A Man’s Age According to Home Depot

Written by chuck on May 10, 2016 – 8:57 am -

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence,
painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken
door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings
and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts
with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what,
and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home
Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry you
hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in
the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never
know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout
> line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change
your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash
your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.
Still got it! Add a shot of you favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl
running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long
enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different
shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty,
so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do
more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your
daughter’s age and you feel weird about thinking she’s spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it
makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you
think you still have it. Then you remember — the hat you have on is from Bubba’s
Bait & Beer Barand it says, ‘I Got Worms ‘

In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog
crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t have your glasses on,
so you’re not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug
store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole
in your crotch… who cares.

In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart
out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond: What’s a home deep hoe?
Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I?
Why am I reading this?

Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 5/10/2016

Written by chuck on May 10, 2016 – 6:00 am -


I just discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn shrimp!
I guess there is no point bothering with hash browns then!


folks are being paid to protest

Two guys meet on the street. The first says: “I was at a party last night. You would not believe the house. It had an indoor heated swimming pool, an indoor waterfall and gold-plated toilet seats !”

The friend looks a little dubious. The partygoer says: “I’ll take you there and show you.”
They arrive at the (very impressive) house. The party guy rings the doorbell. A lady answers the door. He says: “I hate to bother you. I know you’re busy cleaning up after your fabulous party. I was telling my friend about it and I just want to show him three things- the indoor heated pool, the indoor waterfall and the gold-plated toilet seats.”

The lady gets a peculiar look on her face and calls out: “Frank. Come out here. I think I found out who crapped in your tuba.”


men working

This is the story of a young blonde college student flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.

“May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don’t know how to fly. Someone help me!

Please help me!”

She then hears a voice on the radio saying: “This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.”

She then says, “I’m 5’4″ and I support Barack or Hillary”
 
“O.K.” says the voice on the radio, “Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven…

ticket

ticket-2

I am retired and a Trump supporter, I love to screw around with cars with Hillary stickers!


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes G Rated Joke 5/7/2016

Written by chuck on May 6, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

MY PRIVATE PART DIED 
 

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
 

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
 
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 
 

‘Yes, Nurse  Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace. 
 
‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’ 
 
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’ 
 
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. 
 
He met Nurse Tracy. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that.  Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’ 
 
‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. allace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.’ 
 
‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy , ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’ 
 
(You’ve gotta love this.) 
 
 

‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’ 


ATTA

water

gun owers


ATTA

babies to pets


ATTA

vodka salad


ATTA

men working

click here

Please check out my blog for other funny stuff!


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Chuck


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Boom Box

Written by chuck on May 4, 2016 – 6:00 am -

not pc004

not pc003

not pc002

not pc001

not pc007

not pc006

not pc005


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Chuck


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True or False?

Written by chuck on May 2, 2016 – 10:29 pm -

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
(Answers are below.)

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
 
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button. 
 
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
 
4 People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.
 
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
 
6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.
 
7. 40-people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute .
 
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.
 
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years standing in line.
 
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
 
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
 
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
 
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
 
14. The average computer user blinks 7-times a minute.
 
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
 
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
 
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
 
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit  and the parrot.
 
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ and ‘Tootsie.’
 
20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
 
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is  used in place of the milk.
 
22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
 
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburettor.
 
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They  are used in vein transplant surgery.
 
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
 
26. If colouring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.  
 
Now, scroll down for the answers


 ATTA
 
  
They are all TRUE!
 
Now go back and think about 16!


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 5/1/2016

Written by chuck on April 30, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

no big words

So I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a “Muslim Book Store.” I wondered what exactly is in a Muslim book store, so I went in.
  
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye but asked if he could help me.
  
I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”
  
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!”
  
I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”


sucked in

Final Exam
 
  
At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry, and all of them had an ‘A’, so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning. 
  
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. 
  
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.  Cool they thought. Each one in separate  rooms, thinking this was going to be easy…. then they turned the page. On the second page was written….. 
  
For 95 points: Which tire? 


how to insult a horse

My daughter wanted a Cinderella birthday party
so I made her clean the house.

click here

Funny cartoons, but the “F” word is written on one cartoon


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Chuck


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Cartoons

Written by chuck on April 30, 2016 – 8:34 am -

cartoons007

cartoons006

cartoons005

cartoons004

cartoons003

cartoons002

cartoons001

cartoons013

cartoons012

cartoons011

cartoons010

cartoons009

cartoons008


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Chuck


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Attention All Men

Written by chuck on April 26, 2016 – 8:43 am -


ATTENTION ALL MEN:
ATT1

Do women call you Fatty?
ATT2

Do women call you Baldy?

ATT3

Do women call you Ugly?

ATT4

Do you have bad breath?
ATT5

Do women call you Shortie?

ATT6

Do your ears have more hair than your head?

ATT7

Do women call you Stupid?

ATT8

Do women call you Loser?

Are you over 30, 40, 50, 60, or even 80?

ATT9

Worst of all, have the women completely lost interest in you?

Do not despair.

Now there is a new “Male Beauty Product” on the market that will change all of that!

ATTA

bentley


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 4/25/2016

Written by chuck on April 24, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

“I want four little animals”…

 
Mama taught her well!  You’ve got to love this little girl. What a  woman she’ll
make.   

 
A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?” A little girl in the
back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little
animals, just like my Mom always says”.   

 
The teacher asked, “Really..and what four little animals would they be?”  The little
girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed
and a jackass to pay for all of it.”

 
The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.


pyraminds-slaves-ols-4-25-16

Six Little Stories THAT SAY IT ALL..
 
 {1}
Once all the villagers decided to pray for rain.
On the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
 
That’s FAITH
 
{2}
When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.
 
That’s TRUST
 
{3}
Every night we go to bed,without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.
 
That’s HOPE
 
{4}
We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
 
That’s CONFIDENCE
 
{5}
We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.
 
That’s LOVE
 
{6}
On an old man’s shirt was written a sentence ‘I am not 80 years old….
I am sweet 16 with 64 years experience’
 
That’s ATTITUDE


every naked person I see

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get.”

click here

When your door bell rings


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 4/22/2016

Written by chuck on April 21, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

How did we ever survive—

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can’t remember getting E-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring).

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE … and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked’s (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option … even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

I can’t understand it. Schools didn’t offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn’t have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.

I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy’s vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah … and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn’t act up at the neighbor’s house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too….. And then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember why Tonka trucks were made tough … it wasn’t so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn’t even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive.

How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren’t the only psychos.

I recall Little Bobby Taylor from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?


drive it like you stole it ols-4-22-16

Astute Observations On Life…

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech — every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.(Mark Twain)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. (Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ (Joe Namath)

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.(Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)


pneis-ols-4-22-16

Morning After Pill: Hearings are underway on whether to sell the “morning after” birth-control pill over the counter. Top officials in Washington are worried about the plan because as politicians, any drug that cuts down on the number of bastards is seen as a natural threat to their own survival.


bernie free stuff-ols-4-22-16

click here

Target still get the Christians support and the transgender folks. This is a win win for Target.


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Chuck

Barack Obama: “I Ended The War In Iraq” Hypocrisy At It’s Finest

Barack Obama: “I Ended The War In Iraq” Hypocrisy At It’s Finest


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