Yoga mat for sale. Used once.

Written by chuck on October 21, 2014 – 11:02 am -

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2013. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don’t exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other’s body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don’t worry, I’ll mention them later.)

12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I’m in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, “for better or worse” is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don’t get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.

1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can’t really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it’s voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It’s like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and ‘cool down’ in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level – probably by 15 degrees. So let’s conservatively say it’s 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day’s turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein — effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the “shakes” consume my body.

4:29p
Note to self – check car for missing wet yoga towel in AM.

click here

Democrats Rally for Obama!


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Democrats ralley for Obama

Written by chuck on October 21, 2014 – 9:15 am -

democrats rally for obama

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Funny Jokes

Written by chuck on October 20, 2014 – 5:14 pm -


HALLOWEEN TREATS

halloween treats

I couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.?
One of the guys says to his buddy:  “Man you look  tired.”
His buddy says: “Dude I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don’t know what to do.”

A fellow about my age (80+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: “Marry her. That’ll put a stop to that shit.”

120105~3

British Humor

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN , damn those Brits are smart!

120105~3

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea … it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at Noon

120105~3


man

Because there are no mosques in Venice, the Italian Government has allowed Muslims to pray in the streets.
pray in the streets

So far 543 have drowned.
GOD BLESS THE ITALIANS!


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Marriage Jokes

Written by chuck on October 18, 2014 – 9:06 am -

“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors” …… Plato

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said:
“No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o’clock every night….whether you’re here or not.”

(DARN SHE’S GOOD!)

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!”

“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!”

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

************ ********* ** ************ ******

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no
good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer to the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.”

“In bed this early, doing what?”

“Getting a second opinion!”

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

************ ********* ********* ********* **

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,” Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion,
shouts right back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

************ ********* ********* ********* **

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment..
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight..
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,”Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight..

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


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Jokes that are very funny but rather clean!

Written by chuck on October 16, 2014 – 4:30 pm -


he is on a leash

Fox is already bowing  to the President.

In response to President Obama’s complaint that FOX News doesn’t show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network.
FOX has announced that they will now air ” America ‘s Most Wanted” TWICE a week..

emo30

My dental surgery ………

How I lost my teeth!

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, 
when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me,and 
slapped me on the butt.

She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.”

She said, “I sure do.”

I said, “Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday.

emo30

A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”
And that my friends … is Confidence.

emo30


6 year old and a 4 year old

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss. “The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

emo30

The Frog and Golf?

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he Hears,?

Ribbit 9 Iron.’

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.

Again, he hears, ‘Ribbit 9 Iron.’

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the? cup.

He is shocked.?

He says to the frog, ‘Wow that’s amazing..

You must be a lucky frog, eh the frog replies, Ribbit Lucky frog.’
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

‘What do you think frog tThe man asks.
‘Ribbit 3 wood.’

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom! Hole in one…

The man is befuddled and doesn’t know What to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

‘OK where to next, the frog replies,

‘Ribbit Las Vegas ..

‘ They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,

‘OK frog, now What?’

roulette
The frog says, ‘Ribbit Roulette.’

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, what do you think I should bet?’

The frog replies ‘Ribbit $3000, black 6.’

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man Figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and Says,

‘Frog, I don’t know how to repay you.
You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.’

The frog replies,

‘Ribbit KissMe.’

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for Him,

He deserves it..
girl

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

‘And that,

your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

So help me God
Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.’




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Serious & Funny Stuff

Written by chuck on October 16, 2014 – 10:00 am -

racist

teeny weenie

catching fire ols-10-15-14

liquor store

i went to the jim

expression

silence is golden

cork off dinner

auto correct

your guide

cost of ambulance ride

can not here

wrap it in latex

mrs. butterworth

organic vegetables

henry ford


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AAADD – KNOW THE SYMPTOMS……

Written by chuck on October 15, 2014 – 7:52 am -

h-Kidding ... right

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the post box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye – the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers..

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control.Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn’t washed

The bills aren’t paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

The flowers don’t have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can’t find the remote,

I can’t find my glasses,

And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I’m really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…..

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I can’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!


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Senior Lemon Picker

Written by chuck on October 15, 2014 – 7:00 am -


LemonPicker

Sally Mullihan of Yuma, Arizona decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

The woman applying for a job in a Yuma lemon grove seemed far too qualified for the job.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers and voted for Obama.”

click here

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Business man in 1st class to a sexy, gorgeous air hostess:

Written by chuck on October 15, 2014 – 6:00 am -


businessman

Business man: What’s your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, sir!

Business man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes sir, very close.

Business man: How close?

Hostess: Same price


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Quickie

Written by chuck on October 14, 2014 – 3:07 pm -

Love what kids come up with…they know so much they are not given credit for.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie ” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities…
– “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
– “An ambulance just drove by!”
– “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
– “Matt’s riding a new bike!”
– “Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
– “Jason is on his skate board!”
After a few moments he announced…
– “The Coopers are having sex
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out…”How do you know they’re having sex?”

“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”


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