Just a few jokes 6/1/2017

Written by chuck on May 31, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

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“Born poor, not your fault…die poor, your fault”

The Flower show
Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. They, each, had often shared stories of their much lively earlier years.
The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, “Life is so boring these days, we never have any fun anymore, as we used to! For $10.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!”

“You’re on!” said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. She selected two more dried blossoms and held them modestly. Then, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show!
Waiting outside, Evelyn soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by lengthy, loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Evelyn.
“I won the $1,000 1st prize as the Best Dried Arrangement…!”

One sunny day in Late January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”…

The Marine looks at the man and says,
“Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man says,
“Okay,” and walks away.
The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine again tells the man,
“Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanks him and again walks away.
On the third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says,
“Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looks at the Marine and says,
“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
“See you tomorrow, Sir!”

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said,
“Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while
standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need
to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”…
The second lady chimed in with, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing
of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way
down.”
The third one responded, ” Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem.
Knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said,
“That must be the door, I’ll get it!

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Just a few jokes 5/31/2017

Written by chuck on May 30, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I was cleaning up in the basement and found a package of Christmas lights. On the box it said “For indoor or outdoor use only.” Wonder where else I could use them other than those two places?

Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!” 
The doctor figures that he might be able to see in a week or so when the swelling in his eyes goes down.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
“My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s
a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten
seconds and costs ten dollars – A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He
deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water and avoid heavy activity…. It will improve in two weeks. Thank
you for shopping @ Costco!”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to
check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and
awaits the results.The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!*

Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc.
These loops never happen in real life, unless…
A company CEO tells his secretary:…
“Next week we’re going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements.”
The secretary calls her husband:
“Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time.”
The husband calls his lover:
“My wife is going abroad for a week, lets spend it together…”
The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children:
“Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you’ll be studying at home.”
One of the kids went to his grandfather and said:
“Grandpa, next week I don’t have school, you promised me that if I had time off we’d go to the mountains together.”
The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her:
“My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we’re not going abroad.”
The secretary calls her husband:
“The boss cancelled, we’ll be together, my love.”
The husband calls his lover:
“We can’t spend the week together, my wife is staying.”
The lover tells the kids:
“My problem was solved, school is back on.”
The kid goes to the grandfather:
“Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won’t be able to go.”
The CEO calls his secretary:
“My grandson won’t be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad”
The secretary calls her husband….

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Just a few jokes 5/30/2017

Written by chuck on May 30, 2017 – 8:27 am -

Einstein once said, ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’

It is the poor who habitually elect Democrats… yet they are still POOR.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,”she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence,
thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which
the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”
Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie”.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”
“Now tell me, what the HECK would you say?”

The Difference Between Texas And California 

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
 A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.
The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi”
and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing
what is natural.
He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and
bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills
the State $200 testing it for diseases.
The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting
checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite
wound bandaged.
The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free
of dangerous animals.
The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
“coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.
The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to
better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the
disease throughout the world.
The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.
The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with
additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million
suit against the state.
TEXAS
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and
keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

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The Ultimate Golf FAIL Compilation

Written by chuck on May 30, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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This is what Memorial Day is about.

Written by chuck on May 29, 2017 – 11:57 am -

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President Reagan’s Address at the Ceremony Commemorating the 40th Anniversary of the Normandy Invasion

Written by chuck on May 29, 2017 – 9:55 am -

Normandy Speech: Ceremony Commemorating the 40th Anniversary of the Normandy Invasion, D-Day 6/6/84

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Chú chó biết nói làm rúng động thế giới

Written by chuck on May 29, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Just a few jokes 5/29/2017

Written by chuck on May 28, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


Happy Memorial Day

My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking………anybody got a spare room?

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A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,”.

“Tell me! Did you find her?!” Cedric Flynn asked.

One officer said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news”!

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”

“Lord sufferin’ Jesus!” exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?”

The officer continued,
“When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Maine Lobsters that you’ve ever seen clinging to her……..Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 60’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch.”

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”

The officer replied,

“We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow”

A Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-24 about 2 miles east of Nashville, Tennessee. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Nashville to do a show for the Childrens Hospital. He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from southeast middle Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”

The light turned yellow just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection…..dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious-looking police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”

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Girl Friend Caught


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Girl Friend Caught

Written by chuck on May 28, 2017 – 2:29 pm -

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Smartest prank ever – from Brazil

Written by chuck on May 27, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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