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Written by chuck on June 30, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Just a few jokes 6/30/2017

Written by chuck on June 29, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A father texts his son:
“My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for the rest of your life.
Love and best wishes.
Your Father.”
His Son texts back:
“Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn’t actually until tomorrow!”
His Father replies:
“I know.”



“Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”
– Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
 
“I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”
– Lou Holtz , Arkansas football coach
 
“I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”
– Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
 
“I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”
– Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting.
 
“I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.”
– Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers



You will chuckle as you read this ….. Because as stupid as it may sound, this is exactly what we do!

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
Frank, You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about….

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.


We are in BIG trouble:

Posted by Anonymous on Saturday, June 24, 2017


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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 6/29/2017

Written by chuck on June 28, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.

I also noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ licence plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish Emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Priceless !!

 Facetious is the only word
in the English language
that has all the vowels
in alphabetical order

So I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Most black 15 year-olds in this country are decent, law abiding citizens. It’s their kids who cause all the trouble.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t be stupid, feminists can’t change anything.

What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster… Now it doesn’t work.

How do you kill a redneck? Wait ’till he fucks his sister then cut the brakes on his house.
What’s the difference between a gay man and a freezer? Freezer doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you already done told her twice.

How do you fit 4 queers on a barstool? Flip it upside-down.

Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free.

WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He  calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated …38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me  your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be  runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ” “Somma day you gonna come-a home  and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do  then point at your watch and say times up?

This Guy's Girlfriend Doesn't Understand Weather

Greatest argument ever 😂🌞Brad Holmes

Posted by UNILAD on Monday, June 26, 2017


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Chuck


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Guy Jumps into Pool of Motor Oil

Written by chuck on June 28, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Just a few jokes 6/28/2017

Written by chuck on June 27, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Went to the doc. He told me I really had to lay off the booze and increase my veggie and fruits. Then I thought:
Beer comes from grain.
Vodka comes from potatoes.
Wine comes from grapes.
Saki comes from rice….
Brandy can be apple, peach, peppermint, etc.
I can so do this.

My ex girlfriend ask me how I kept my water bill so low.I told her I never wash my clothes and I only shower once a month…I haven’t seen her lately….



A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail t…o his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail since she was expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: November 18, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS. Sure is freaking hot down here.

“My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”
– E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
 
“My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.”
– Vic Braden, tennis instructor
 
“When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did, but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax’s.”
– Tommy John , N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery
 
“I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”
– Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles.
 
“We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”
– John Breen, Houston Oilers
 
“The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”
– Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons.
 
When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.”
– Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
 
“I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.”
– Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner.

Would you do this?

Posted by Bria Myles on Friday, June 23, 2017


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Chuck


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Funny Chinese Pranks

Written by chuck on June 27, 2017 – 6:00 am -


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Just a few jokes 6/27/2017

Written by chuck on June 26, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Overheard in a doctor’s office this morning . A Retired Gunny ( Gunnery Sergeant for you boots ) was talking to the doctor in the adjacent room . He had bad hearing so the conversation was loud. Doctor : ” I told told you you have got to stop drinking ” ! Gunny: You sure that’s what’s causing my stomach problems ” ? The doctor opened the refrigerator and took out a box with live earthworms and a glass of whiskey. He took one of the worms from the box and told the Gunny to watch. He dipped the worm.in the whiskey and it died ! The doctor turned to the Gunny holding the dead worm with tweezers and asked : “Now what does that prove “? The Ole Gunny wiped his chin and said : ” It proves to me, if you drink whiskey you won’t have worms ” !



Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking. I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed the bills aren’t paid there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…. Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

"How Men Act When They Are Sick"!!🤕󾌮🤒———————————————-Jemel McWilliams Miss Jay MusicCOMMENT/TAG someone if you know this is true!! 󾭻󾍛🏽

Posted by Jemel McWilliams on Sunday, October 9, 2016


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One HUGE snake

Written by chuck on June 26, 2017 – 6:00 am -

UTICA, MS (Mississippi News Now) – A Utica man killed this huge rattlesnake.


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Just a few jokes 6/26/2017

Written by chuck on June 25, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

To All My Handyman and Shade Tree Mechanic Friends. Enjoy
A farmers definition of tools lol.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-upjobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’.
Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flingsyour beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliersto completely round off bolt heads.If nothing else is available, they can also
be used to transfer intense welding heatto the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the greasinside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

I hope this information was informative.

Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t driven by.

The Victorian Police report finding a man’s body in the Yarra river in Melbourne .
The dead man’s name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ” NSW footy jumper. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the NSW footy jumper to spare his family any unnecessa…ry embarrassment during positive ID.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the police really do care.


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I just want to be sexy like Cameron Diaz

Written by chuck on June 25, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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