Just a few jokes 5/9/2017

Written by chuck on May 8, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A man with time has NO money and A man with money has NO time.

You will chuckle as you read this …. Because as stupid as it may
sound, this is exactly what we do!

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going
on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance
garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast
garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with g rass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing
there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant
that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That
must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes
twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And,
when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the
rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot
of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so
fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke
of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to
provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the
ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect
the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon
as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them
hauled away.

GOD:
No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to
keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they
call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in
charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about….

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.


A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
“Blind man driving.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels”

On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist’s Office :
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
You’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck :
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck :
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck :
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door :
“Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership :
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room :
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”


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Posted by Bikers Lifestyle on Saturday, August 20, 2016


Please share my blog with your friends.

Thanks,

Chuck


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