Just a few jokes 5/17/2017

Written by chuck on May 16, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Dear Dear Husband Brad Walls let me tell you about my morning!!!!

***(Friends y’all might want to read this too if you think you’ve had a bad morning so far)***

If the neighbor calls telling you that a homeless woman was sifting through your garbage whilst you were at work, no worries it was just me.
I woke straight out of a beautiful deep sleep  which I hadn’t seen in months, realizing the garbage hadn’t been taken to the curb. (Family of 6 and only 1 trash day a week, nope cannot miss trash day)

So I ran out the door in my big ole’ over sized holey bleach stained t-shirt, no bra and barefoot. As I was dragging  what could have only been around 700 pounds of waste across our yard, I noticed something quite warm and squishy between my toes! I bowed my head praying it wasn’t the new present that our 200 pound Great Dane just left in the yard.

That’s when things took a turn for the worse. When I bent down to see that it indeed was not a big ole pile of dog that I had stepped in, but a special little half eaten warm gooey  friend (a special present from our wonderful cat Cookie). While screaming and trying to fling the half eaten  off my foot and to no avail, (yeah 3 people had driven by at this time, and one honked  I had to dig in our trash for something to scoop the little critter off my foot with. Finally, I get what I can off my foot and my contact  goes all wonkey. It’s burning my eye but I can’t touch it, can I? I’ve got garbage and possibly  guts on my .

So I stumble back through the yard, one eye open, one eye closed, it’s really burning now. So I take the inside of my elbow and wipe it across my eye, the burning stops (such a relief) but now I can’t see a thing. Then I realize that I lost a contact, but why can’t I see? I still have in one good contact??? So by now I’m panicking, I must have gotten the  guts in my eye and got some mysterious  illness (because this is me where’re talking about here) and now I am going blind. So

I am now walking through the yard, arms flailing, like a blind man with my arms stuck out in front of me , trying not to run into anything when…. I feel ANOTHER warm gooey feeling in between my toes. This time I’m praying it’s the other half of that . I look down, but I see nothing, yeah because I’m BLIND remember… so now I’m dragging my foot through the yard like a freaking , one eye closed, arms out in front of me, in my big ole’ oversized holey bleached t-shirt and no bra, barefoot with half of a dead  guts on one foot and god only knows what else on the other… I FINALLY make it back to my porch. I sit down and open BOTH eyes (it’s apparently safe to do so now) just to realize I had the wrong freaking eye closed the ENTIRE time!!! My one good eye.. yeah it was closed the ENTIRE TIME.

So now I am laughing historically like a crazy person, sitting on the edge of my porch in my big ole’ oversized holey bleached t-shirt, no bra, no shoes, blind in one eye, with half of a dead  on one foot, and DOG  from our 200 pound Great Dane on the other, wondering how I am going to get back inside to clean myself up? I can no longer hop on one foot as I had originally planned before stepping in surprise numero 2, that plans out. So what did I do? Y’all ready??? I had to get down on all 4s y’all , in my big ole’ oversized holey bleached t-shirt, no bra, no shoes, blind in one eye, with half of a dead  on one foot, and dog  from our 200 pound Great Dane on the other and crawl my happy butt back across my porch, through my front door, across my living room floor, into my kitchen, down the hallway, into my bedroom and FINALLY into my bathroom where I could shower!!!

Oh you think this is where it ends?  Yeah well guess what. AFTER I meticulously get undressed not to smear the poo and guts on anything else, I realize I have NO FREAKING towel. It’s ALL THE WAY back in the LIVINGROOM where I left it because I wanted a couple extra hours of beauty sleep this morning , instead of folding the dang laundry like I should have (don’t act like I’m the only one)!!!! So back on all fours I go, I have no dignity left at this point right? WRONG!!!!!

THIS TIME, NO BIG OLE’ OVERSIZED HOLEY BLEACHED T-SHIRT, BAREFOOTED AND BLIND WITH  GUTS ON ONE FOOT AND DOG  FROM OUR 200 POUND GREAT DANE ON THE OTHER…. BUT….. BUTT @@@@@@@@@@ NAKED, BLIND WITH  GUTS ON ONE FOOT AND DOG  FROM OUR 200 POUND GREAT DANE ON THE OTHER!!!

So if you think you’ve had a bad morning.. don’t worry SWEETIE there’s a good chance mine has been SLIGHTLY worse.

Sincerely,

Your very forgiving wife who now needs a foot massage and a pedicure.

What do you get when an earthquake strikes a cow pasture?
A milkshake.



IT IS BEST TO WHISPER !!

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: “Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied, in a loud voice,
“NO, I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was
deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man’s table
and said with a laugh: “I study psychology, and I know what a man is
thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?”

The man responded in a loud voice: “$800 FOR ONE NIGHT? ….. I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: “I study law, and I know how to screw people”.




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Thanks,

Chuck


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