Just a few jokes 12/28/2016

Written by chuck on December 28, 2016 – 7:46 am -

A woman was walking down the street in Marietta, Georgia, when she saw a Christmas window display that really caught her eye: It was a typical nativity display in all ways except that the three wise men were wearing firefighter’s hats. Intrigued, the woman went into the store and asked the manager why the Magi were dressed as firefighters, to which the manager replied, “Well, ma’am, everyone knows that they came from afar!”

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass ?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,
” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there eating grass under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated,
“You may come with us, also.”

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
“But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
“Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high.”

Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing
as a heart-warming lawyer story?
Look at Congress — over 300 Lawyers!!!

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Just a few jokes 12/27/2016

Written by chuck on December 26, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

An elderly gentleman…

had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.

Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’ The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’ ‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great… I would recommend it very highly.’ The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’ The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

A husband Texts his Wife

A husband texts his wife after being involved in a severe accident. “Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Cathy brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head was very strong. It may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.”

Wife’s Response: Who is Cathy?

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Just a few jokes 12/26/2016

Written by chuck on December 25, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

This is Lexi, she’s an 8 week-old German Sheppard, I bought Lexi
as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we
are now looking to find her a new home.

She is 68 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives,
is a great cook and keeps a good house.

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue how to talk!”
“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says. “I’ll get him in the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
“So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.
“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, “So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”

The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman…

The woman also requested to be buried with her favourite Bible.
Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
“There’s one more thing,” she said excitedly.

“What’s that?” came the pastor’s reply.

“This is very important,” the woman continued. “I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.”

The pastor didn’t know what to say. “That surprises you, doesn’t it?” the woman asked.

“Well, to be honest, I’m puzzled by the request,” said the pastor.

The woman explained. “In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork’.
It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming…

Like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance. So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder, ‘What’s with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them : “Keep your fork… the best is yet to come”.

The pastor’s eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman the last time he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the woman’s casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing, her favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question, “What’s with the fork?” And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman about what it symbolized to her.
The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.

So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, oh so gently, that the best is yet to come.

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Just a few jokes 12/23/2016

Written by chuck on December 22, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Leave this pub right now!”

He then approached a second man. Father Murphy asked, “Do you want to got to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then leave this den of Satan!” said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O’Toole and asked, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole replied: “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole smiled, “Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

  First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
 ‘In honour of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each  possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’
 The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
 He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.
 ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.
 The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He  shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’
 Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.
 The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
 St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just  what do those symbolize?’
 The paddy replied, ‘These are Carols.’
 And So The Christmas Season Begins……

Trump has announced that he now has all the necessary materials to build the wall along the Mexican border.

When Trump won the election, 60 million Democrats each shit a brick….

A liberal friend asked me what I thought he might need in order

to defend his home and family from home invasion.

I suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips, and a box of shells.

A few days later he sent me this picture and asked me how to make it all work.

He voted for Obama — twice.

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Cartoons about us old folks

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Cartoons about us old folks

Written by chuck on December 22, 2016 – 11:48 am -

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Just a few jokes 12/21/2016

Written by chuck on December 20, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

Stuff you didn’t know you didn’t know!

Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green..
It is impossible to lick
your elbow.
The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:
The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this…)
——— ——— ———
The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400
The average number
of people airborne over the U.S.
in any given hour:

Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..

The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.
Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades – King David

Hearts – Charlemagne

Clubs – Alexander, the Great

Diamonds – Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground,
the person died of natural causes.
Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2,
but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession
Q.. If you were to spell out numbers,
how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter ‘A’?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented
by women.
Q. What is the only
food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls
than any other day of the year?

A.. Father’s Day
In Shakespeare’s time,
mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence, the
phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’
It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that
for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father
would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and,
because their calendar was lunar based,
this period was called the honey month,
which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts…. So in old England ,
when customers got unruly,
the bartender would yell at them
‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ . . .
It’s where we get
the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’
Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill , they used the whistle
to get some service.
‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
——— ——— —— — ——— ——— ———
At least 75% of
people who read this will try
to lick their elbow!

IN 2016
1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who
works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch
with friends and family is that they
don’t have e-mail addresses.

6.. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you
carry in the groceries…
7. Every commercial on television
has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60)
years of your life,
is now a cause for panic,
and you turn around to go and get it ..

10. You get up in the morning and go online
before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and
nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly
to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that
there wasn’t a #9 on this list …

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW you’re LAUGHING at yourself!
“Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves,
for they shall never cease to be amused!”
(Unknown Author)
——— ——— ———
Go on, forward this to your friends.
You know you want to! And try to lick your elbow!

