Just a few jokes 5/25/2017

Written by chuck on May 25, 2017 – 1:56 pm -

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Thanks
Chuck

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?”
And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked sarcastically, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then YOU can ask him.”

What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona . They
turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10
cents.”They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too
good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?”

There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In
no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred
and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again
saying,”That’s 40 cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime apiece?”

“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix ,” the bartender says, “and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125
million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine,
liquor, beer it’s all the same.”

“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks
the Bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re retired people from Florida.

They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price…”


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Just a few jokes 5/24/2017

Written by chuck on May 24, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

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Chuck

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits.
Albert Einstein

Aging Gracefully

1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

2. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

3. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

4. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

5. I don’t need anger management. I just need people to stop irritating me!

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now, as a grown up, it feels like a mini vacation.

7. My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.

8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

9. The kids text me “plz”which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”

10. I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week.

11. Even duct tape can’t fix stupid .. but it can muffle the sound!

12. Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

13. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

The following was found posted VERY LOW on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for years – canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don’t.

(2) If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,

(2) don’t ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don’t smoke or drink,

(7) don’t want to wear your clothes,

(8) don’t have to buy the latest fashions,

(9) don’t need a gazillion dollars for college.

Bumper Stickers

Jesus loves you…but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence…Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings,”

Everyone has a photographic memory …some just don’t have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life…but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys…just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.

If you can read this…I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander…It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you’d Like To See!!

Welcome to America …now speak English


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Just a few jokes 5/23/2017

Written by chuck on May 22, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Wifey asks “Do you wanna have sex or watch Top Chef?”… Apparently “Well, what are they cooking?” was the wrong answer…


Several of the Mensa members went out for lunchtime at a local cafe.

When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly — this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up
with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker……………. ”

But before they could finish,……….

The waitress interrupted. “Oh — sorry about that.” She leaned over the
table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Reminds me of government. Solutions would be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Washington and Ottawa have to make the situation difficult.


We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Baseman Bay in Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don’t have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night – early birds.

Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!
Remember to send this to all your “retarded grandparent” friends and give them a laugh too!


The Fence Test
You can’t get any more accurate than this!
This is straight forward country thinking.
by Jeff Foxworthy

Which side of the fence?
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Republican doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Democrat doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
============================= ==
If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone
============================== =
If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
============================== =
If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a Democrat is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.
============================= ==
If a Republican doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
A Democrat demands that those they don’t like be shut down.
============================= ==
If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
============================== =
If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a Republican is unhappy with an election, he grumbles and goes to work the next day.
If a Democrat is unhappy with an election, he burns down a Starbucks, throws rocks at cops and takes two-weeks off for therapy.
============================= ==
If a Republican reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Democrat will delete it because he’s “offended.”



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Warning For Woman Who Pump Their Own Gas

Warning For Woman Who Pump Their Own Gas


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Just a few jokes 5/22/2017

Written by chuck on May 21, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I’m a responsible person…People are always saying “I know you’re responsible for this!”

Pregnant on the Bus

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat….
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself:
The man replied,

‘Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
‘ Logan ‘s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

And sat under a sign that said,

‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’
.. I just lost it.’
‘CASE DISMISSED!!’


There is nothing more annoying
than two people talking
while you’re trying to interrupt.

1. *AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Pl…ease come out and give yourself up.’

3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. *THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. *DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot’, the man shouted, ‘that’s not what I said!’

6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart’. ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked.
‘No!’ the man shouted, ‘This is her husband!’

7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo…!!!)

8. *THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
*Now remember these are all true stories and these people vote and most have children!*

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for …each other. Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman” he says, “But if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

More Dip, Please!

When you've got a craving for queso…

Posted by Waggle on Wednesday, May 17, 2017


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Just a few jokes 5/18/2017

Written by chuck on May 17, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

That Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied…”Divorce attorney.”

There was a power outage at
a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on
the escalators for two hours.

