Just a few jokes 1/20/2017

Written by chuck on January 19, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A MAN WHO JUST DIED IS DELIVERED TO A LOCAL MORTUARY WEARING AN EXPENSIVE, EXPERTLY TAILORED BLACK SUIT.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out
that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants
him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what… it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous
blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very
grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with her blank check back.

How much did you spend?’
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked
his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

***************************************
Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.
So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence …

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in …

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

‘Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.’

***************************************

THE TOILET SEAT
If this doesn’t get a laugh out of you, nothing will !

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)

Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”

The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed.”

***************************************

OMG!!! YOU WILL NOT believe what just happened!! I’m at the Flying J getting my coffee just now when I walked up and notice two police officers looking at this young lady who was smoking while pumping her gas. I was like, This chick is TRIPPIN! I went in, got my coffee and as I was checking out I hear somebody screaming. I look outside and the girls arm was on fire!!

She was waving her arm around and just going crazy. The police threw her to the ground and were putting th…e fire out with an extinguisher. When I walked out, the officers had handcuffs on her and were about to put her in the back of the car and I was like, “What the?!” So being the concerned one , I asked the officers what they were arresting her for, figuring that her arm on fire was enough punishment. He looked me dead in the eye and said, …….

“For waving a Firearm.”

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Just a few jokes 1/18/2017

Written by chuck on January 17, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

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Genital implant coming for males and females.


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Just a few jokes 1/17/2017

Written by chuck on January 16, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top….

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,” said the older man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there.”

“And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man…

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price….”

“See you later, Dad, Happy Father’s day.”



Heart Warming Lawyer Story

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the
roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass ?”…
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

They are over there eating grass under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
“But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

“Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied,

“Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

Come on did you really think there was such

a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?


Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?”
She replied… “I’d give food and houses …to all the homeless people.” Her parents beamed with pride!
“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I said…”But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that!”
“What do you mean?” she replied.
So I told her, “You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I’ll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out,
and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
Her parents aren’t speaking to me anymore.


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Upset Elephant


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Compare US War Ships

Written by chuck on January 16, 2017 – 7:09 pm -

When the Bridge pipes ‘Man the Rail’ there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Size

1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet

Capacity

1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 18,150 meals served daily
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton ‘for his foresight in military budget cuts’ and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft, although it cannot be launched on the 100-foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order, all firearms are banned on board. This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs. An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and, though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere. In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada.

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Just a few jokes 1/16/2017

Written by chuck on January 15, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

My New Year’s Resolution was going to be to quit all my bad habits, but then it occurred to me that no one likes a quitter.

Well, it is not a pretty story…. about 200 dead crows near Boston, and there was concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone’s relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The city then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a “look-out crow” in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck.”

Before You Put Your Camel to Bed

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster, speaking in Ontario, says: “I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto . I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, The Turban Cowboy, and the other, a topless bar, would be called You Mecca Me Hot.

“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called Iraq of Ribs.

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret, with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and on the other side a liquor store called Morehammered.

“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.

Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point, it is either past your bedtime, or it’s midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed..



A guy was coming home from work in the city, driving country roads to get home.

He looks in his rear view mirror and sees an ambulance. He pulls over and as the ambulance passes, and sees the the back door is open a little. The ambulance goes over a bump and out falls an ice chest.

The guy rushes over to the ice chest and opens it up. Inside is a human toe in the ice. He sees he can’t catch the ambulance so he gets in his car and rushes to the nearest gas station to call 911. They tell him they will send a car right away but that all of their police cars are in use so they would send a truck that they used and to just wait 20 minutes.

So he waits 20 minutes until the toe truck shows up.



A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them.

This happened several times.

When he would do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it’s level of unruliness
.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.



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Just a few jokes 1/13/2017

Written by chuck on January 13, 2017 – 3:31 pm -

My New Year’s Resolution was going to be to quit all my bad habits, but then it occurred to me that no one likes a quitter.

