Just a few jokes 9/13/2016

Written by chuck on September 12, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.  I
started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all.  I had plenty to
eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I
had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line.  I had no bills and no debt.  I even
had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened?  Drugs?  Alcohol?  Divorce?”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said.  “No, no.  I got out of prison.”


spaghetti on the stove


over-your-head

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’
His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’

The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides


wrong


have a nice day

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Walking Dead the Puppy Edition


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Just a few jokes 9/9/2016

Written by chuck on September 8, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

A Story of Forgiveness
A little boy visiting his grandparents was given his first slingshot. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit his target.

As he came back to Grandma’s back yard, he spied her pet duck. On an impulse he took aim and let fly. The stone hit, and the duck fell dead.

The boy panicked. Desperately he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to look up and see his sister watching. Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch that day, Grandma said, “Sally, let’s wash the dishes.” But Sally said, “Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen today. Didn’t you Johnny?” And she whispered to him, “Remember the duck!”

So Johnny did the dishes.

Later, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing. Grandma said, “I’m sorry, but I need Sally to help me make supper.” Sally smiled and said, “That’s all taken care of. Johnny wants to do it.” Again she whispered, “Remember the duck.” Johnny stayed while Sally went fishing.

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally’s, finally he couldn’t stand it. He confessed to Grandma that he’d killed the duck.

“I know, Johnny,” she said, giving him a hug. “I was standing at the window and saw the whole thing. Because I love you, I forgave you. But I wondered how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.”

The moral of the story might be that the enemy, Satan, keeps throwing up some sin in your life right in your face. But whatever it is. Jesus Christ was standing at the window. And He saw the whole thing. But because He loves you, He has forgiven you. Perhaps He’s wondering how long you’ll let the enemy make a slave out of you.


establishment

They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

“Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted, “I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your darn car!”


chelsea white privilege

An Irish Priest transferred to Texas 
 
Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.   

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.     
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.   

The conversation went like this:   “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?” 
 
“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St.  Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?” 

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, 
“Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”  
 
There was dead silence on the line for a moment…….  

Father O’Malley then replied, “Aye, ’tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin, which is the reason for me calling.”


crotchless-panties

Morals Test

Are you as moral as you think you are?

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a woman in the water.

She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is. It’s Hillary Clinton!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Hillary Clinton OR you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the last minutes of one of the world’s most powerful women hell bent on the destruction of the USA.

THE QUESTION:

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer.

“Would you

a) select high contrast color film, or

b) go with the classic simplicity of black and white?”


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Just a few jokes 9/8/2016

Written by chuck on September 7, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

Hillary Clinton called Bill Clinton into her office one day and said, “Bill, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2016!”
“Great Hillary, but how?” asked Bill.

“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle
Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana.  With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you

Bill and Hillary Clinton?”

“Yes we are!” said Hillary, “And what a lovely town you have here.   We were passing through and Bill suggested we stop and take in some local color.”

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, Walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, Shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later,  In came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog,  Lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head And left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in,
Lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Hillary asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come

In and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there

Running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever In here with two assholes!


dog-sex-scandal

ship engine

A ship engine failed, no one could fix it.

Then they brought in a man with 40 yrs. on the job.
He inspected the engine carefully, top to bottom.

After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer.
He gently tapped something.

Instantly, the engine lurched into life.

The engine was fixed!

7 Days later the owners got his bill for 10k.

‘What?!’ the owners said
‘You hardly did anything.

Send us an itemized bill.

” the reply simply said Tapping with a hammer. $2

Knowing where to tap? $9,998

Don’t Ever Underestimate Experience.


pork

Wal-Mart Story

A little boy was found crying in a Wal-Mart store.
When asked what was wrong, he told the security guard that he had lost his mom.
“What does she look like?” asked the security guy.

“I don’t know” sobbed the boy.

A moment later his mother came down the aisle … 




*
*
*
lost his mother


old women

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’
The pharmacist fainted.

