Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.
Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The
Doctor comes in and says, ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the Freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, But…..
Something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the Fact is,…
your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable To find it.’
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $9000 in
Insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build
You a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in
Fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1000 an inch.’
The man perks up at this. ‘So,’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you
to Decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better
Discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, And
you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if
you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest In a five
incher this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s Important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the
next Day.’So,’ says the doctor, ‘have you spoken with your wife?’
‘I have,’ says the man.
‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’
‘Yes, she has,’ says the man.
‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor.
‘We’re getting granite countertops.’
I was in a restaurant last night when an ugly, scraggly old woman came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”
I looked at her said, “Have you got a pen?”
She said, “I sure do.”
I said, “ Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”…
My dental surgery is on Monday…
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for… a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained: “I married:
One for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready,
And four to go!”
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