Just a few more clean funny jokes

Written by chuck on March 30, 2015 – 2:58 pm -

At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.

Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper.

Results of a Survey of Women Regarding Size

Car Sex

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never make a child say a pray

At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.

“But I don’t know how to pray,” he replied.

“Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.,” said his father.

“Okay”, the boy said,”.

“Dear Lord,… Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.

Bless them so they won’t come again.

Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy’s Blackberry.

And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom’s room when Daddy is at work.  AMEN”
Dinner was canceled.


the_focused_reader_02

Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper.

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ”The Villages” Florida newspaper.

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
—————————————————-
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
—————————————————-
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
—————————————————-
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
—————————————————-
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
—————————————————-
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let’s put our two heads together.
—————————————————-
My favorite ad

MINT CONDITION  :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.


the_focused_reader_02

Results of a Survey of Women Regarding Size

2 inches – I can’t even hold it.

3 inches – Never been so unsatisfied

4 inches – I’ve had bigger than it…

5 inches – Good, but I wish a bit bigger!

6 inches – perfect.

7 inches – Love it.

8 inches – Wow! but can’t have it all.

9 inches – Painful but manageable.

10 inches – Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was actually a Customer’s Feedback on different sizes of Firehouse Sandwiches!

By the way what were you thinking? This is why I worry about you!


the_focused_reader_02

Car sex…thru a long lens…
This photographer must have used a very powerful lens to be
able to photograph this scene.
Check out the pictures – one by one.

car-sexl006

car-sexl007

car-sexl008

car-sexl009

car-sexl010

What did you expect to see ??
Yup, you’re as sick & twisted as me!
I was straining my eyeballs to try &
see through the back window too!


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Just a few more clean funny jokes

Written by chuck on March 28, 2015 – 5:27 pm -

gang turf war

Four friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion…..

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons
became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best
friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline and became so rich, he gave his
best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he
built his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her
about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

” Oh no !! ” said the Lady, he is doing good.

” Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends…”
.
All three Ladies fainted


the_focused_reader_02

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband:

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky
push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him,
“Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a
crumpled Fifty Do llar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

He said “No!” trying to hide his arousal.

She said … “Check the garage.”


the_focused_reader_02

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

“Hello, is that you, Sarge?”

“Yes”

“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she’d just mopped clean.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“No sir . . . the floor’s still wet.”


the_focused_reader_02

A Young Doctor….

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.  At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.  Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman?How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”  You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?  Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.  That was what probably was making her sick.”

The  younger doctor said, “Pretty clever!  If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.  She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that   helps.”

As  they left, the older doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?”

“I  did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the  bed.


the_focused_reader_02

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife being a very reasonable woman responded; “go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and I will make sure that you will once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!

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The difference between “Complete” or “Finished” and then a few jokes

Written by chuck on March 24, 2015 – 3:29 pm -


83965040

“Complete” or “Finished”

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between “complete” and “finished.” However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, Samsundar Balgob in, a Guyanese linguist, was asked to make that very distinction. The question by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Answer:

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.'”

:? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :?

A guy texts his neighbor:
 
Dear Ryan: I’m sorry.  I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.?

I have been helping myself to your WIFE when you’re not around, probably more than you.?

I know it’s no excuse, but I don’t get it at home.?

I can’t live with the guilt any longer.?

I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology.  It won’t happen again.

 The neighbor, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text:

Damn, I really should use spell check!  That should be “WIFI”… Sorry ’bout that!

Clarke…….

:? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :?

My Mommy, The Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up — teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother,

He replied, “Well my mother’s an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, “Is that really true about your mother, dear?”

Nope,” the boy said, “She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be the next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”

:? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :?

Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

“Honey,” she said, “You received a very strange postcard today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turn white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send Extra Sauce!!


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Just a few more clean jokes

Written by chuck on March 20, 2015 – 7:27 am -

Visit to Gynecologist

There is not a woman alive today that won’t crack up over this one! I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in “that area” to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal…some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?” I told her to get another one from the cupboard She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it.”


see you

After  being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: Let me see if I’ve got this right.

You want me  to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits,  censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

You want me  to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair  play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.

You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their  handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

You want me to do all this, and then you tell me……? I can’t pray?


see you

A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area, so he went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

“Hmm…” mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

“Aha!” said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side… then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. 

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, “How does that feel now?” The midget replied, “Perfect Doc, and I didnt feel a thing. What did you do?”

The doctor replied “I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.”


see you

The Collar
————————-

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, ” I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”

The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar.”


see you

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:
1) It is the perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

  And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two cute containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
  *He got an A.*

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NO NURSING HOME FOR ME!

Written by chuck on March 19, 2015 – 9:26 am -


see you

holiday inn

Want to see Auckland?  They have Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.  If not, they’ll call an ambulance. . .or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, ACC will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

                       
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.?
  The grand-kids can use the pool.

What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I’ll face it with a grin.

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Why nobody retires to Boston

Written by chuck on March 17, 2015 – 8:30 am -

Blog reader writes:

I happen to know that a number of those pictures are from Buffalo NY. If any of them are from Boston, it is possible that it would be Boston NY, which is south of Buffalo. The second-to-last one is clearly near Buffalo, as it has signs showing 219 and 90 west to Erie PA.