Well, it is not a pretty story…. about 200 dead crows near Boston, and there was concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone’s relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The city then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a “look-out crow” in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck.”

Before You Put Your Camel to Bed

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster, speaking in Ontario, says: “I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto . I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, The Turban Cowboy, and the other, a topless bar, would be called You Mecca Me Hot.

“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called Iraq of Ribs.

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret, with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and on the other side a liquor store called Morehammered.

“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.

Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point, it is either past your bedtime, or it’s midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed..


A guy was coming home from work in the city, driving country roads to get home.

He looks in his rear view mirror and sees an ambulance. He pulls over and as the ambulance passes, and sees the the back door is open a little. The ambulance goes over a bump and out falls an ice chest.

The guy rushes over to the ice chest and opens it up. Inside is a human toe in the ice. He sees he can’t catch the ambulance so he gets in his car and rushes to the nearest gas station to call 911. They tell him they will send a car right away but that all of their police cars are in use so they would send a truck that they used and to just wait 20 minutes.

So he waits 20 minutes until the toe truck shows up.


<

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them.

This happened several times.

When he would do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it’s level of unruliness
.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

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Chuck


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Funny Cartoons

Written by chuck on January 12, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Just a few jokes 1/11/2017

Written by chuck on January 10, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

 There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
 1. He called everyone brother.
 2. He liked Gospel.
 3. He didn’t get a fair trial.
  
 But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
 1. He went into His Father’s business.
 2. He lived at home until he was 33.
 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
  
 But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
  
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
  
 But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
  
 But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
  
 But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
 1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food.
 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
 3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I don’t know
how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age;
we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big gator, “what have you been eating?”
“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small gator.

“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”

“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?”

“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to
unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat’ them!”

“Same here.” says the big gator. “Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?”

“I eat the Democrats” says the little guy.

“Ah!” says the big gator. “I think I see your problem.
You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you
finish shaking the crap out of a Democrat, there’s nothing left but an
asshole and a briefcase.”

The “F” Word

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only ten times in history where the”F” word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

10. “What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?”

— Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. “What the @#$% was that?”

— Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?”

— Custer, 1877

7. “Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that.”

— Einstein, 1938

6. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!”

— Picasso, 1926

5. “How the @#$%
did you work that out?”

— Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. “You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?”

— Michelangelo, 1566

3. “Where the @#$% are we?”

— Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!”

— Noah, 4314 BC

1. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?”

— Bill Clinton, 1998



Have fun with this reaction test to stopping a car. They will predict your age based on how quickly you stop.

Bet you try it more than once! Have fun.

Reaction Time Test

This simulates you in the driver’s seat of a car. You’re driving down a road, when you see a big red hand flash in front of you. You have to put on the brakes. Then, the Reaction Time Test tells you how old you are, when it comes to driving.

The test is based on reaction times of 2,000 people ages 18 and over. The Reaction Time Test plotted their reaction times by age; it matches your reaction time to those averages.
Some of their results may surprise you. The Reaction Time Test found that left-handed people and men have slightly better reaction times than the average person

Click here to start your test




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Just a few jokes 1/10/2017

Written by chuck on January 9, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

There is some funny stuff here. Number 8 and 10 are hilarious.

Yes, it’s that magical time of year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the “least evolved” among us .

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And Now, The Honorable Mentions:

2. A chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed ?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family…. unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*****Remember*****
They walk among us; they can reproduce and vote Democrat.
Be on guard !!!!!!

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Just a few jokes 1/9/2017

Written by chuck on January 8, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one yo…u just went through.”

2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )

13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS…

16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

Sex Advice 101
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
“Do you enjoy it?” The doctor asked.
“Actually, yes, I do,” she answered.
“Does it hurt you?” he asked.
“No. I rather like it,” she responded.
“Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”
The woman was mystified.
“What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”
“Of course,” the doctor replied.
“Where do you think people like Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Barak Obama come from?”





I talked to a to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “No, no…. I was paroled.”

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Thanks,

Chuck


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