Jokes and cartoons

Written by chuck on December 8, 2014 – 6:00 am -

lide after death

Apolitical Aphorisms

All of them make sense . . . . . . .

*If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.*~Jay Leno~
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Just a few more jokes

Written by chuck on December 7, 2014 – 8:05 am -

MARRIAGE & MARIJUANA

For those who haven’t heard, Washington State just passed both laws – gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,

“If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before!

broom

“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you’ve seen one shopping Center you’ve seen a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

.. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

broom

The lawyer says: “I have good news and bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million.”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, that is very good news indeed!  You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.”

broom


two boys

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?’
‘Eight’, the boy replied.

The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”

“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.

“Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can’t do none of those.”

broom

fish story

broom

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older:

Number 9 –  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 –  Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 –  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 –  Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart.   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 –  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 –  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 –  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 –  In the 1960’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 –  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

…and as someone recently said to me:

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long.

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The $100,000 bet

Written by chuck on December 7, 2014 – 6:00 am -

An elderly woman walked into the Headquarters of the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’

‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile… Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada!’

Click here for a few more funny jokes.

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

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Just a few funny jokes

Written by chuck on December 3, 2014 – 4:32 pm -

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their Husbands.

The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial, it will strengthen the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room was quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the Instructor

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it? This level of sensitivity can’t be taught.

broom

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing
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He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
3.jpg

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

4.jph

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, “How much is that faucet?”

5.jpg

The manager replied, “That’s a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, “My goodness, that’s an expensive faucet — certainly out of my price range..”
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled,? “Ma’am, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

Mary shouted back, “No, but I will for that faucet.”
 
broom

 Don’t read the text until you’ve looked at the picture.

read text

If you noticed the shark within five seconds or less, you possibly could be gay….

broom

A mad guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with a 7-round magazine plus one in the tube, and yelled,”Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?” A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, “You need more ammo.”

broom

pizza with no toppings

In a church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.  He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

“Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

broom

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

broom

cleavage

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

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Famous Quotes by Famous Folks

Written by chuck on December 1, 2014 – 6:00 am -

” It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” George Burns

” Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.” Lynn Lavner

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place” Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked !” Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. Steve Martin

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life. Elmo Phillips

” Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” Oscar Wilde

” It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” George Burns

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

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Serious stuff and jokes!

Written by chuck on November 30, 2014 – 6:00 am -

Q: What do Lionel trains and breasts….have in common?

trains-breasts

A: They were both originally made for kids, but dads end up playing with them!

broom

This is indeed, a High Tech world.

It is important for us older generation to understand the importance of this picture.

The world is moving fast and TIME is our only fixed income so it must be spent wisely and multiplexed when possible.

Photo of the new generation!

girl on potty

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obamaworkshop

10468665_10152240555482987_4739448926169738162_n

10570349_1008923612457910_8282668605839510962_n

10685516_585685564869714_5402854621288146757_n


beautiful kids

Beautiful Children

ghost froze

ha ha

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

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Funny stuff for Saturday

Written by chuck on November 29, 2014 – 6:00 am -

looting free housing welfare checks free food

show up at the park

safe in gun free zones

used-ols-next-facebook

wl mart cake

zzz-ols-5-14

walk 10 miles to get stoned and have sex

politician honest prostitute and a virgin

monica lewinky's boyfriend

Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

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Pregnant turkey

Written by chuck on November 28, 2014 – 3:58 pm -

Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30 border="0"/>


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Funny Stuff for Friday

Written by chuck on November 28, 2014 – 9:06 am -

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California Red Sided Garter Snake

ass spoke teleprompter

kick in the nuts

old analog phone

looting

Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30 border="0"/>


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Happy Thanksgiving

Written by chuck on November 26, 2014 – 8:23 am -

turkey

May I ask what the turkey did?

Why is there a little angel on top of the Christmas tree?

An old couple are vacationing in Israel…

Irish Alzheimer’s

Just been to the gym.


scales

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

no wifi talk to each other

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the egular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor..

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day?

I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this. :)

bitch or change

An old couple are vacationing in Israel…

The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.

The grave digger says “I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000.”

The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.

The grave digger is stunned “Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?”

The man gets very close and whispers “A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I cant take that chance with her.”

organic vegetables

Irish Alzheimer’s

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

priorities

Just been to the gym.

They’ve got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, and other stuff!

Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

click here

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30 border="0"/>


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