Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly’s wife
went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to
assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here. You hold this high so I can see
what I am doing!’
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. ‘Whoa there’, said the
doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s
another one coming.’
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. ‘Hold that
lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’ Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby ‘No, don’t be in a
hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’
cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
‘You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?’
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office….
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks. ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
I keep telling you!
Don’t Mess with Old People!
A woman who had been married 3 times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her 4th wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”
The bride to be said: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are… being married the 1st time – for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?”
“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my 1st husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.”
“My 2nd husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your 3rd husband?” asked the sales clerk.
“That one was a Democrat,” said the woman, “and every night for 4 years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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