A joke shamelessly stolen from a friend:
A Saudi, a Venezuelan, a North Korean and a native New Yorker are walking down the street past the UN.
A reporter comes up to them and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”

The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Venezuelan says, “What’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker says, “What the f**k is ‘excuse me’?!”

Ma Bell Phone Ring

Three old guys
are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

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Just a few jokes 5/17/2017

Written by chuck on May 16, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Dear Dear Husband Brad Walls let me tell you about my morning!!!!

***(Friends y’all might want to read this too if you think you’ve had a bad morning so far)***

If the neighbor calls telling you that a homeless woman was sifting through your garbage whilst you were at work, no worries it was just me.
I woke straight out of a beautiful deep sleep  which I hadn’t seen in months, realizing the garbage hadn’t been taken to the curb. (Family of 6 and only 1 trash day a week, nope cannot miss trash day)

So I ran out the door in my big ole’ over sized holey bleach stained t-shirt, no bra and barefoot. As I was dragging  what could have only been around 700 pounds of waste across our yard, I noticed something quite warm and squishy between my toes! I bowed my head praying it wasn’t the new present that our 200 pound Great Dane just left in the yard.

That’s when things took a turn for the worse. When I bent down to see that it indeed was not a big ole pile of dog that I had stepped in, but a special little half eaten warm gooey  friend (a special present from our wonderful cat Cookie). While screaming and trying to fling the half eaten  off my foot and to no avail, (yeah 3 people had driven by at this time, and one honked  I had to dig in our trash for something to scoop the little critter off my foot with. Finally, I get what I can off my foot and my contact  goes all wonkey. It’s burning my eye but I can’t touch it, can I? I’ve got garbage and possibly  guts on my .

So I stumble back through the yard, one eye open, one eye closed, it’s really burning now. So I take the inside of my elbow and wipe it across my eye, the burning stops (such a relief) but now I can’t see a thing. Then I realize that I lost a contact, but why can’t I see? I still have in one good contact??? So by now I’m panicking, I must have gotten the  guts in my eye and got some mysterious  illness (because this is me where’re talking about here) and now I am going blind. So

I am now walking through the yard, arms flailing, like a blind man with my arms stuck out in front of me , trying not to run into anything when…. I feel ANOTHER warm gooey feeling in between my toes. This time I’m praying it’s the other half of that . I look down, but I see nothing, yeah because I’m BLIND remember… so now I’m dragging my foot through the yard like a freaking , one eye closed, arms out in front of me, in my big ole’ oversized holey bleached t-shirt and no bra, barefoot with half of a dead  guts on one foot and god only knows what else on the other… I FINALLY make it back to my porch. I sit down and open BOTH eyes (it’s apparently safe to do so now) just to realize I had the wrong freaking eye closed the ENTIRE time!!! My one good eye.. yeah it was closed the ENTIRE TIME.

So now I am laughing historically like a crazy person, sitting on the edge of my porch in my big ole’ oversized holey bleached t-shirt, no bra, no shoes, blind in one eye, with half of a dead  on one foot, and DOG  from our 200 pound Great Dane on the other, wondering how I am going to get back inside to clean myself up? I can no longer hop on one foot as I had originally planned before stepping in surprise numero 2, that plans out. So what did I do? Y’all ready??? I had to get down on all 4s y’all , in my big ole’ oversized holey bleached t-shirt, no bra, no shoes, blind in one eye, with half of a dead  on one foot, and dog  from our 200 pound Great Dane on the other and crawl my happy butt back across my porch, through my front door, across my living room floor, into my kitchen, down the hallway, into my bedroom and FINALLY into my bathroom where I could shower!!!

Oh you think this is where it ends?  Yeah well guess what. AFTER I meticulously get undressed not to smear the poo and guts on anything else, I realize I have NO FREAKING towel. It’s ALL THE WAY back in the LIVINGROOM where I left it because I wanted a couple extra hours of beauty sleep this morning , instead of folding the dang laundry like I should have (don’t act like I’m the only one)!!!! So back on all fours I go, I have no dignity left at this point right? WRONG!!!!!

