Famous Sex Quotes

Written by chuck on September 24, 2014 – 3:59 pm -

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Compare Titanic to Clinton

Written by chuck on September 24, 2014 – 3:00 pm -

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost – $29.99

Clinton: Cost – $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let’s not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn’t remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica… Ooh, let’s not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary – basically the same thing


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These people are in for a bad time…

Written by chuck on September 23, 2014 – 4:20 pm -

Did you ever see something and wonder, “Is that going to end well?” Of course you have. These things aren’t always something to laugh about, or at least aren’t obviously funny at first. But when you see these in-you-face insanely doomed pictures, you won’t believe your eyes.

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Truisms

Written by chuck on September 22, 2014 – 5:04 pm -

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35 years of marriage

Written by chuck on September 21, 2014 – 1:00 pm -

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, division of chores, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs
she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched,
with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish.”


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Economic lesson for today… $7.00 Sex

Written by chuck on September 21, 2014 – 10:47 am -

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’

The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’

The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.

She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.

I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.


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More funny stuff

Written by chuck on September 21, 2014 – 7:00 am -

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ditcher quick hyde

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answering questions

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Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

Written by chuck on September 20, 2014 – 11:00 pm -

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor.. It was self-service.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

I knew a girl so ugly… They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … Put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! …When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said…”Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.


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Wife got upset over a …

Written by chuck on September 20, 2014 – 4:48 pm -

dog driving


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Mostly funny cartoons

Written by chuck on September 20, 2014 – 11:22 am -

can not afford a dog

average body

epic


Just for my lady readers!

for my lady readers

jehovah's training center

queen is never late

short girl problems

stop talking

voodoo scratch my butt

women correct me if I am wrong

redneck dream catcher


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