Six short jokes

Written by chuck on October 6, 2014 – 11:47 am -

jellyfish

original sin

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

‘May I help you sir?’ she asked.

‘I want to see Valerie,’ the man replied.
‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else’, said the madam.

‘No, I must see Valerie,’ he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out themoney, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, ‘No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?’ she asked.

The man replied, ‘Camp Ellis, Maine ‘.

‘Really?’, she said. ‘I have family in Camp Ellis, Maine .’
‘I know.’ the man said. ‘Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.’

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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An Emergency Call Centre worker in Renfrew has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialed 911 from a mobile phone stating, “I am depressed and lying here on a railway line.

I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally meet Allah.”

“Remain calm and stay on the line,” was not considered to be an appropriate response

————————————-

Two rednecks are sitting on the front porch.

One says, “Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?”

“AW MAN!”, says his friend, “and I just joined the VFW!”

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“Negotiating with Obama is like playing chess with a pigeon….the pigeon knocks over all the pieces, shits on the board and then struts around like it won the game” ~Vladimir Putin


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Nancy Pelosi – Dumber Than A Snake?

Written by chuck on October 5, 2014 – 1:00 pm -


DJugMghJN ols 8-12-14

Dumb as a box of Rocks, but first a true story about Nancy Pelosi!

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

‘Would you mind telling me, Doctor,’ she asked, ‘how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?’

‘Nothing is easier,’ he replied. ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..’

‘What sort of question?’ asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask , ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?”

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.’

Sadly, they walk among us!
—————————————————————–

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
————————————-

*One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted…..
‘Look at that dead bird!’
Someone looked up at the sky and said…’where?’

They walk among us!

———————————————————-

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff……’

They Walk Among Us!
——————————————–

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she ‘didn’t think she’d get sunburned
because the car was moving’.

They Walk Among Us!
————————————

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
————————————————-

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me,
‘Has your plane arrived yet?’…
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
————————————————
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

—————————————————————
Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding… Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic cameraagain flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace… Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can’t fix stupid.


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The $100 Dollar Bill

Written by chuck on October 5, 2014 – 6:00 am -

Stay with this one. It is good (makes sense)………………must
be the “new math”.

It’s a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and the streets
are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living
on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the
motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms
upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and
runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

(Stay with this….. and pay attention)

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire
his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to
his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to
the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her “services” on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with
the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so
the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes
down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the
$100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However,
the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false
atmosphere of optimism and glee.

And that, my friends, is how a “government stimulus package” works!


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THE DEAD COW LECTURE LESSON!

Written by chuck on October 5, 2014 – 6:00 am -

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them:

“In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.”

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,………

“The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”


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Serious & Funny Stuff

Written by chuck on October 4, 2014 – 11:40 am -

party while you can

glogal warming ols 10-4-14

girls who fish are sex

image002

hillary

image031

image028

patti davis

selling my stuff

OBAMA COULD EAT A PUPPY

obama

Zingers

uss barack obama

not arguing..why i am correct

obama lincoln

vladimir putin-500


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Clean Jokes

Written by chuck on October 4, 2014 – 6:00 am -

politician prostitute

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’

good-one

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

good-one

A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbour . ‘What kind is it?’
‘ Twelve thirty..’ –

good-one

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

good-one

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’


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World’s Best Baby Sitters

Written by chuck on October 3, 2014 – 5:53 pm -

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

Written by chuck on October 3, 2014 – 5:07 pm -

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

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Under Oath

Written by chuck on October 2, 2014 – 6:00 am -

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.


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Common Core Students

Written by chuck on October 1, 2014 – 11:00 am -

These are genuine answers from 16 year olds! (In 2 years they can vote!)

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (finally we understand)


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