Just a few jokes 8/1/2017

Written by chuck on July 31, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Subject: New Element Discovered

The National Research Council (NRC) today announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has tentatively been named “Governmentium.”

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called… peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of
Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as: “Critical Morass.”

You will know it when you see it.

 FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE  IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
 
1.      DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2.  ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3.  ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4.  IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5.  THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6.  I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7.  WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8.  IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10.  IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11.  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?” 

12.  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13.  IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14.  WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15.  WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16.  IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17.  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18.  IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19.  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH ATM’s?

20.  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21.  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22.  ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23.  DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24.  DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25.  HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26.  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27.  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28.  IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29.  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

30.  WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

31.  WHY IS IT C ALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

32.  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 

33.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34.  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Tech support for marriage  Operating System probably will not work on most computers!

 The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people’s love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf  4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.  What can I do?

Signed, Desperate 

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry
2.0 and Flowers 3.5.  However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.  Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0  program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.  In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.  We recommend Cooking 3.0.

click here

Do not eat the bread


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 7/30/2017

Written by chuck on July 30, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Good Lawyer
 
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie — we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right — the agent asked:
 
“How many children do you have?

He answered: “Twelve.”

The agent asked “Where are the others?”

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered  “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

MORAL: It’s not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words. and don’t forget, most politicians are lawyers.

Dear Mr. Murphy,

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the red area on your

penis shows it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.
 
We deeply regret the amputation.

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”

Doctor: “But this is $500…”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”


Once a liberal
has to start thinking
they are no longer a liberal.

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Click here for voice over text


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Chuck


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Neil Diamond – I’m a Believer 2008

Written by chuck on July 30, 2017 – 6:00 am -


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Just a few jokes 7/28/2017

Written by chuck on July 27, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington to have his wedding ring cut off his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient’s girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.
She didn’t know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don’t know what’s worse:

1. Having your girlfriend find out you’re married.

2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis….OR…

3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

Grandpa fell to the floor unconscious, and the family rushed him to the Hospital
After a while the ER Doctor came out with a long face, and said “I am sorry to inform you that Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”
Grandma cried out “Oh No! We have never had a Liberal in the family before!”

Anthony enters the confessional:
“Bless me Father for I have sinned, I have had carnal relations with a girl from the parish”.
“Who was it my son?”
“I can’t tell you Father, I promised I would keep her name silent.”
“Was it Angela?”…
Father I can’t tell you”
“Was it Rebecca?”
“Father, I promised”
“Was it Maria?”
“Father, please, I’m not telling her name”.
“Anthony, I doubt your repentence, you are suspended from Alter Boy for six weeks.
Anthony leaves the Confessional. Outside his buddies are waiting.
“How did it go” they ask.
Antony replies “Great, six weeks vacation and three good leads”.

click here

Now we know how moon craters are formed.


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 7/27/2017

Written by chuck on July 27, 2017 – 8:37 am -

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Do me a favor.

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. “Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”
After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”

She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”

===
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep
She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

You gotta love Grandmas!
===

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”


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Thanks,

Chuck


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Yep, she is serious.

Written by chuck on July 26, 2017 – 12:24 pm -

Click here to see how serious she is!


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Off The Charts with Roy Beck

Written by chuck on July 26, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Millennials Question- Whats wrong with Millennials

Written by chuck on July 25, 2017 – 6:00 am -


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Just a few jokes 7/25/2017

Written by chuck on July 24, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

===

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up!’ ”

The Deep Thoughts Of A Retired Man
What deep things retired men think about….

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.”

She then said that’s what you did yesterday—to which I replied—I wasn’t done,

so I’m in the middle of finishing right now.

The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,

“You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 7/24/2017

Written by chuck on July 23, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Bedtime Story …….

A man is driving down the road & breaks down near a monastery.. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, & says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, & even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you because you’re not… a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, & even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you because you’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the Earth & tell us how many blades of grass there are & the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns & knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have travelled the Earth & devoted my life to the task demanded & have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass & 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, “Congratulations, you are correct, & you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, “May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, & he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone… The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, & he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, & amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, & behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing & unbelievable sight ….

…. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk!

Confession

A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth

He says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever
living crap out of a flag burning, cop hating, anti-Trump protester.”

The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss
your community service.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”
Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”


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Chuck


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