Just a few jokes 3/23/2017

Written by chuck on March 22, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I hate when my wife accuses me of something I didn’t think she knew anything about.

I’m in big trouble. I stepped on a corn flake today and now I’m a cereal killer.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
Bloody hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m pissed off that you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

Dad’s reply:-

“Did you also notice they all f@#%# walked everywhere they went?!!”


Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”
“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.
“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.
“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”



Medicare Plan G

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for “Medicare Plan G”.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over yo…ur head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?



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Friends in safe places


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Just a few jokes 3/22/2017

Written by chuck on March 21, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

For some odd reason it seems like today I am not able to finish anyth

Fun fact, The worst thing about a neighborhood is neighbors.


A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his 3 sons.
When his sons opened up the Will it read:
My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;
My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;
My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses….
As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.
So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.
The farmer friend (Alabama Graduate) read the Will patiently, after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over & added it to the 17.
That increased the total to 18 horses.
Now, he divided the horses according to their father’s Will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.
Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son……..9
Middle son…….6
Youngest son…2
TOTAL IS…….17.
Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.
Problem Solved!



A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
“If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes? he asked.
“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
“Go and get help!” he cried.
“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”
“Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.”
Holding the shoe over her private parts, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…he’s in too far.”



Department of the Navy

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, “The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant , stood up in the crowd and inquired: “How much for a season pass?”


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Disorder in the Court


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Just a few jokes 3/21/2017

Written by chuck on March 20, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.

Fuhrnatooyuhr.
Stuff you sit on in the house in the south

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing TERRORISTS !!

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes..

Nice. Real nice,

DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?!!



I wish this was not a joke

Other benefits President Trump intends to discuss during this evening’s prime time address include: California will now be able to act as a sanctuary state within MexiCal, noting that there is much more room for the refugees who will find the climate in the state of California more desirable than the climate in US cities such as New York City, Detroit or Chicago.

The elimination of the existing border between Mexico and California will allow drugs to flow more freely between Mexico and all the many users in Hollywood. Drug tunnel diggers at the Tijuana border will now be able to use their skills to dig tunnels under Los Angeles to help ease congestion in that city and allow rioters to set fires and to move between the city’s universities more freely.

The U.S. taxpayer will no longer be on the hook for any future disaster relief required once the next megaquake hits California.

The space in the Capitol and other DC buildings vacated by representatives of California will be fumigated and turned into “time-out rooms” for the press as well as Liberty Centers where US citizens can meet with their congressmen to discuss the pursuit of economic freedom.

Nancy Pelosi released a statement stating that she looks forward to making the Mexican President’s life miserable and prefers the year round weather in Mexico City to that of DC. Her office has already announced a schedule of fund raising activities for what is believed to be an upcoming campaign to run for President of MexiCal.

Papers released along with Trump’s statement reveal that a newly incorporated real estate company, pmurT, Inc., which was intimately involved in the deal discussions, will receive a broker fee of $25 billion on the California sale. An anonymous pmurT, Inc. representative has revealed that the profits on the deal are HUGE and will be used to purchase, develop and convert all abandoned US Federal facilities in California into special high end retreats and resorts which will assist California residents with managing their euphoria and transition into the nanny state they have so long desired to be.

The exact northern border of the new MexiCal is still under negotiation. Apparently the White House is concerned that certain members of congress may be unwilling to give up California’s wine country and are suggesting that the northern boarder align with the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge.

California residents will be issued special blue cards to cross the border into the US so that the total number of California liberals entering the US can be tracked and at any point in time not exceed predetermined levels. Residents that remain in California after the effective date of the sale will not be allowed to seek refugee status in the US in the future.

Mexican President Nieto stated he is thrilled with the deal and is looking forward to declaring Spanish the national language for his newly acquired territory and opening SSL (Spanish as a second language) schools throughout California. He also noted that funding for the transaction would come from the Mexican drug cartels, which have agreed to provide low interest loans to Mexico so long as they are allowed to move their cash out of Switzerland and the Cayman Islands back into Mexico tax free. He also said he considers the fact that a Disney park will now be located within his country an added bonus.

White House representatives refused to confirm rumors that a similar deal was in the works for the sale to Canada of certain northern and northeastern states such as Illinois and others including New York, Massachusetts, Vermont, and Maine. When asked for comment on this possible sale, New York/ Arkansas/ or Washington D C resident and former losing presidential candidate Hillary Clinton replied, “At this point, what difference does it make anyway?”

President Trump wrapped up his statement stating, “this deal is HUGE and will help Make America, albeit a little smaller, Great Again”.



