !

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)

Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”

The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed.”

***************************************

OMG!!! YOU WILL NOT believe what just happened!! I’m at the Flying J getting my coffee just now when I walked up and notice two police officers looking at this young lady who was smoking while pumping her gas. I was like, This chick is TRIPPIN! I went in, got my coffee and as I was checking out I hear somebody screaming. I look outside and the girls arm was on fire!!

She was waving her arm around and just going crazy. The police threw her to the ground and were putting th…e fire out with an extinguisher. When I walked out, the officers had handcuffs on her and were about to put her in the back of the car and I was like, “What the?!” So being the concerned one , I asked the officers what they were arresting her for, figuring that her arm on fire was enough punishment. He looked me dead in the eye and said, …….

“For waving a Firearm.”

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Welcome Aboard Trump Flight 1600


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Just a few jokes 1/18/2017

Written by chuck on January 17, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

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Genital implant coming for males and females.


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Just a few jokes 1/17/2017

Written by chuck on January 16, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top….

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,” said the older man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there.”

“And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man…

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price….”

“See you later, Dad, Happy Father’s day.”



Heart Warming Lawyer Story

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the
roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass ?”…
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

They are over there eating grass under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
“But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

“Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied,

“Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

Come on did you really think there was such

a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?


Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?”
She replied… “I’d give food and houses …to all the homeless people.” Her parents beamed with pride!
“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I said…”But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that!”
“What do you mean?” she replied.
So I told her, “You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I’ll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out,
and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
Her parents aren’t speaking to me anymore.


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Upset Elephant


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