Just a few jokes 4/24/2017

Written by chuck on April 23, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

It has taken me almost all day to get nothing done at all.

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it….
Cars are backed up for miles…

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Where Are Trumps Tax Returns?
During a recent Trump stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, “Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?”
The Donald politely responded, “I’ve found a very secure place where I’m certain they will never be found.”
The insistent heckler, then shouted, “And just where is that, dummy”?

The Donald smiled and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.

What’s your next question?”



Astute Observations On Life…

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech — every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.(Mark Twain)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. (Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ (Joe Namath)

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.(Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)



click here

Why women live longer than men.


Please share my blog with your friends.

Thanks,

Chuck


Posted in Miscellaneous | No Comments »


You must be logged in to post a comment.