Just a few jokes 8/2/2017

Written by chuck on August 1, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you’ve come!
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The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, “here fill this out”..?

The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “What’s wrong?” is inversely proportional to the severity of the crap storm that’s coming.

Denny’s has a slogan, ‘If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.’ …..If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday… your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today….Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?


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Men are simple creatures. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES;
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT;
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY;
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.
ARGUMENTS;
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE;
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE;
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP;
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL;
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING;
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY;
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!


LAST NIGHT I ALMOST HAD A TREESOME
… I ONLY NEEDED TWO MORE PEOPLE

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I posted this in 2008 and it is still very important today.


Please share my blog with your friends.

Thanks,

Chuck


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