Taking a break from the blog

Written by chuck on August 28, 2017 – 8:28 am -

I am taking a vacation from the blog. It may be a 30 year vacation! Not sure, but I would like to thanks everyone for reading and sending stuff to me.

Chuck


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Just a few jokes 8/24/2017

Written by chuck on August 23, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

It’s Great to live in the South

Florida
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’ ”
Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 8/23/2017

Written by chuck on August 22, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

“Black people who were never slaves
are fighting white people who were
never Nazis over a confederate statue
erected by Democrats because Democrats
can’t stand their own history anymore..
yet somehow it’s Trump’s fault.” — Jeff Laffite Jones

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said,’Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too.’
And then the fight started…
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
That’s how the fight started.




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Thanks,

Chuck


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Just a few jokes 8/21/2017

Written by chuck on August 20, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

My neighborhood barber
just got arrested for selling
drugs… I’ve been his customer
for 6 years and I had no idea he was a barber


Old age is having a choice of
two temptations and choosing
the one that will get you home earlier.

A man has reached old age when he
is cautioned to slow down by his
Doctor instead of by the police.


You’re getting old when
you don’t care where
your spouse goes, just as
long as you don’t have
to go along.

click here

Click here to see the eclipse from anywhere in the U.S.


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Thanks,

Chuck


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Just a few jokes 8/17/2017

Written by chuck on August 16, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

…yesterday is a cancelled check…tomorrow is a promissory note…today is the only cash you have, so spend it wisely…

My past keeps me humble, my present keeps me thankful and my future keeps me focused

Tip of the day:
Relationships of any kind are not 1 way streets. When you decide to travel down a one way street in the wrong direction, nothing good usually comes from it.

click here

US Textbooks Say Muslims Discovered America

US Textbooks Say Muslims Discovered America.

Posted by American Bikers United against Jihad – ABUAJ on Monday, July 24, 2017


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 8/16/2017

Written by chuck on August 15, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm.”

The king replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that… it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this date.

Thus, the democrat party…symbol was born!

A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and  says “I feel terrible.”

The doctor examines him and then says: “You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.  Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days.”

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 2 weeks later and says “I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me ?”



Slide Down the Banister of Life In 2017 —  Remember:
 
 
 
1..Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
It’s called…’Ministers do more than Lay People’

2..Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 
 
3..The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4..My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone. 
 
5..The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
 

6..I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 
 
7..It used to be only death and taxes.   Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

 
8..A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 
 
9..My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.

10.. Definition of a teenager?  God’s punishment…for enjoying sex.

 
Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you  feel… 
because those that matter..don’t mind…and those that mind… don’t matter!

click here

An Arkansas man is accused of having sex with a family’s pet donkey


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 8/15/2017

Written by chuck on August 14, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A woman of a certain age went into a bar in Arizona,  and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. 
 
He was wearing the biggest boots she’d ever seen.  She asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well…… ?? 
 
The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?”
 
Since the woman thought she might never get an offer like this again and further, since she was curious to find out for herself, she agreed to spend the night with the cowboy.
 
The next morning she handed him $200.
 
Blushing, he said, “Well, thank you, I’m really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my ‘services’ before!”
 
“Don’t be flattered,” she replied. “Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit!”



I’m constantly losing socks
in the dryer but finding change.
So logically there has to be a
sock fairy!

A gate at the White House was broken. The Maintenance Supervisor solicited bids from three contractors, one from Virginia, one from Georgia, and one from New York.
The Virginia Contractor examined the gate and wrote up his proposal for $1,500.00 quoting all brand name new parts.
The Georgia Contractor examined the gate and said it needed a simple repair and would cost $500.00.
The New York Contractor glanced at the gate and quoted a price of $3,500.00.
Why so much asked the maintenance supervisor.
Grinning the New York Contractor said:
$1,500 for me, $1,500 for you and we’ll hire the guy from Georgia.

And that boys and girls is how government contracts work.

click here

Posted by What Guys Like on Thursday, August 10, 2017

Missile Launcher


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 8/14/2017

Written by chuck on August 13, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Bikinis expose 90% of a woman’s body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that we only look at the 10% that is covered.

Most seniors never get enough exercise.
In His Wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His Wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a
sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Don’t ignore this message. This is your only warning.
A friend sent this to me — must have mistakenly assumed I was aging?

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
 
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
 
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
 
6. COUNTERFEITERS:  Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER:  A clumsy Ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

10. LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

12. PARADOX:  Two physicians

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

Below is NOT a joke

AN ENGINEER EXPLAINS “OBAMACARE” IN FOUR SENTENCES..

Is there a single soul who is surprised that an Engineer came up with this 10,535 pages reduced to 4 sentences?
A Great summary by a Notre Dame University engineer..

Here are the 10,535 pages of Obama Care condensed to 4 simple sentences. As humorous as it sounds…..every last word is absolutely
TRUE!
1. In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to un-insure the insured.
2. Next, we require the newly un-insured to be re-insured.
3. To re-insure the newly un-insured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured.
4. The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became un-insured, and then became re-insured, can pay enough extra so that the original un-insured can be insured, so it will be’free-of-charge’ to them.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is called “redistribution of wealth” or, by its more common name, “SOCIALISM,” or “PROGRESSIVISM ,” the politically correct names for COMMUNISM!

click here

7×13=28 PROOF

YES, 7×13=28 IS TRUE. HE PROVES IT HERE….LIKE Laughing Zonelol FOR MORE VIDEOS YOUTUBE:https://youtu.be/GXi9sdjD9J4

Posted by Laughing Zonelol on Monday, August 7, 2017


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 8/11/2017

Written by chuck on August 10, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?    

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER…
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?  Why don’t  they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe,  why do they call the airport the terminal?

Cop:
Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not.
Trust me, I’ve looked…

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

click here

Where have you been? I am fired?


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 8/10/2017

Written by chuck on August 9, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


A woman always gets the last word
in an argument, because anything a
man says after that becomes the
first words in a new argument…

Grandfather of the year…
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things.
The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long—easy, boy.” The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, son.”

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” says the grandpa, “but I am William. This little shits name is Kevin.”

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. “Son, where were you today?” The son says “at school dad.” Robot slaps the son! “Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!” “What dvd?” “Toy story.” Robot slaps the son again! “Ok, it was a porno” cries the son. Dad yells “What! When I was your age I didn’t know what porn was!” Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs “HaHaHa! He’s certainly YOUR son.” Robot then slaps the mom!!!


Feeling down today.
I needed a good laugh
so I looked at my
bank account.
Freaking hilarious

click here
The Moment A Jogger (Probably) Soiled Himself


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Chuck


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