Just a few jokes 2/17/2017

Written by chuck on February 16, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Irish Divorce

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. ;
“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously. ;

“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home todayfrom my fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marr…iage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!” ;

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law.

“There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.” ;

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. ;
“Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation………….She never got your email!” ;

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage.

Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, “WHY?” The wife replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.

She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1.”



Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with… How did 2 sticks win out!?



The perfect breakfast…….as a man sees it…
He’s sitting at the table and his son is on the cover of Wheaties, his mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and his wife is on the back of the milk carton.

(Q) What’s the best form of birth control after 50?
(A) Nudity

(Q) What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
(A) 45 lbs

(Q) What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
(A) 45 minutes

(Q) What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?”
(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.

(Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
(A) A golden retriever.

(Q) Why did OJ Simpson move to W. Virginia?
(A) Everyone has the same DNA.

(Q) What’ s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
(A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

(Q) What’s the Cuban national anthem?
(A) Row, row, row your boat.

(Q) What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
(A) A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time”…..A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.


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Thanks,

Chuck


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Just a few jokes 2/16/2017

Written by chuck on February 15, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident.. 
 You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers
your inquiry.

Please share with your friends.

OK, I’m going to admit it. Its been bugging me for about 10 years now and I need to get it off my chest.
I let the dogs out!


Please share with your friends.

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack – selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, “Do you have water?

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment – I spit on your ties. I need water!

“Sorry, I have none – just ties – pure silk – and only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!”

“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need…Go In Peace!

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!


Please share with your friends.


Mexicans were asked what they thought of the proposed wall.

They replied, “We’ll get over it.”

click here

Students Protesting Trump’s Travel Ban


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Thanks,

Chuck


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Just a few jokes 2/15/2017

Written by chuck on February 14, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident.. 
 You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers
your inquiry.

OK, I’m going to admit it. Its been bugging me for about 10 years now and I need to get it off my chest.
I let the dogs out!



A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack – selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, “Do you have water?

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment – I spit on your ties. I need water!

“Sorry, I have none – just ties – pure silk – and only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!”

“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need…Go In Peace!

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!




Mexicans were asked what they thought of the proposed wall.

They replied, “We’ll get over it.”

click here

Students Protesting Trump’s Travel Ban


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Thanks,

Chuck


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Just a few jokes 2/14/2017

Written by chuck on February 13, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine’s Day she’s getting a magazine rack!

 

I’m going to buy my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine’s Day. We’ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time! 

 

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband… for example…
A wife comes home late at night early from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a broom and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
“Hi Darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?”

In 2020 the democrats are considering
nominating Al Franken for president and
Jill Stein as his running mate.
It will be the FrankenStein ticket.

A pilot gets home late

A pilot left home about 8:30 a.m. to do some work in his airport hanger with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife’s “What
time will you be home?” question with, “Probably about 1:30. I’ll have lunch at the airport.”

1:30 came &went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home. Finally, at about 7:00 .m., he rolls into the driveway, and presents his wife with a pizza, and
begins the apologetic story.

“I finished cleaning the plane about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her
car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested
that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there’s a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, and I could clean up there. I
agreed and we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a
good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel
next door having sex.

And that is why I am so late getting home.”

His wife looked him right in the eye and said “Don’t lie to me; YOU WENT

FLYING, DIDN’T YOU?”

 

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. ‘In fact,’ he pointed out, ‘some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.’

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, ‘Would you like to know what the painting is really about?’

‘Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?’ asked the couple.

‘Because I’m the guy who painted it,’ he replied.

‘In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.’


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Just a few jokes 2/13/2017

Written by chuck on February 12, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

While attending a Marriage Weekend Conference, a couple listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He then addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?” The husband leaned over, touched my wife gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?” And thus began his life of celibacy.

Chuck

I’m convinced that If you can’t believe it’s not butter, you have never tasted real butter or you have lost your taste buds.