Eric R. Derby

Why nobody retires to Boston008

Why nobody retires to Boston007

Why nobody retires to Boston006

Why nobody retires to Boston005

Why nobody retires to Boston004

Why nobody retires to Boston003

Why nobody retires to Boston002

Why nobody retires to Boston001

Why nobody retires to Boston015

Why nobody retires to Boston014

Why nobody retires to Boston013

Why nobody retires to Boston012

Why nobody retires to Boston011

Why nobody retires to Boston010

Why nobody retires to Boston009

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Alligator attack and then a few funny jokes

Written by chuck on March 15, 2015 – 9:22 am -

life is not a fairy tale

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol   

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial…. Here is her story in her own words:

“While out walking along the edge of a bayou just outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took…. ?

The ‘gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It’s one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.”


120105~3

        ENJOY – A Blonde’s  Year in Review

        January
        Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

       
        February
        Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..
        Helllloooo!!!…….bottles won’t fit in printer!!!

       
        March
        Got  really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..
        Box said ‘ 2-4 years!’

       
        April
        Trapped on escalator for hours …
        Power went out!!!

       
        May
        Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….
        8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

       
        June
        Tried to go water skiing…….
        Couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

       
        July
        Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..
        Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

       
        August
        Got locked out of my car in rain storm…..
        Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

       
        September  
        The capital of California is ‘C’…..isn’t it?

       
        October
        Hate M & M’s…..They are so hard to peel.

       
        November  
        Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days  …
        Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

       
        December

 
        Couldn’t call 911.
        ‘Duh’…..there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!


120105~3

        THE  BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR – SO  FAR?

     
        A  man was in his front yard mowing grass when his  attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
       
        She opened it then slammed it shut and Stormed back in the house.  
   
        A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
       
        As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
 
        Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ‘Is something wrong?’
 
        To which she replied,  ‘There certainly is!’
        (Are you ready? This is a beauty…)
     
        ‘My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT  MAIL!’


120105~3

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “what brings you in today?”. I looked at her, and said, I’m interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn’t quite? know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?


120105~3

Bran Muffins

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. ‘What are the greens fees?’ grumbled the old man.

‘This is heaven ,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man, ‘this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked..

‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied, ‘you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your darn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!’


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Facts about Chelsea Clinton and then a few jokes

Written by chuck on March 12, 2015 – 7:42 am -

chelsea clinton

Japanese Sex Story

Phyllis Diller

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

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DON’T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY …..NO ONE MAKES IT OUT ALIVE ANYWAY…..

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband: “Sukitaki. mojitaka!”
Wife replies: “Kowanini! mowi janakpa!”
Husband says angrily: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
Wife on her knees literally begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”
Husband shouts angrily: “Na miaou kina Tim kouji!”

I Can’t believe you just sat there trying to read this – you don’t know Japanese.
You’ll read anything as long as it’s about sex…. you need serious help!!!
Sometimes I worry about you.

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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling
the walk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football
is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, it’s a sure
sign a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them how
to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut
up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties . . .
is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing . . .
was the day I accidentally poured gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice – they look just like me.
-Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back:
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
“Computer really messed up now.”

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Please help support my blog. Please order from amazon from my link. It cost you nothing but I received a few cents on every order. Thanks.


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Posted in Fun Stuff | Comments Off on Facts about Chelsea Clinton and then a few jokes

Just a few more funny jokes

Written by chuck on March 8, 2015 – 11:43 am -


Gee……I wonder who this guy is talking to?

wife-ass

Could he be talking to Barack?


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flowchart


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party-shop

SEX at 79:
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing? me that I can have sex at 79.
I’m so happy, because I live at number 69.? So, it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.? And it’s the same side of the street.? I don’t even have to cross the road!
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Answering machine message,? “I am not available right now,? but thank you for caring enough to call.? I am making some changes in my life.? Please, leave a message after the beep.? If I do not return your call,? you are one of the changes.”
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Aspire to inspire before you expire.
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My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
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Blessed are those who can give without remembering? and take without forgetting.
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The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know? your way around, you’re not going anywhere.
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God made man before woman so as to give him time? to think of an answer for her first question.
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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
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The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: “With hurricanes, tornadoes  fires out of control,mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist? attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”


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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks,
“What are you doing?

She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I’m doing for YOU for FREE!”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year.”


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In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2.. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..

Now, 80 years later do you know what ultimately became of them?

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.

Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison? to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of? the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide

However,

in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work.

Play golf.


Posted in Fun Stuff | Comments Off on Just a few more funny jokes

More Funny Jokes

Written by chuck on March 6, 2015 – 3:26 pm -

wins all of the money

A young woman goes to church and confesses her sins to the priest.

“Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,” she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, “Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.”

“Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?”

“No,” the priest says, “but it’ll wipe that smile off your face!”

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A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

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Husband’s Text Message to wife:

Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.

Paula brought me to the Hospital.

Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.

Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting
effects.  Wound required 19 stitches.  I have three broken
ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg.
Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.

Love you.

Wife’s Response:

Who is Paula

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80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight.”
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks, and says, “Close enough.”

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Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’ s office.

When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…” “I know, I know.”

The doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder,

“I get asked all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

“No, that’s not what he wanted me to ask. Not it at all,” Brenda confessed.

“He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn and caddie on my days off.”

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Please help support my blog. Please order from amazon from my link. It cost you nothing but I received a few cents on every order. Thanks.


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Posted in Fun Stuff | Comments Off on More Funny Jokes