Just a few jokes 5/23/2017

Written by chuck on May 22, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Wifey asks “Do you wanna have sex or watch Top Chef?”… Apparently “Well, what are they cooking?” was the wrong answer…


Several of the Mensa members went out for lunchtime at a local cafe.

When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly — this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up
with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker……………. ”

But before they could finish,……….

The waitress interrupted. “Oh — sorry about that.” She leaned over the
table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Reminds me of government. Solutions would be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Washington and Ottawa have to make the situation difficult.


We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Baseman Bay in Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don’t have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night – early birds.

Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!
Remember to send this to all your “retarded grandparent” friends and give them a laugh too!


The Fence Test
You can’t get any more accurate than this!
This is straight forward country thinking.
by Jeff Foxworthy

Which side of the fence?
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Republican doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Democrat doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
============================= ==
If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone
============================== =
If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
============================== =
If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a Democrat is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.
============================= ==
If a Republican doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
A Democrat demands that those they don’t like be shut down.
============================= ==
If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
============================== =
If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a Republican is unhappy with an election, he grumbles and goes to work the next day.
If a Democrat is unhappy with an election, he burns down a Starbucks, throws rocks at cops and takes two-weeks off for therapy.
============================= ==
If a Republican reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Democrat will delete it because he’s “offended.”



click here

Warning For Woman Who Pump Their Own Gas

Warning For Woman Who Pump Their Own Gas


Please share my blog with your friends.

Thanks,

Chuck


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Warning For Woman Who Pump Their Own Gas

Written by chuck on May 22, 2017 – 6:00 am -

This woman had paid for her gas but the attendant persistently kept telling her to come inside. At first she was hesitant because it was really late at night but she was shocked when he told her this.

Please click here


Posted in Serious Side | No Comments »

Just a few jokes 5/22/2017

Written by chuck on May 21, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I’m a responsible person…People are always saying “I know you’re responsible for this!”

Pregnant on the Bus

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat….
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself:
The man replied,

‘Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
‘ Logan ‘s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

And sat under a sign that said,

‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’
.. I just lost it.’
‘CASE DISMISSED!!’


There is nothing more annoying
than two people talking
while you’re trying to interrupt.

1. *AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Pl…ease come out and give yourself up.’

3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. *THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. *DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot’, the man shouted, ‘that’s not what I said!’

6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart’. ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked.
‘No!’ the man shouted, ‘This is her husband!’

7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo…!!!)

8. *THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
*Now remember these are all true stories and these people vote and most have children!*

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for …each other. Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman” he says, “But if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

More Dip, Please!

When you've got a craving for queso…

Posted by Waggle on Wednesday, May 17, 2017


Please share my blog with your friends.

Thanks,

Chuck


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Live babies on video.

Written by chuck on May 21, 2017 – 11:10 am -

Rated “G” for your kids

Please click here for WOLF BAY CAMERA

Please share with your friends.


Posted in Serious Side | No Comments »

Would you live here?

Written by chuck on May 21, 2017 – 6:30 am -

Please share with your friends.


Posted in Videos | No Comments »

14 Tools Hacks

Written by chuck on May 20, 2017 – 6:00 am -

Please share with your friends.


Posted in Videos | No Comments »

The Government Investigates …

Written by chuck on May 19, 2017 – 6:00 am -

Please share with your friends.


Posted in Videos | No Comments »

Is it legal to Marry Yourself?

Written by chuck on May 18, 2017 – 6:00 am -

Please share with your friends.


Posted in Videos | No Comments »

Just a few jokes 5/18/2017

Written by chuck on May 17, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

That Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied…”Divorce attorney.”

There was a power outage at
a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on
the escalators for two hours.

A joke shamelessly stolen from a friend:
A Saudi, a Venezuelan, a North Korean and a native New Yorker are walking down the street past the UN.
A reporter comes up to them and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”

The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Venezuelan says, “What’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker says, “What the f**k is ‘excuse me’?!”

Ma Bell Phone Ring

Three old guys
are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

click here

Please check out my blog everyday.


Please share my blog with your friends.

Thanks,

Chuck


Posted in Fun Stuff | No Comments »

Woman cries, alleges assault after seeing confederate flag in Portland store

Written by chuck on May 17, 2017 – 6:00 am -

Liberal idiot that says the “F” words in front of her kids.

Please share with your friends.


Posted in Videos | No Comments »