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Minnesota Deer Stand


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Just a few jokes 9/7/2016

Written by chuck on September 6, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

WHEN SHOULD ONE BE SILENT?

Be silent in the heat of anger

Be silent when you don’t have all the facts

Be silent when you have not verified the story

Be silent if your words will offend a weaker person

Be silent when it is time to listen

Be silent when you are tempted to make light of holy things

Be silent if you are tempted to joke about a sin

Be silent if you would be ashamed of your words later

Be silent if your words would convey the wrong impression

Be silent if the issue is none of your business

Be silent when you are tempted to tell an outright lie

Be silent if your words will damage someone else’s reputation

Be silent if your words will damage a friendship

Be silent when you are feeling critical

Be silent if you can’t say anything without screaming it

Be silent if your words will be a poor reflection of God in you.

Be silent if you may to eat your words later

Be silent if you already said it more than one time

Be silent when you are tempted to flatter a wicked person

Cultivate silence. It will enable you to control the three T’s

Tongue, Temper and Temptation.


forgot you burned down the store

Confucius Never Said . . . . . .
 
 
 
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
  
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
  
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
  
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
  
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
  
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
  
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
  
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
  
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
  
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
  
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
  
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
  
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
  
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
  
And Confucius Never Said…”A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood.


voter-registration

Regardless of who wins the presidential election this November, we will witness history being made.
 
If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!
 
If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.
 
Is this a great country or what?


pokemon

Appears he got a ticket and tried to take it out on the horse!  Great response from the horse!

Ya just can’t stop watching it. Curb side justice at its best.

Do NOT smack a Cop’s horse !!…..What a great animal!  

This is a perfect case of justice properly applied in a case of animal cruelty.    

I just hope the red car belonged to the guy who went flying.

Notice the condition of the glass window after the flight.

Must be a parking ticket in his left hand!

Click here for short gif

 


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Just a few jokes 9/6/2016

Written by chuck on September 5, 2016 – 6:00 am -

Clean Joke

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.


dog-sex-scandal

God said, “Adam, Iwant you to do something for Me.” 

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?” 

God said, “Go down into that valley.”  
 
 Adam said, “What’s a valley?” 

God explained it to him.  
 
 Then God said, “Cross the river.”

Adam said, “What’s a river?” 

God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill…..” 

Adam said, “What is a hill?” 

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. 

He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.” 

Adam said, ‘What’s a cave?’ 

After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman.” 

Adam said, “What’s a woman?’ 

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, ‘I want you to reproduce.”

Adam said, “How do I do that?”  

God first said (under His breath), “Geez…..” 

And then just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. 

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. 

Then, in about five minutes, he was back. 

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?” 

And Adam said…. 

(YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

“What’s a headache?”


common-core-car

It’s college football season!!!!****HELP REQUESTED****

I bought two full package tickets for the ALABAMA VS USC GAME. They are box seats plus airfare, Marriott Hotel accommodations and $1000.00 for miscellaneous expenses. When I bought them my wedding date had not been finalized. Now it turns out the only date available at the church for the wedding is September 3rd – so I can’t go.

If you’re interested and want to go instead of me, it’s at First Baptist Church at 7 PM. She is a gorgeous woman 5’9 with long natural hair and her name is Erica. She will be the one in the eggshell white wedding dress.

If interested, contact me for more detailed information!


white-folks-are-the-reason-they-live-in-poverty

 
 
I never send chain letters, but this one works.  
 You will be offered sex by simply passing it on!
 It’s incredible!
 
Send ‘HILLARY LOVES YOU’ to ten friends.
 
At least 9 will reply telling you to go screw yourself

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Please click here for more stuff


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Just a few jokes 9/5/2016

Written by chuck on September 4, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

 Uncle Remus Rodham

Uncle Remus Rodham
 
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton’s great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.                       
 
The only other known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.                       
 
On the back of the picture is this inscription:                        
 
‘Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times.                       
Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.’ 
 
