Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but…… I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, OK, you too, bye”: Man side of every phone conversation with his wife…
The Agony of Aging….On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging
friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked.
You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ……
but it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of
emergency, notify…” I answered “a doctor.”
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit
was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many
people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe
in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hand.
“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says,
“Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have made love to
a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us
about your experience.”
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod
and a grin, and began to make his way up to
the podium. When he reached the front of the
room, the professor asks, “So, Hamad , tell us
what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”
Hamad replied, “Shit, from way back there
I thought you said Goats.”
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