Just a few more funny jokes

Written by chuck on December 18, 2014 – 3:32 pm -

You are an Extreme Redneck When …

Mandatory Seniors exercises And God Looked Down

Robbers entered a bank in a small town.

A man was walking along a beach in California when he kicked up a magic lamp.

deal with it

You are an Extreme Redneck When …
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

!CDI-1~112

Mandatory Seniors exercises
And God Looked Down

Most seniors never get enough exercise. So in his wisdom God decreed that
seniors would become forgetful that they would have to search for their
glasses, keys and other things misplaced and so do some walking.
And God Looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was yet a need. So God in his wisdom made seniors loose coordination that they would drop things which would require them to bend and reach and stretch..
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the functioning of seniors bladders and decided that in
His wisdom there might be calls of nature more frequently requiring more
trips to the relief station that would burn calories.
God looked down and saw that it was good.

Seniors were obliged to exercise more from these senior shortcomings and
did become more active as a result. So if you find you are required to get up
and down more as you age, remember it’s God’s will and in your best
interests even though you mutter under your breath.

So now you know!!

!CDI-1~112

Robbers entered a bank in a small town.

One of them shouted: “Don’t move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, ” Ma’am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly.”This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): “Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole.” ?
The older man replied: “Don’t be stupid. It’s a lot of money so let’s wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank.”This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
“Let’s call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen.”
“Wait”, said the Accountant, “before we do that, let’s add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery.”This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million.
The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
“We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank’s management robbed two million dollars without blinking?  Maybe its better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber.”This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral:Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank . Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

!CDI-1~112

A man was walking along a beach in California when he kicked up a magic lamp.  For a joke he rubbed the lamp and was surprised when a genie appeared in front of him.  The Genie told the man that all the stories were wrong.  You do not get three wishes.  You only get one.

So the man thought and thought.  Finally he said, “I have always wanted to see Hawaii.  But I am scared to death to fly and boats sink too easy for me to get on one of those.  So I want you to build a road from here to Hawaii, so I can drive out there.” 

The Genie got a concerned look on his face and told the man.  “You cannot have that wish.  The logistics would be staggering.  Think about all that concrete.  The environment impact.  The gas stations in the middle of the ocean…You will have to pick another wish.”?

So the man thought hard again. “Ok, I want to be able to understand what a woman really wants from a man.”

Again the Genie gets a concerned look on his face.  “You do pick extremely difficult wishes.  I am not sure even I, the great Genie could do that.  The sheer attempt may destroy me.  Please pick another wish rather than me take the risk.”?

So again the man thought real hard.   “ I want you to bring me an intelligent Liberal to be able to explain to me how raising the minimum wage, taxing the middle class to give welfare to the lazy and blaming it all on the upper 1% and Corporations is good for the USA?”

The Genie just shook his head and told the man “Do you want that Highway to Hawaii in one lane or two?

There is no such thing as an intelligent liberal and all those things are destroying the country not helping it, turning it into a Socialist nation.”

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Few more funny jokes & one serious item!

Written by chuck on December 17, 2014 – 6:55 am -


girl dives into toilet

So Hillary Clinton, Rick Perry, and Billy Graham Were on a plane.

The airplane was about to crash, and there were 4 passengers left, but only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger, Rick Perry said “I’m the governor of the great state of Texas, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of millions of people, helping lead our state to prosperity, etc.” So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said “I am the future first female President of the United States, and I am the smartest woman in the world.” So she takes the second parachute and exits the plane.

The third passenger, Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a 10-year old boy scout “I am old and frail and I don’t have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.”

The boy scout said “It’s okay! There’s a parachute left for you. The ‘world’s smartest woman’ took my backpack.”

funny ha ha ha

Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and boasting about each company’s service.

The first one says, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

The second one says, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in two hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.”

The last salesman says, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the twentieth floor in the Sears Tower. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the eighty-fifth floor, slipped and fell. We handed him a check as he passed our floor.”

funny ha ha ha

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! She said, “I have some really great news! I’m pregnant!!!”

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!” Then she said, “There’s more.”

I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?” She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said

“Well, I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

funny ha ha ha

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washing Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious…?

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he  published concerning a name change for the Washington  Redskins.?

         
Dear Mr. Page…

I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must  be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta  Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. It’s offensive to us white folk.?

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy?  No
there is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.?

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!?

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.?

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

  
As a die hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers? (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress.

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Just a few more funny joke and some serious stuff 12/14/2014

Written by chuck on December 14, 2014 – 12:10 pm -

One Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C.an aide to Nancy Pelosi

visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”

Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your cathedral if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the Church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”

As Pelosi’s aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As  promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, “While Ms. Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues.?

Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people.?

She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted.”

The Cardinal concluded, “But, when compared with President Obama,

Ms. Pelosi is a saint.”

ha ha

I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Harrisburg Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about………

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.”

I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my darned car had
been stolen!

ha ha

Christmas Lights

 I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Obama.

 They all hang together; half of the little bastards don’t work; and the ones that do, aren’t that bright.

ha ha

Reason why I don’t practice yoga

whiskey yoga 3 year edge

ha ha

IMG_19024018488135

IMG_1061914649997

IMG_30796707726982

IMG_24124902589811

IMG_23966041772731

motivation posters-3

motivation posters-2

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Just a few more funny jokes!

Written by chuck on December 13, 2014 – 5:30 am -

I have an idea OSHA would not approve of this!

osha would not approve ols 12-13-14

High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, they had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes,….. yes I will!”

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

“Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart.”

