Just a few jokes 4/5/2017

Written by chuck on April 4, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Just found out that Turtles can breath out their butts!.. Heck thats nothing, I know People who talk out of theirs!!

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink….
“Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
It’s always better to get a second opinion

December 27, 2001|By Ann Landers.
Dear Ann Landers: I am an inner city English teacher, and my students are reading George Orwell’s “1984.” I am having a difficult time explaining communism, socialism and fascism to my students without giving a full-blown, time-consuming history lesson. I recall you printed a humorous column some time ago explaining these concepts using cows as examples. Will you please print it again for my students? I’m sure it will kick-start a lively class discussion. I’d appreciate your help. — A Teacher in Mississippi
Dear Mississippi Teacher: Thank you for asking. It’s an “oldie,” but a “goldie.” Here it is: -ISMS

Socialism: You have two cows. Give one cow to your neighbor.
Communism: You have two cows. Give both cows to the government, and they may give you some of the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. You give all of the milk to the government, and the government sells it.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes both cows.
Anarchism: You have two cows. Keep both of the cows, shoot the government agent and steal another cow.
Capitalism: You have two cows. Sell one cow and buy a bull.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government makes you take harmonica lessons.

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit
was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many
people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe
in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says,
“Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have made love to
a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us
about your experience.”

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod
and a grin, and began to make his way up to
the podium. When he reached the front of the
room, the professor asks, “So, Hamad , tell us
what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Hamad replied, “Shit, from way back there
I thought you said Goats.”

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