The Ultimate Golf FAIL Compilation

Written by chuck on February 27, 2015 – 8:28 am -

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Just a few more jokes and stuff

Written by chuck on February 23, 2015 – 11:58 am -


liberals


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click here

Entabulator, I feel the government will support this


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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my a** to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”

state trooper


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water facts


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To Be 8 again!

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Vicky who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off I asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking? in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming? Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomachfelt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald’s and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite? candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.?

I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.?

‘I meant my dress size, you @___! idiot!!!!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


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old folks

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ……

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!


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get obama attention ols 2-23-15


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obama dishonest incompetent

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Just a few more jokes & Stuff

Written by chuck on February 20, 2015 – 11:12 am -

beheading

obama dishonest incompetent

You may be a Muslim.

Obama pissing on the USA

I will fear no evil

The 5 second rule

Pepper Sex

My ass is cold

Do not crawl into a black hole

Read more »


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Just a few more jokes 2/17/2015

Written by chuck on February 17, 2015 – 9:26 am -

toy snake in lettuce section ols 2-17-15

She looked so happy to see me.

A little preventive medicine!

Election results

Are you as moral as you think you are?

This is outrageous!  African American teenager beating a white police officer in NYC as fellow officer stands by ….

Aircraft Hits Four Buildings

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Having had such a shit night, I decided to go round to my girlfriend’s house. When I got there I parked outside, looked up and saw her at her bedroom window. She looked so happy to see me. Suddenly I was overcome with emotion because I was so pleased to see her too. We’ve been together for three years so far and had some wonderful times. I know it may sound soppy and over-the-top but, at that moment in time, there was no-one else on Earth that I wanted to be with. She was the one.

I got out of the car and made my way towards her front door. The front lawn was a blanket of untouched snow and, with my girlfriend still watching me, an idea crossed my mind. Giddy with emotion, I stepped onto the lawn, got down on one knee and began to carve a message in the snow, letter by letter…

HANNAH, WILL YOU MA…

I looked up and could see her starting to breathe heavily, trying to smile as her eyes welled up with tears…

…KE ME A CUP OF TEA AND A SANDWICH?

That was 4 days ago, and she still isn’t speaking to me.

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A little preventive medicine!

An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.  His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, said, ‘Where are you going?’

He replies, ‘I’m going to the doctor.’

She says, ‘Why, are you sick?’

He says, ‘Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.’

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker, and begins to put on her coat.

He says, ‘Where the heck are you going?’

She answers, ‘I’m going to the doctor, too.’

He says, ‘Why, what do you need?’

She says, ‘If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a Tetanus shot.

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election results are in ols 2-17-15

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Are you as moral as you think you are?

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, , Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It’s Barack Obama! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Barack Obama or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world’s most powerful socialist men hell bent on the destruction of America.

THE QUESTION:

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer.

“Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

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African American teenager beating a white police officer stands by

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Aircraft Hits Four Buildings ols 2-17-15

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God & Lawn Care plus a few more jokes

Written by chuck on February 15, 2015 – 7:18 am -

God & Lawn Care

Irony is wasted on the stupid

Cell Phone Karma

PRIMITIVE LOVE

Budget

A storm is coming

This has hurt more people than my gun has!


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God said: “Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.”

St. FRANCIS:
It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about….

GOD:

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis


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irony is wasted on the stupid


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Cell Phone Karma


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PRIMITIVE LOVE
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate. “Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded. “Counting your ribs,” said Eve.


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budget


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storm buy milk and bread

has hurt more people than my gun


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Why are rain coats yellow and a few jokes!

Written by chuck on February 12, 2015 – 11:08 am -

adolf kitter (2)

Frank works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Frank! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Frank. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Frank if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’! s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Frank, starts to rub herself all over him and says “Hi Frankie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Frank’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Frank follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Frank tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Frank, you picked up a real bitch this time.

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why are rain coats yellow

agent-typing

The Pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’

The guy replies, ‘I’ m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.’

Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it’s the priest’s turn.  He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’

Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

‘Just a minute,’ says the good father.  ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How can this be?

‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.  ‘When you preached – people slept.  When he flew, people prayed.’

I knew you’d like it!

agent-typing

  Only weeks after leaving office on January 20, 2017, former president Barack Hussein Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come out and fix it.  Joe drives to Obama’s  new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago where all the residents have a net income of more than $250,000 per year.
                
Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house.  Joe is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink.  Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama that it’s an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes.  Obama asks Joe how much it will  cost.  Joe checks his rate chart and says, “$9,500.”
                
“What?!  $9,500?” Obama asks, stunned, “But you  said it’s an easy repair  Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!”
Joe says, “Yes, but what I do is charge those who make $250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free,” explains Joe.”This has always been my philosophy.  As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this  philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way.  It’s known as ‘Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014 ‘  I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it.”
                
In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there’s no way he’s paying that much for a small  plumbing repair, so Joe leaves.  Obama spends the next hour flipping through the  phone book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe’s price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes un-repaired for several more days.  A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink.  Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning.  The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour and there’s a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return.
                
Joe goes back to Obama’s house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says, “Let’s  see, this will now cost you $21,000.”

Obama quickly fires back, “What! A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!”

Joe explains, “Well, because of the ‘Affordable Plumbing Act ,’ a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers into the plumbing exchanges.  As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps  rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! 

There’s a long waiting list of those who need repairs but the amount we get doesn’t cover our costs.  This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they’re not being replaced, and nobody is  going into the plumbing business because they know they can’t make any money at it.  I’m hurting, too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won’t pay their fair share.”

agent-typing

Most of our generation 50+ was HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.

1. My mother taught me
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE? .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock?
You into the middle of next week!”

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC ..
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
You’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case?
You’re in an accident.”

7. My father taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying,
And I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS? .
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?”

10.. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11.. My mother taught me about WEATHER..
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12.. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times.
Don’t exaggerate!”

13.. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”

14. My mother taught me about?
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION? .
“Stop acting like your father!”

15.. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in?
This world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17.. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it from your father
When you get home!”

18.. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes,
They are going to get stuck that way.”

19.. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know
When you are cold?”

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
Don’t come running to me.”

21.. My mother taught me
HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT? .
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22.. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father..”

23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you.
Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24.. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

25.. My father taught me about JUSTICE? .
“One day you’ll have kids,
And I hope they turn out just like you !”

This was only sent to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these “EXACT” words by our parents.

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Brian Williams Reporting

Written by chuck on February 11, 2015 – 6:23 pm -

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auburn

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Why women hate sports

Written by chuck on February 11, 2015 – 10:45 am -

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Just a few more jokes

Written by chuck on February 10, 2015 – 9:45 am -

she met him on the internet

Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.

As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?”

Dr. Drobkin replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away.”

“Why haven’t you visited?” asked the desk clerk.

“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”

The clerk consoled him, “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”

Dr. Drobkin replied, “Son, I doubt that’s the case with my embarrassment.”

“Was it a long time ago?”

“Yes, many years.”

The clerk asked, “Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?”

agent-typing

A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the hostess, “My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale.”

And the hostess said, “I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the great bargains.”

The lady said, “Normally, yes. But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital.

agent-typing

Woman Stops Fierce Gator Attack With 25 Caliber Beretta Pistol

“While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open.  The gator must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

“If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire 25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took.  The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  It’s one of the best pistols in my collection.  Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was worth the purchase price of the gun!”

agent-typing

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

“How long will this take?” I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped.

“Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says: “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.


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Do you have stress in your life?

Written by chuck on February 8, 2015 – 11:00 am -

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click here

Short “G” rated funny video!

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