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments.                                                            
 
Hillary’s staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch: 

‘Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory.         
             
His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.  Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. 

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.’     
 
And THAT is how ‘SPIN’ is done, folks!                                                                                        
                                                             


air-bags

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds.   Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes.  Really, just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce.
And cheese.   OK, it was a pizza.          I ate a pizza.

How to prepare tofu:   1. Throw it in the trash.   2. Grill some meat.

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don’t mean to brag but…I finished my 14-day diet in three hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Loss of memory has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school?  Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented…I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being older. I learn something new every day…and forget five others.

A thief broke into my house last night…he started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

Hope you had a good laugh….I sure did…lol..!


burnt it down

Coffin

A father told his 3 children when he sent them to college “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened, one became a doctor, one a lawyer, and one a financial planner, each very financially successful.

When their father’s time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed, crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 in cash there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. She dipped into her purse, took out her checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, placed it into  her father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

She is now running for President of the United States….


soc

Engineer in …..
 
 An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level
 of comfort, he starts designing  and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning,flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

 One day God calls and asks Satan, “So, how’s it going down there?” Satan says,”Hey things are going great. 

We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God is horrified. “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gone down there! 

 You know all engineers go to Heaven.

 Send him up here! ” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff.

 I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” 

“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, “and where are you going to get a lawyer?”


establishment

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Comedian James Gregory on Common Sense


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Just a few jokes 9/1/2016

Written by chuck on August 31, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

How men differ from women in remembering the past

A wife was curious when she found an old negative in a drawer and had it made into a print.

She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband.

When she showed him the photo, his face lit up.

“Wow, look at that!”, he said with appreciation,

“That’s my old ‘49 Ford!!”


wrong

VERNON’S FUNERAL

Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends 
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every 
Saturday.
 
His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, 
so for his birthday she takes him to a local 
strip club. 
 
 
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 
“Hey, Vern! How ya doing?” 
 
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to 
this club before.
 
“Oh no,” says Vern.”He’s in my bowling league…” 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern 
if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. 
 
 
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable 
and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” 
 
“I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.” 
 
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her 
arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all 
over him and says…
“Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” 
 
Vern’s wife, now furious, 
grabs her purse and 
storms out of the club. 
 
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in 
beside her. 
 
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper 
must have mistaken him for someone else, 
but his wife is having none of it. 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, 
calling him every 4 letter word in the book.. 
 
The cabby turns around and says, 
 
‘Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.’ 

 
VERN’S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2:00 PM


san diego zoo cool bobcat exhibit

Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc.

These loops never happen in real life, unless…

A company CEO tells his secretary:

“Next week we’re going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements.”

The secretary calls her husband:

“Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time.”

The husband calls his lover:

“My wife is going abroad for a week, lets spend it together…”

The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children:

“Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you’ll be studying at home.”

One of the kids went to his grandfather and said:

“Grandpa, next week I don’t have school, you promised me that if I had time off we’d go to the mountains together.”

The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her:

“My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we’re not going abroad.”

The secretary calls her husband:
“The boss cancelled, we’ll be together, my love.”

The husband calls his lover:
“We can’t spend the week together, my wife is staying.”

The lover tells the kids:

“My problem was solved, school is back on.”

The kid goes to the grandfather:

“Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won’t be able to go.”

The CEO calls his secretary:

“My grandson won’t be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad”

The secretary calls her husband….


old fart

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some History.  Who said: ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?” 
  
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
  
“Patrick Henry, 1775,”  he said. 
  
“Very good! 
  
Who said:  ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’?”
  
Again, no response except from Little Akio: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.” 
  
“Excellent!” said the teacher continuing. “Let’s try one a bit more difficult.
  
Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?” 
  
Once again, Akio’s was the only hand in the air and he said: “John F. Kennedy, 1961.” 
  
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
  
Little Akio isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.” 
  
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Japs.” 
  
