“A package of salad mix that was sold in a Florida Walmart was found to contain a dead bat. This is shocking news – someone shopping at Walmart bought a salad.” -Conan O’Brien
“According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane.” -Seth Meyers…
“There is a new trend in U.K. corporate policy where employees are being given paid time off so that they can acclimate a new pet to their home. They’re calling it ‘pawternity’ leave. Paid time off for pets should not be a thing. Here is how that discussion should go: ‘Excuse me, boss, I want to get a new dog, but I need a week off to bond with the animal.’ And your boss goes, ‘Oh, OK, cool. You’re fired.'” -James Corden
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” one buddy told another.
“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?”
“Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it!”
So the guy went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife. “I’ve tried that so many times and it never worked.”
*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ————–*
A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, “Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!”
“Oh?” says the mother, amused. “And how old is Janie?”
“Six,” replies the boy.
“Well,” says the father, “what are you going to do for money?”
“I get 5 dollars a week allowance,” says the son, “and Janie gets 2. We figured that if we put them together, we’ll be okay.”
“I see,” says the father. “But what are you going to do if you have any children?”
“Well,” says the boy, “so far we’ve been lucky.”
A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”
The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the young man.
“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body,” said the father.
The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?”
His father replied, “These are ‘babouches’ which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert”
“So tell me then,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son?”
“Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this shit?
There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they “identify” with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.
If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?
Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?
And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?
Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?
How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?
What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?
Their Motto Will Be ………..???
“If You gotta pee – We gotta see!”
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