Have you noticed that George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King and Christopher Columbus were all born on a holiday?

Everyone should learn to spell. That auto correct thing isn’t always write!

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?



Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back:
“Gently pour some luke warm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer”
Wife texts back ten minutes later:
“Computer really messed up now.”


Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?” The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!”



click here

Insane Tornado in New Orleans


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Chuck


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Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us!

Written by chuck on February 8, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled – (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.


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Just a few jokes 2/8/2017

Written by chuck on February 7, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Old Golfer Speaks out:

We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn’t play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Just sharing some thoughts meandering in what’s left of my mind.

1. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

2. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

3. My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon, and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

4. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out”?

5. Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

6. The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

7. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

8. I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named “Sag Harbor.”

9. I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

10. What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their noses?

11. Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

And I Saved The Best for Last!

*The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

This is absolutely great ! ! !
There might be hope yet!
A Pastor with GUTS!
Thought you might enjoy this interesting
prayer given in Kansas at
the opening session of their Senate. It seems
prayer still upsets some
people… When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open
the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is

what they heard:

Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and
guidance. We know Your Word says, ‘Woe to those who call evil good,’ but that is exactly what we
have done.

We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.

We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.

We have killed our unborn and called it choice.

We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.

We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem..

We have abused power and called it politics.

We have coveted our neighbor’s possessions and called it ambition.

We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.

We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free.
Amen!

The response was immediate. A number of
legislators walked out during the prayer in
protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian
Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than
5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls
responding negatively.. The church is now receiving
international requests for copies of this prayer
from India, Africa and Korea .

With the Lord’s help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called ‘one nation under God.’

If possible, please pass this prayer on to
your friends. “If you don’t stand for something,
you will fall for anything.”

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Girl Needs Stitches In Her Booty


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 2/7/2017

Written by chuck on February 6, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

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A joke combined with a little life lesson.


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 2/7/2017

Written by chuck on February 5, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I went ahead and broke all my New Year’s resolutions early so I could get on with enjoying the rest of the year.

“I don’t know (nor do I care) how many attended Trump’s inauguration.
But I can tell you exactly how many people attended Hillary’s inauguration …
and that’s the only number that matters”.


Ah .. for all the Football fans …

Philosophy and Wisdom (?) of Football

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football” – John Heisman

“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” – Bear Bryant / Alabama

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!”
– Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any.” – Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.” – Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Notre Dame

“When you win, nothing hurts.”
– Joe Namath / Alabama

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.”
– Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.”
– Woody Hayes / Ohio State

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation.
I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.”
– Bob Devaney / Nebraska

“In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.”
– Wally Butts / Georgia

“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.” – Alex Karras / Iowa

“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” – Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.”
– Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

“Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.”
– Shug Jordan / Auburn

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns,
why he didn’t recruit me .”
He said,”Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren’t any good.”
– Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.”
– Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport.”
– Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was,
“All those who need showers, take them.”
– John McKay / USC

“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”
– Murray Warmath / Minnesota

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.
To be a back, you only have to be dumb.”
– Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.”
– Darrell Royal / Texas

“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.”
– John McKay / USC

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.”
– Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State ‘s Urban Meyer on one of his players:
“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear.
In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday,
go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players
does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
They other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”



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Cops: Pair Had Sex While Kids Were In The Car


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 2/3/2017

Written by chuck on February 3, 2017 – 8:49 am -

I would lose weight, but I hate losing…

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My wife gets mad and I don’t even know water problem is!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF

My homie farted so bad, and I couldn’t brief .
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there’s not mushroom.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco, liver alone, cheese mine.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn’t wafer me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn’t know how to do it, I could tissue.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT
My old lady caught me in bed wit my lover so I said harassment nothing to me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn’t cashew!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP
We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey man, I’m looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him!


Careful how your name goes on cargo van

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If you think snakes on a plane are bad, imagine a snake in your …


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Thanks,

Chuck


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