Sexual harassment

Every day, a  male employee walks up very close to a  female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales
 quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice                     

After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore. 
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
                      
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening
about a co-worker telling you your hair smell nice?                      
 
“It’s  Frank.  The midget”



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When leggings go wrong, it looks like this.


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Just a few jokes 3/20/2017

Written by chuck on March 19, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


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Just A Few Jokes 3/25/2017

Written by chuck on March 18, 2017 – 7:02 pm -


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Just a few jokes 3/17/2017

Written by chuck on March 16, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A guy is watching a film with organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
“No! No! Don’t enter that church, you damn fool.”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”

Husband replies, “Our wedding video.”

————————————

The difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver.
Bad Golfer: Whack – Damn.
Bad Skydiver: Damn – Whack.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little scared.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you… here for?”

The first kid says, “A Circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year!”


Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?””Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said: “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, I voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.” She starts work in the morning.


Interesting Tidbit.

The President-elect won the election with less than 40% of the popular vote but had the majority of electoral votes.

The Republican Party had put forth a candidate to win several crucial states that could swing the Electoral College.

The election was a bitter one with the Democratic Party fractured between two candidates.

The incoming President received so many death threats that he chose to arrive in Washington in secrecy. The security for the inauguration was the tightest ever with troops stationed on buildings throughout the day. This was an unprecedented amount of protection for any President-elect.

Many members of Congress (Democrats) chose not to attend the ceremony and he was vilified in much of the press.

Despite all this……. Abraham Lincoln was sworn in as our 16th president on March 4, 1861.




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Just a few jokes 3/16/2017

Written by chuck on March 15, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


I am going to punch the groundhog right in the face. We were supposed to have six more weeks of winter, not six more weeks of bipolar.

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation
and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that
they “identify” with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at
the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that
owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job
description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Want to guess their motto ………..???

“If You gotta pee – We gottasee!

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.



An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
The bouncer is a blonde girl
I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
“Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”



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Serious friends, you need to see this.

Muslim Restaurant Owner Shut Down When Cops Discover What He Fed Infidels


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Just a few jokes 3/15/2017

Written by chuck on March 14, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I’m not worried about losing weight. I want to stop gaining!

Ain’t it funny as we grow older our conversations with male friends isn’t about chasing women but comparing retirement plans…

Another great thing about retirement years..you can openly tell people to go screw themselves! You have nothing to lose…


My 9yr old came home from school the other day and told us that she got into the finals for her schools talent quest with a standup comedy routine.
I asked he…r to tell me a joke. She said ok.
Whats the worst thing to take to a funeral?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The murder weapon.
I nearly wet myself (apparently so did the principal).
I’m so proud.



My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you …gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used that repairman since…

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is a government employee…..

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’
His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…….
You now have 2 options…
Delete it…..
or
Send it along to put a smile on someone’s face today!.
HAHAHAHAHAHA


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Just a few jokes 3/14/2017

Written by chuck on March 13, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A man had an operation. When he woke up, the curtains were drawn around him, He ask the Nurse if it was dark outside, she said no, the building across the street was on fire, we didn’t want you to think you had died.

Save the Earth!…It’s the only planet with Beer!

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, “WHY?” The wife replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1.”


This is what all of you 60 + year old’s have to look forward to:
This is something that happened in an Aged Care Center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.

One morning, one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast so my friend went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door . He said that he was running late, and would be down shortly, so she went back to the Dining area.
An hour later, he still hadn’t arrived; so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain, and just wanted to have his breakfast So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.



SKILLSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.



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Just a few jokes 3/13/2017

Written by chuck on March 12, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu …

After the stopover a crusty old Marine boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the minister.

After the plane was airborne, to continue on its journey, drink orders were taken.

The Flight Attendant asked the Marine if he wanted a drink? The Marine asked for Rum & Coke, which was prepared and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust….. “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The old Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

Man went to the local bar. Waitress said you look like you had a another fight with your wife.
He said (Yep).
Well how did it end.
He said she came to me on her hands and knees.
Waitress said , what did she say….
(He) she said come out from under that bed you Idiot.



George, their leader, a big burly man of 53,

gets off his Harley, walks through a group of

gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying

to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey

Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”
While he didn’t want to appear too “insensitive,”

George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend”

opportunity either so he asked …”Well, before you

jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ol’ George

here your best last kiss?”
So with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over

the railing and did just that …and it was a long,

deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another

even better one. After they breathlessly finished,

George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-

buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper,

and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have

ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting there,

Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with

me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

…It’s still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.



Teacher said to the Parent, I know you son doesn’t cheat on his grades.
With grades like he gets, there is no way.



click here

Click here for a funny video


Please share my blog with your friends.

Thanks,

Chuck


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