Just a few jokes 3/30/2017

Written by chuck on March 29, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

My bride asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Work so hard that one day your signature will be called a autograph.

I live in constant fear that

Trump will deport my latina mother-in-law

who lives at 1837 3rd st, LA, 90023

blue house.

She gets off work at 6



A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4/6:


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A collection of Budweiser commercials featuring the Clydesdales as the “Hero’s”.


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Just a few jokes 3/29/2017

Written by chuck on March 28, 2017 – 10:30 pm -



Now that I’m older, my memory is a mighty fortress. Nothing penetrates it.

Pretty sure that the guy that invented the drawing board didn’t get it right the first time. What do you think he fell back on?

What’s the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re 69– who cares?



A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, “Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven’t had a good meal in several days.” The owner says, “I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I’ve never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of pain…t and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal.”…
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner asks, “Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in.” The hobo says, “Thank you very much, sir. But there’s something that I think you should know. It’s not a Porsche you got there. It’s a BMW..”


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged, however, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he, reluctantly, let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’


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Terrorist Fail: Suicide Belt Detonates Prematurely


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Just a few jokes 3/28/2017

Written by chuck on March 27, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats…

A sure way to keep from cutting yourself when chopping vegetables is to have someone else hold them while you chop.

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?” The husband looks up from his drink, “I…t’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”
She can’t believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.”
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'”
“I remember that too,” she replied softly…
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”



I went to the drug store and told the clerk “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Lady Clerk: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said “Nah — She’s pretty good lookin’ . . . . . .



The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

She answered

(Continue below – This is great)

‘THE TEETH.’



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What to Do: Car Sinking in Water, Only Seconds to React


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Just a few jokes 3/27/2017

Written by chuck on March 26, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Protip: Never pass gas while sitting on a wooden bench. Talk about amplification



Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
“Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“I am entering” said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
“Well, how did you do?”
” First Place ,” said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

“Contest for the strongest man in the world.”
“I’m entering,” says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
“How did you make out?”
” First Place ,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”
They continue walking when they see a sign:

“Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”
Pinocchio says “this is mine.”

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
“What happened?” they asked.

“Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?” asked Pinocchio


A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia. He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he ha…d sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way in hell I can pass that test.”


WOMEN ARE UNIQUE ….
Husband’s Message (by cellphone):
Honey, a car has hit me as I was coming out of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays
The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot….

Wife’s Response: Who is Paula?



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Just a few jokes 3/24/2017

Written by chuck on March 23, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Technical Work

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he is working
on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment.”

I was impressed…On further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water …….under his wife’s supervision.

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Jean to be the hosts, Jean wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, “No mushrooms.They are too high priced.”

He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushroom…s? There are plenty in the creek bed.”

She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”

He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.” So Jean decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Jean watched Ol’ Spot and the
wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Jean even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played checkers and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Jean’s ear. She said, “Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot is dead.”

Jean went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. The scene was not pretty. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room. About this time the lady’s helper came in and whispered to Jean, “You know, that fellow that run over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.”



One day three golfers were playing a round of golf. They were on the ninth hole near the highway getting ready to tee off. One of the golfers had his club in mid swing when he noticed a funeral procession coming up the highway. He lowered his club and took off his hat as he stood there reverently waiting for it to pass. The other two golfers fo…llowed suit and all three stood quietly until the last car was out of sight. The first golfer then made a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. “You know Jack?” One of the other golfers said. “That was really nice the way you waited for that funeral procession to pass.” Well I felt it was the least I could do.” Jack responded. “After all she did give me 30 of the best years of her life.”


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


After he buries his wife, on to the lake.

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BBC The REAL Housewives Of ISIS


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BBC The REAL Housewives Of ISIS


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Just a few jokes 3/23/2017

Written by chuck on March 22, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I hate when my wife accuses me of something I didn’t think she knew anything about.

I’m in big trouble. I stepped on a corn flake today and now I’m a cereal killer.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
Bloody hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m pissed off that you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

Dad’s reply:-

“Did you also notice they all f@#%# walked everywhere they went?!!”


Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”
“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.
“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.
“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”



Medicare Plan G

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for “Medicare Plan G”.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over yo…ur head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?



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Friends in safe places


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Just a few jokes 3/22/2017

Written by chuck on March 21, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

For some odd reason it seems like today I am not able to finish anyth

Fun fact, The worst thing about a neighborhood is neighbors.