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A Wake-Up Call About the Calories in Coffee

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Just a few jokes 12/20/2016

Written by chuck on December 20, 2016 – 1:42 am -

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, “Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!”

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, “Well, little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?”
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, with a gun in her hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled mightily and managed to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration :

Early one morning, best buddies Bob and Ted headed out onto the ice to do some fishing. Just as they began to auger a hole in the ice, a voice boomed from overhead, “There are no fish under the ice.” So Bob and Ted moved over about 25 feet and began to auger another hole—when again the voice came, “There are no fish under the ice!” Bob and Ted looked around, then looked at each other.
Finally, cautiously, Bob called out, “Are you God?”
The voice replied, “No, you idiots, I’m the rink attendant!”

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Hell is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared
when he shook them out.

‘April’, he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker. ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!!!!!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago….

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended northmont high school.’Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a thunderbolt,’ he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?’ I asked.

He answered, ‘in 1975. Why do you ask?’

You were in my class!’, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, ‘what did you teach?’

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

When Kit Carson wasn’t out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast.

Arising early, he went down to the hen house and collected some fresh eggs. There were only six.

On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificent large-mouth bass. He wasn’t sure how to carry everything—then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home. Suddenly, …the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf.

Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.

When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying, “You shouldn’t have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit.”

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Just a few jokes 12/19/2016

Written by chuck on December 18, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept mon…ey from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Member of Congress was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said. “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my Goodness! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”


People say circumcision does NOT hurt, but
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year!
When You Are Over Seventy
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my
behind and said, “You’re kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?”;
I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”;
She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.
I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”;
Cost me 6 stitches…but, when you’re over seventy……………who cares?

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”;
Lady Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”;
When you’re over seventy……………who cares?

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and
got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but… When you’re over seventy……………who cares?

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

“Really” she said, “Go on then… try.”;

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”;

I said, “Yesterday.”;

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but… When you’re over seventy……………who cares?

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

Cost me a bloody nose, but… When you’re over seventy……………who cares?

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.”;

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”;

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”;
Cost me 6 more stitches, but… When you’re over seventy……………who cares?

aiding the enemy treason now foreign aid

Two million copies of the book entitled “How to change your wife in thirty days ” were sold in one week.

Then the publisher realised the spelling mistake. It was corrected “How to change your life in thirty days”.

Only ten copies were sold next month.

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Kitchen storage for canned goods

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Just a few jokes 12/15/2016

Written by chuck on December 14, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first romantic encounter.
Eagerly, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very depressed state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for romance, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out…

“If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

That’s when she shot him.


My wife said to me “I want you to whisper dirty things into my ear.”
So I said “kitchen, bathroom, living room..”
Anybody out there looking for a male roommate?


The Baby Jesus
 This is so cute
 It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.
 The pastor of the church was looking over the lawn when he  noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. 
 He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon and in  the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.
 So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get  your passenger, my fine friend?”
 The little boy replied, “I got Him at church.”
 “And why did you take Him?”
 The boy explained, “Well, about a week before Christmas I  prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring  me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around  the block in it.”


The absolute worst foursome in golf history
1.  Monica  Lewinski

2. O.J. Simpson

3.  Ted  Kennedy

 4.  Bill Clinton
 Why, you ask?
1. Monica is a hooker

 2.  O. J. is a slicer

 3. Ted can’t drive over water,
 4. Bill  can’t  remember which hole he played last


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Just a few jokes 12/09/2016

Written by chuck on December 8, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

My Gun is lazy……………

Be careful out there!
Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my Remington 30.06 right in the doorway. I left 6 cartridges beside it, then left it alone and went about my business.

While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign near the front of my house.

After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there, right where I had left it. It hadn’t moved itself outside. It certainly hadn’t killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had presented to do so.
In fact, it hadn’t even loaded itself. Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the hype by the Left and the Media about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people. Either the media is wrong or I’m in possession of the laziest gun in the world.

The United States is 3rd in Murders throughout the World. But if you take out just 4 cities: Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC and New Orleans, the United States is 4th from the bottom, in the entire world, for Murders.

These 4 Cities also have the toughest Gun Control Laws in the U.S. ALL 4 of these cities are controlled by Democrats. It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data – right?

Well, I’m off to check on my spoons. I hear they’re making people fat.

God Bless America



















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Trump 25 years ago

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