Just a few jokes 5/10/2017

Written by chuck on May 9, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Today’s word: VEGETARIAN:
An old American Indian word that translates into “POOR HUNTER”

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. 

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. 

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. 

Behind her were 200 women walking single file. 

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. 

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad  time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?” 

The woman replied, “Well, the first hearse is for my husband, my pit bull attacked and killed him. The second is my mother-in-law, she tried to stop the attack, and the pit bull killed her also.” 

A poignant and thoughtful moment pass between the two women. 

“Can I borrow the dog?” 

“Get in line.”

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down,
I’ll remember it.”

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change things I can and the friends to post my bail when I
finally snap.

I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I actually came in there for.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Texas Sheriff’s Exam…
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.
He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,
six ambulance-chasing lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.

“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”

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