A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his 3 sons.
When his sons opened up the Will it read:
My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;
My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;
My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses….
As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.
So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.
The farmer friend (Alabama Graduate) read the Will patiently, after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over & added it to the 17.
That increased the total to 18 horses.
Now, he divided the horses according to their father’s Will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.
Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son……..9
Middle son…….6
Youngest son…2
TOTAL IS…….17.
Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.
Problem Solved!



A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
“If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes? he asked.
“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
“Go and get help!” he cried.
“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”
“Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.”
Holding the shoe over her private parts, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…he’s in too far.”



Department of the Navy

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, “The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant , stood up in the crowd and inquired: “How much for a season pass?”


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Disorder in the Court


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Just a few jokes 3/21/2017

Written by chuck on March 20, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.

Fuhrnatooyuhr.
Stuff you sit on in the house in the south

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing TERRORISTS !!

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes..

Nice. Real nice,

DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?!!



I wish this was not a joke

Other benefits President Trump intends to discuss during this evening’s prime time address include: California will now be able to act as a sanctuary state within MexiCal, noting that there is much more room for the refugees who will find the climate in the state of California more desirable than the climate in US cities such as New York City, Detroit or Chicago.

The elimination of the existing border between Mexico and California will allow drugs to flow more freely between Mexico and all the many users in Hollywood. Drug tunnel diggers at the Tijuana border will now be able to use their skills to dig tunnels under Los Angeles to help ease congestion in that city and allow rioters to set fires and to move between the city’s universities more freely.

The U.S. taxpayer will no longer be on the hook for any future disaster relief required once the next megaquake hits California.

The space in the Capitol and other DC buildings vacated by representatives of California will be fumigated and turned into “time-out rooms” for the press as well as Liberty Centers where US citizens can meet with their congressmen to discuss the pursuit of economic freedom.

Nancy Pelosi released a statement stating that she looks forward to making the Mexican President’s life miserable and prefers the year round weather in Mexico City to that of DC. Her office has already announced a schedule of fund raising activities for what is believed to be an upcoming campaign to run for President of MexiCal.

Papers released along with Trump’s statement reveal that a newly incorporated real estate company, pmurT, Inc., which was intimately involved in the deal discussions, will receive a broker fee of $25 billion on the California sale. An anonymous pmurT, Inc. representative has revealed that the profits on the deal are HUGE and will be used to purchase, develop and convert all abandoned US Federal facilities in California into special high end retreats and resorts which will assist California residents with managing their euphoria and transition into the nanny state they have so long desired to be.

The exact northern border of the new MexiCal is still under negotiation. Apparently the White House is concerned that certain members of congress may be unwilling to give up California’s wine country and are suggesting that the northern boarder align with the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge.

California residents will be issued special blue cards to cross the border into the US so that the total number of California liberals entering the US can be tracked and at any point in time not exceed predetermined levels. Residents that remain in California after the effective date of the sale will not be allowed to seek refugee status in the US in the future.

Mexican President Nieto stated he is thrilled with the deal and is looking forward to declaring Spanish the national language for his newly acquired territory and opening SSL (Spanish as a second language) schools throughout California. He also noted that funding for the transaction would come from the Mexican drug cartels, which have agreed to provide low interest loans to Mexico so long as they are allowed to move their cash out of Switzerland and the Cayman Islands back into Mexico tax free. He also said he considers the fact that a Disney park will now be located within his country an added bonus.

White House representatives refused to confirm rumors that a similar deal was in the works for the sale to Canada of certain northern and northeastern states such as Illinois and others including New York, Massachusetts, Vermont, and Maine. When asked for comment on this possible sale, New York/ Arkansas/ or Washington D C resident and former losing presidential candidate Hillary Clinton replied, “At this point, what difference does it make anyway?”

President Trump wrapped up his statement stating, “this deal is HUGE and will help Make America, albeit a little smaller, Great Again”.



Sexual harassment

Every day, a  male employee walks up very close to a  female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales
 quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice                     

After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore. 
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
                      
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening
about a co-worker telling you your hair smell nice?                      
 
“It’s  Frank.  The midget”



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When leggings go wrong, it looks like this.


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Just a few jokes 3/20/2017

Written by chuck on March 19, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


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Just A Few Jokes 3/25/2017

Written by chuck on March 18, 2017 – 7:02 pm -


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