“Who said that? I want to know right now !” …she angrily demanded. 
Little Akio put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.” 
  
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.” 
  
The teacher glares around and asks, “All right! Now who said that?” Again, Little Akio says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.” 
  
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” 
  
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
  
“Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!” 
  
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little s—! If you say anything else, I’ll kill you!” 
  
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.” 
  
The teacher fainted. 
  
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh S—, we are finished.” 
  
Little Akio said quietly, “Americans, if Hillary gets elected.”

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Bathing in 1250 Bottles of Hot Sauce


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Just a few jokes 8/31/2016

Written by chuck on August 30, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous Blonde sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks… They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. . ..

Wait for it .. …..

It’s coming …. …..

The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?

She said … ..:

‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)


without muslims

After digging to a depth of 10 feet last year outside Buffalo, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. 

They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly afterward, a story in the LA Times read, “California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.

One week later, a local newspaper in Green Bay, Wisconsin reported, “After digging 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Sobieski, Wisconsin, Ole Olson, a heck of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wisconsin had already gone wireless.

Just makes a person proud to be from Wisconsin!!!


hillary floor clean

The Height Of Misunderstanding
 
Mr. Padro comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: “I have great news… I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby!, The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

The next day, Mrs. Padro receives a telephone call from Gas & Energy Co. because the electricity bill has not been paid.

“Am I speaking to Mrs. Padro?”

“Yes… speaking”

Gas & Energy Co. guy, “You’re a month overdue, Mam, you know!?”

“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.

“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the Gas & Enrgy Co. guy.

“What are you saying? It’s in your files… HOW ???”
“Yes … We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”
” GOD !!! This is too much…”

“Madam, I am sorry… I am just following orders… I have to inform that you are overdue…”

“I know that… let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow..”

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he mad as a bull, rushes to Gas & Energy Co. office the next day morning.

“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts..

“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at Gas & Energy & Co., “it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”

“PAY you? And if I refuse?”

“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off..”

“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.

“Well… I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle. !!!”
and Mr. Padro fainted.


dog hot car

E = mc2
 
 If you were to strip naked and run around in a circle at the speed of 299.8 mm/sec (the speed of light) it would theoretically be possible for you to screw yourself.
 
However, since you are not physically capable of achieving that speed at your age, you can easily accomplish the same result by:

 
Voting Democratic in the Nov. 8, 2016, election.

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Any guy can relate to this mystery


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Thanks,

Chuck


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Just a few jokes 8/30/2016

Written by chuck on August 29, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

The Deaf Wife Problem: 

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. 

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.  

‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. 

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’  

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens. 

Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ No response.  

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner? Still no response. 

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’  Again he gets no response. 

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’  Again there is no response. 

So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’
(I just love this)  
‘For Heaven’s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!’


slow drivers look stupid

Australian Barber .

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, for a
shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks
are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the
old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest
shave he’d had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if
he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, ” Mate, just bring it back in a couple of days like
everyone else does.”


sex at 82

Five Horses is her name
 
    
This is too beautiful not to share!  
Five Horses Is Her Name  
This is mythical and deep.  
Truly beautiful…

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She is called Five Horses”.

The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?”

The Old Indian answered,
“It old Indian name. It mean…

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
 


asshole

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The secret life of Mayberry’s Thelma Lou


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 8/25/2016

Written by chuck on August 24, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in
here.’ One of the Staff passed out.


erection

The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Hillary and said,”Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!

  Hillary replied,
” I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand….
Show Me!” 
So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
 
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it? 


pot of gold

A very fast thinking lady!

Here is her story in her own words:
 
 “While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  
 
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!  Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took….
 
The ‘gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  It’s one of the best pistols in my collection!  Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.”


toilet seat weight

An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde. 
 
“I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price,” said the man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.”

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.

“There you go, grandpa” she said. “You were right when you said that I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later.”

Remember……..never mess with old Codgers !!!!! 


warning half of our teachers

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Chuck


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