Just a few jokes 5/2/2017

Written by chuck on May 1, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

The world does not require so much to be informed as reminded.” — Hannah More, English religious writer (1745-1833).

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are …you okay?
“I’m okay thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.” I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on now!” she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
I replied, “Still under the cart, I guess.”

Two old ladies are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The elderly ladies are fascinated by this. One of the women is overcome by curiosity, and she reaches into the cage to touch it. Suddenly, the gorilla grabs her, drags her through the bars into the cage and mates with her for two hours nonstop!

When he’s done, the gorilla pushes the woman back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the woman is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later her friend visits her and asks: “Are you hurt?”

“Am I hurt?” she answers. “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t written.”

Monkeys…..and Government Policy- How it starts; The Test and the Result….

Put three monkeys in a cage. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as the monkey touches thestairs, spray the other two monkeys with cold water. Do this every time one of the monkeys attempts to use the stairs. After a while, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other two monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, the other two monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace the third original monkey with a new one. When this newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked by the other two.

Because all of the original monkeys have been replaced, the monkeys that are now beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with the cold water.

Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because, as far as they know, that’s the way it’s always been done around here. And that, my friend, is how Government policy begins.

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