Just a few jokes 5/1/2017

Written by chuck on April 30, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

My wife just asked me if I was busy… Nothing good can come from this!

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during dinner.
 
Catholic:  I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!
 
Protestant:  I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!
 
Muslim:  I am a fabulously rich Prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!
 
They then all wait for the Jew to speak… The Jew stirs his coffee,
places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them
and casually says:
 
” I told you already, I’m not selling ! ”



I took down my Rebel flag & peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system & quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags & put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I bought the black ISIS flag on ebay & ran it up the flag pole. Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, & Secret Service agencies all watch my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer & I’m saving $69.95/month that ADT had charged me! I also bought burkas to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way & security can’t pat me down!



1..Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
It’s called…’Ministers do more than Lay People’

2..Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3..The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.

4..My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5..The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the
bathroom.

6..I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink
spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7..It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping
and handling, too.

8..A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9..My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and
a large trash can.

10.. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment…for enjoying sex.

Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel…
because those that matter..don’t mind…and those that mind…
don’t matter!

And as you slide down that Banister of Life you should pray that all the splinters
are pointed the other way…



He said this in 1968 about teens, and almost 50 years later it is still true.

Posted by Grown Men Stuff on Saturday, November 19, 2016


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Thanks,

Chuck


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New fence for Stella

Written by chuck on April 30, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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OUR LIGHTER SIDE “R” Rated 4/28/2017

Written by chuck on April 27, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

r-rated

________________________

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, ‘How much do you charge?’
Hooker replies, ‘It starts at $500 for a hand-job.’
Guy says, ‘$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!’
The hooker says, ‘Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?’ …
‘Yes.’
‘Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?’
‘Yes.’
‘And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well,’ says the hooker, smiling invitingly, ‘I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.’
Guy says, ‘What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.’
They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, ‘I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’
The hooker replies, ‘$1,500.’
‘I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!’
The hooker replies, ‘Step over here to the window, big boy.’
‘Do you see that casino just across the street?’
‘I own that casino outright.’
‘And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.’
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, ‘Sign me up.’
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money’s worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, ‘How much for some pussy?’
The hooker says, ‘Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.’
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?’
‘Damn!’ the guy says, in awe, ‘You own the whole city?’
No,’ the hooker replies, ‘but I would if I had a pussy.’

________________________


________________________

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________________________


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Chuck

**********************************

DISCLAIMER! There may be errors in this post. Any errors or “typos” you find were also found by me less than 10 minutes after I sent it out. As far as spelling is concerned, Mark Twain once said, I feel bad for the man that can’t spell a word more than one way.

—————
Adult Humor
—————

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Send Jokes and stuff to: ols@ourlighterside.com

Thanks,

Chuck
Birmingham, Alabama


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Just a few jokes 4/27/2017

Written by chuck on April 26, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

****** 23 ADULT TRUTHS ******
1 Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m
Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it
asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks. ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast ?’

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, “Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where’s your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.” 

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. 

The Rabbi turns to her and says, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.” 

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Chuck


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Just a few jokes 4/26/2017

Written by chuck on April 25, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

My birthday suit sure did used to fit much better than this.

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, “I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop.”
The bartender said, “There is no way you can do that. Sure, I’ll bet you three hundred dollars.”
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing.
He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender sta…rts smiling and laughing and says, “That’s it, you owe me three hundred dollars.”
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there.
He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, “Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet.”
The man said, “I’m laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done.”

LA Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England ’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant…..The fees for cars ($1.40),for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work,he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.
The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who’d apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ……and no one even knows his name.
I think this is my favorite e-mail ever!

Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said : “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”
 

I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations

What is the difference between a zombie and a liberal?
Both are brain dead but at least the zombie can feed itself.

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95% of men believe this to be true. The remaining 5% are either single or still living with their mother 󾌴󾌴󾌴󾌴󾌴 Credit to KiKINNEKINNE

Posted by Rulers Records on Tuesday, August 30, 2016


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How far will the……

Written by chuck on April 25, 2017 – 6:00 am -

Please click here. How far will the tires roll?

Some folks have too much time on their hands.


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Just a few jokes 4/25/2017

Written by chuck on April 24, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I failed a health and safety test at work today. The question was “What steps would you take if there was a fire?” “Damn big ones” was apparently the wrong answer….


Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the …church
12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.” Soon thereafter, mom sent a letter to each son. “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.” “Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” “Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”



Farmer gets a new rooster, and the rooster is more than he bargained for

That rooster knows exactly what he’s doing…
A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’ll be worth it. So he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first, giving the rooster a pep talk. “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, and when the farmer points toward the henhouse, he takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse — three or four times. The farmer is shocked.
Later, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, and sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later still, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again — WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset, Randy is out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful — and expensive — animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer.”


New United Airlines Motto

“We put the hospital in hospitality”

“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

“We treat you like we treat your luggage”

“We beat the customer. Not the competition”

“And you thought leg room was an issue”

“Where voluntary is mandatory”

“Fight or flight. We decide”

“Now offering one free carry off”

“Beating random customers since 2017”

“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

And reportedly South West ran ads: We beat our competition, not our customers



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A Tale of Two Brains


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Chuck

A Tale of Two Brains


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A Tale of Two Brains

Written by chuck on April 24, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Just a few jokes 4/24/2017

Written by chuck on April 23, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

It has taken me almost all day to get nothing done at all.

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it….
Cars are backed up for miles…

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Where Are Trumps Tax Returns?
During a recent Trump stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, “Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?”
The Donald politely responded, “I’ve found a very secure place where I’m certain they will never be found.”
The insistent heckler, then shouted, “And just where is that, dummy”?

The Donald smiled and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.

What’s your next question?”



Astute Observations On Life…

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech — every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.(Mark Twain)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. (Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ (Joe Namath)

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.(Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)



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Why women live longer than men.


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Wrong place to have an accident

Written by chuck on April 23, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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