THIS TIME, NO BIG OLE’ OVERSIZED HOLEY BLEACHED T-SHIRT, BAREFOOTED AND BLIND WITH  GUTS ON ONE FOOT AND DOG  FROM OUR 200 POUND GREAT DANE ON THE OTHER…. BUT….. BUTT @@@@@@@@@@ NAKED, BLIND WITH  GUTS ON ONE FOOT AND DOG  FROM OUR 200 POUND GREAT DANE ON THE OTHER!!!

So if you think you’ve had a bad morning.. don’t worry SWEETIE there’s a good chance mine has been SLIGHTLY worse.

Sincerely,

Your very forgiving wife who now needs a foot massage and a pedicure.

What do you get when an earthquake strikes a cow pasture?
A milkshake.



IT IS BEST TO WHISPER !!

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: “Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied, in a loud voice,
“NO, I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was
deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man’s table
and said with a laugh: “I study psychology, and I know what a man is
thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?”

The man responded in a loud voice: “$800 FOR ONE NIGHT? ….. I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: “I study law, and I know how to screw people”.




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Just a few jokes 5/16/2017

Written by chuck on May 15, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

The bank called me due to some suspicious activity on my debit card. I couldn’t believe I bought a gym membership either…..

a href=”http://www.ourlighterside.com/2016/10/30/just-jokes-10312016/wash-pan-2/” rel=”attachment wp-att-33565″>

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 A.M. Wake up.”


<

It’s Saturday. Be careful out there!
SAD STORY ….. MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE..

A foursome of men waiting at the men’s tee while a four some of ladies were hitting from the ladies’ tee.

The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet.

Then she went over and missed it completely.

Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, “I guess all those f’ing lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately responded, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43…….

Best you male golfers watch what you say on the course


Speedy Alka Seltzer, well known ’50’s spokesman for antiacids, committed suicide today by jumping into a bathtub full of warm water. He left a note, reading in part, “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz; oh what a relief it is.”

BIOLOGY EXAM Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s  Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It  is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A


a href=”http://www.ourlighterside.com/2016/12/14/just-jokes-12152016/eyes-popping-out-5/” rel=”attachment wp-att-34093″><

Pepermint ulje, "smrt krpeljima" !!

Posted by Vjeko Zahej on Thursday, April 27, 2017


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Just a few jokes 5/15/2017

Written by chuck on May 14, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Wifey bought a brand new toilet brush a few weeks ago but it hasn’t been working too well… I may go back to using paper.

“Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road.  My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.”
– Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 A.M. Wake up.”



It’s Saturday. Be careful out there!
SAD STORY ….. MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE..

A foursome of men waiting at the men’s tee while a four some of ladies were hitting from the ladies’ tee.

The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet.

Then she went over and missed it completely.

Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, “I guess all those f’ing lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately responded, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43…….

Best you male golfers watch what you say on the course


Speedy Alka Seltzer, well known ’50’s spokesman for antiacids, committed suicide today by jumping into a bathtub full of warm water. He left a note, reading in part, “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz; oh what a relief it is.”

BIOLOGY EXAM Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s  Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It  is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it. He got an A



Pepermint ulje, "smrt krpeljima" !!

Posted by Vjeko Zahej on Thursday, April 27, 2017


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Chuck


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Feb 9th 1964 What were you doing that Night

Written by chuck on May 12, 2017 – 6:49 am -

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Just a few jokes 5/10/2017

Written by chuck on May 9, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Today’s word: VEGETARIAN:
An old American Indian word that translates into “POOR HUNTER”

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. 

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. 

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. 

Behind her were 200 women walking single file. 

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. 

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad  time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?” 

The woman replied, “Well, the first hearse is for my husband, my pit bull attacked and killed him. The second is my mother-in-law, she tried to stop the attack, and the pit bull killed her also.” 

A poignant and thoughtful moment pass between the two women. 

“Can I borrow the dog?” 

“Get in line.”



I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down,
I’ll remember it.”

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change things I can and the friends to post my bail when I
finally snap.

I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs
work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I actually came in there for.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.


Texas Sheriff’s Exam…
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.
He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,
six ambulance-chasing lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.

“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”



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