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. “And I am so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who asked me!”

funny ha ha ha

A cluttered desk

There’s an old saying that seems to apply: “Creative minds are rarely tidy.” There is another saying that “A cluttered chaotic desk is a sign of genius.” …….A picture is worth a thousand words…

William F. Buckley

Nat Hentoff

Albert Einstein

obama

funny ha ha ha

A young boy went to visit his grandparents.

He noticed his grandfather sitting in a rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Gramps, what are you doing?” he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Gramps, what are you doing sitting here with nothing on below your waist?” he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is granny’s idea.”

funny ha ha ha

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

“What can I do for ya’ll?” asks the attendant. “Fill ‘er up with high test,” replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.

“What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.”

“Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.”

“What all’s it got in it?” asks the attendant.

“Well,” says the driver, “It has everything.  It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine.”

“Wow,” says the attendant, “That’s really something!”

“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.

“That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

“What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant.

“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver.

“Wow,” says the attendant, “Those Cadillac people think of everything!”

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Just a few more jokes, plus the difference between Socialism vs. Racism

Written by chuck on December 12, 2014 – 5:34 am -

Just a few more jokes, plus the difference between Socialism vs. Racism

If Friday had a face…


zzz-friday-face

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. 
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. ‘Oh my God – Hurry, 

Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early,’
‘I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.’

‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied. ‘He’s got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems.’   So the
boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the  window.
 As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them.?

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in?
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had?
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always?
run in the nude?’ one asked.?

‘Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping in air. ‘It feels so wonderfully free!’?
Another runner moved a long side. ‘Do you always run carrying your?
clothes with you under your arm?’  ‘Oh, yes’ our friend answered breathlessly.
‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go
home.’

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you always wear
a condom when you run.’

‘Nope. . Just when it’s raining.’


running nude

Socialism vs. Racism

A young black kid, watching a panel discussion on CNN, asks his mother, “Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?”

“Well, Child … Socialism is when white folks work every day so we can get all our shit free like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school lunch, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and on and on, … you know. That’s Socialism.”

“But mama, don’t the white people get pissed off about that?”

“Sure they do honey, and that’s called Racism.”

!CDI-1~112

To you dog lovers, and to you not dog lovers, I think you’ll all like this one. This photo almost made me cry!

I receive lots of wonderful photos of dogs, cats, and other adorable animals. And I always like to forward the cute ones.

This one is especially touching.


dog lover

**

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party.?
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.
He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and,
next to them, a single red rose!!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a
huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you
your favorite dinner tonight.  I love you, darling.  Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.  His 16 year old son
is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son,….,what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk out of your mind, you fell over
the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

All in all, one hell of a performance, Dad.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean?  I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT. Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,…

“Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Jokes and cartoons

Written by chuck on December 8, 2014 – 6:00 am -

lide after death

Apolitical Aphorisms

All of them make sense . . . . . . .

*If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.*~Jay Leno~
Read more »


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Just a few more jokes

Written by chuck on December 7, 2014 – 8:05 am -

MARRIAGE & MARIJUANA

For those who haven’t heard, Washington State just passed both laws – gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,

“If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before!

broom

“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you’ve seen one shopping Center you’ve seen a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

.. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

broom

The lawyer says: “I have good news and bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million.”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, that is very good news indeed!  You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.”

broom


two boys

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?’
‘Eight’, the boy replied.

The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”

“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.

“Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can’t do none of those.”

broom

fish story

broom

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older:

Number 9 –  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 –  Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 –  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 –  Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart.   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 –  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 –  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 –  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 –  In the 1960’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 –  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

…and as someone recently said to me:

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long.

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


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The $100,000 bet

Written by chuck on December 7, 2014 – 6:00 am -

An elderly woman walked into the Headquarters of the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’

‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile… Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada!’

Click here for a few more funny jokes.

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Just a few funny jokes

Written by chuck on December 3, 2014 – 4:32 pm -

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their Husbands.

The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial, it will strengthen the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room was quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the Instructor

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it? This level of sensitivity can’t be taught.

broom

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing
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He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
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Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

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When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, “How much is that faucet?”

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The manager replied, “That’s a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, “My goodness, that’s an expensive faucet — certainly out of my price range..”
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled,? “Ma’am, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

Mary shouted back, “No, but I will for that faucet.”
 
broom

 Don’t read the text until you’ve looked at the picture.

read text

If you noticed the shark within five seconds or less, you possibly could be gay….

broom

A mad guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with a 7-round magazine plus one in the tube, and yelled,”Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?” A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, “You need more ammo.”

broom

pizza with no toppings

In a church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.  He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

“Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

broom

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

broom

cleavage

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Famous Quotes by Famous Folks

Written by chuck on December 1, 2014 – 6:00 am -

” It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” George Burns

” Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.” Lynn Lavner

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place” Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked !” Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. Steve Martin

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life. Elmo Phillips

” Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” Oscar Wilde

” It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” George Burns

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Farm-Fresh Fruit Gifts from Florida’s Indian River Region

Since 1947, we have built a reputation for unique fruit gifts fresh from Florida. Unlike other gifting companies, we hand pick your citrus gifts fresh from Florida groves as soon as we receive your gift order and not a minute before. Our special location along Florida’s Indian River helps us grow the best fruit gifts including our sweet Florida oranges, our grove fresh navels , our world-renowned Indian River grapefruit and our rare and limited honeybells . When you place your gift order with us, your citrus gift is still ripening and sweetening on the tree.

CLICK HERE for a super deal Gift basket with Chocolate &fruit

Click here for baskets under $30


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »