Just a few jokes 7/21/2017

Written by chuck on July 21, 2017 – 9:54 am -

After the eighty-three year old
lady finished her annual

physical
examination, the doctor said,
“You are in fine shape for your age,
Maxine, but tell me, do you
still have
intercourse?”
“Just a minute, I’ll have
to ask my husband,” she said.
She
stepped out into the crowded reception room and
yelled out loud:
“Henry, do we
still have intercourse?”
And
there was a
hush…You could hear
a pin drop.
He answered impatiently, “If I
told you once, Maxine, I told
you
a hundred times… What we have is…
>
>
>
>
>
Blue Cross!

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man of Your House.
Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the ‘Law.’ You will prepare Me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstai…rs with me and you will do as I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I decide to have you cremated.”

click here

Serious info. Please click here


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Just a few jokes 7/20/2017

Written by chuck on July 20, 2017 – 9:49 am -

QUESTION: Long ago, I married a widow who had an 18-year old daughter. Soon after, my father, a widower, fell in love with my stepdaughter. They married without my approval.

So my stepdaughter became my stepmother, & my father is my son-in-law. My father’s wife (also my stepdaughter) & my stepmother gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my stepdaughter’s mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. My wife became a grandmother …because she is the mother of my father’s wife, & I am also my wife’s grandchild. Soon my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father’s brother-in-law, the stepson of my father’s wife, and my uncle. My son is also my stepmother’s brother, & through my stepmother, my wife is a grandmother, & I am my own grandfather.

In light of the above, I need to know if my son, who is also my uncle, my father’s son-in-law, & my stepmother’s brother, fulfills the requirements to receive childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammed Abu Laden Habib

ANSWER: Of course you qualify Mohammed! We will begin mailing your checks upon your arrival here in California.

Yours faithfully, Jerry Brown Governor CA

Tip of the day:
Relationships of any kind are not 1 way streets.
When you decide to travel down a one way street
in the wrong direction, nothing good usually comes from it.

Deathbed Wishes:
Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his
deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to
record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”
“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100
and Tavernier.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon
Government Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
bayside on Blackwater Sound.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his
extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs.
Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have
accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “The asshole had a paper route.”


*****
****
**
*

Stole this funny story (to protect the innocent, No Attribution):

Subject: Petrol perks.

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10….
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, ‘You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.’

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, ‘Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.’

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, ‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex at all.’
Paddy replied, ‘No it’s genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.’

click here

Lexington, SC man horrified after booking a prostitute – and his own wife arrived


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Just a few jokes 7/18/2017

Written by chuck on July 17, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Balls INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And…

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.. Now, 80 years later do you know what ultimately became of them?

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4 The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral: Screw work. Play golf.

I was in my car driving along when my boss called and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ I swerved. He called a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again.’ I swerved again. He called a third time and said ‘You’re now the managing director.’ and I went into a tree. A policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ I said ‘I careered off the road.’

Adult Scrabble…
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body, which is even more useful when erect.
P N E S I
People who wrote SPINE became doctors…

Please click here Man belts out national anthem over intercom at Missouri Wal-Mart


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Just a few jokes 7/17/2017

Written by chuck on July 16, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Tonight’s “sage” advice .. (because everyone else does it)
Wisdom is not knowing enough to correct someone who is in error, it’s in knowing whether or not it would be a waste of breath to do so. Sometimes ya just gotta let things play out ..

1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would
be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

Timmy had always been a good student. Never absent, never tardy, so the teacher was concerned when one morning Timmy was absent from class. Finally at about 10, Timmy came to class.
“Timmy, is everything OK?” Asked the Teacher.
“I can explain” said Timmy.
“We have had a problem with a critter getting into the chicken house at night and killing them. When we would hear the ruckus from the chickens by the time we got there and opened the door the critter went out the chicken door and was gone. Well last night Pa decided he was going get it. He loaded his shotgun and had it by the door. Well just after midnight the chickens started, and Pa just pulled on his boots and grabbed the shotgun. He was only in his nightshirt and boots, no pants or underwear. This time he was going in through the chicken door, and pushing the shotgun in front he was crawling in on his hands and knees. Well our hound dog Blue wanted to see what was going on and came up behind Pa. well pa just felt a cold nose on the crack of his butt, and, well we’ve been cleaning chickens since 3am”.

Bulldog Bring Plastic Pool Inside

Bulldog VS pool. This little guy is determined!

Posted by Daily Picks and Flicks on Thursday, July 6, 2017


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Just a few jokes 7/14/2017

Written by chuck on July 13, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Please pray for my wife, she got stung on the forehead by a wasp.

She’s at the hospital now, her face all swollen and bruised, the doctors

said she could easily of died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the wasp

with my shovel before it had chance to sting her again!!..

Dear Mr. Murphy,

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the red area on your
penis shows it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.
***

“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.” – Tommy LaSorda , L A Dodgers manager

This is what you get for parking badly 🚗 😂tag your friends 😂😂credits: Daily Mail Video

Posted by GIF Mood on Monday, June 12, 2017


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Just a few jokes 7/13/2017

Written by chuck on July 12, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years”.

My past keeps me humble,
my present keeps me thankful
and my future keeps me focused

Good Lawyer

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie — we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right — the agent asked:

“How many children do you have?

He answered: “Twelve.”

The agent asked “Where are the others?”

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

MORAL: It’s not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words. and don’t forget, most politicians are lawyers.


The phase “I’ll be there if the creek don’t rise”
is not talking about a body of water it’s a phase
used in the 1700’s and the 1800’s referring to the
rise of the Creek Indians

Why it's hard to eat healthy in the South

The struggle is real, y'all. 😂

Posted by This is Alabama on Saturday, July 1, 2017


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Just a few jokes 7/12/2017

Written by chuck on July 11, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Political Science Class
Politics
I TOLD MY SON, “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE”
HE SAID, “NO.”
I TOLD HIM ” SHE IS BILL GATE’S DAUGHTER”
HE SAID, “YES.”
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON.”
BILL GATES SAID, “NO.”
I TOLD BILL GATES, “MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK.”
BILL GATES SAID, “OK.”
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, “NO.”
I TOLD HIM, “MY SON IS BILL GATES’S SON-IN-LAW.”
HE SAID, “OK.”
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ……smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 
”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s more than twice a week ! ………..You could learn a lot from him.’
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 
‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
‘My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 
‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’
I looked at her and said, 
‘Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.’
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Rodney Dangerfield: I tell you I get no respect…..When I was in High School, I called my girlfriend one night and she said in her most sexy voice….”Come on over to the house, there’s nobody home.” I went over there to see her and rang the doorbell, there was nobody home. And now, I still don’t get respect. I didn’t get a friend request from Jayden Smith!


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Just a few jokes 7/7/2017

Written by chuck on July 6, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Light travels faster than sound.
That’s why some people appear
bright until they speak.

Two guys are walking through a game park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.” He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”


The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” ?

Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’

The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite’

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said: ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.’


4th of July Zombies

These moronic Americans should be deported along with all the illegal aliens.

Posted by Mark Dice on Wednesday, July 5, 2017


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Just a few jokes 7/4/2017

Written by chuck on July 3, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

When you make a mistake, there are only three things you should ever do about it: admit it, learn from it, and do not repeat it.
–Paul “Bear” Bryant

By today’s standards, none of us were supposed to ever make it.

HIGH SCHOOL — 1957 compared to today 2016

Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2016 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students
and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2016 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled – even though Johnny
started it .

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2016 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because
Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2016 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers
being spanked herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock .
2016 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2016 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by a radical group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is
racist. ACLU files a class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from the basic curriculum. Pedro
is given his diploma anyway, but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2016 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings
are removed from their home. All computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee . He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2016 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
Henry fainted…

America the Beautiful | Happy Independence Day from Hillsdale …

Join us this Independence Day as we celebrate our freedom.

Posted by Hillsdale College on Thursday, June 30, 2016


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Just a few jokes 7/3/2017

Written by chuck on July 2, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I learn something new every day. I just read that photons have mass. I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits’ end trying to control them.

Hearing about a new priest in a nearby parrish who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would talk to the priest with the boys and he agreed.

The mother went to the priest and made her request, and the priest agreed,… but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
The priest sat the boy down across his huge desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “young man, where is God?”
The boy looked under the desk, looked in the corners of the room, all around, and said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”

Again, the boy looked around but said nothing.

A third time, in a firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk, put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, “Young Man, I ask you, where is God?”

The boy panicked and ran from the room and ran all the way home.

Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, “We’re in biiiiig trouble.

The older boy asked, “What do you mean, BIG trouble?”

His brother replied, “I’m telling you, we are in big trouble. God is missing and they think we did it.

HELP LINE FOR MEN
“Hello, my name is Bill. How can I help you?”

“Hi Bill, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.

She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep….

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, and then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

Warning: NSFW Dirty words! It is very funny and maybe very true.

Grandpa Rage

You know he swore about that for the next 30 miles…

Posted by Break on Tuesday, June 13, 2017


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