Just a few jokes 4/24/2017

Written by chuck on April 23, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

It has taken me almost all day to get nothing done at all.

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it….
Cars are backed up for miles…

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Where Are Trumps Tax Returns?
During a recent Trump stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, “Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?”
The Donald politely responded, “I’ve found a very secure place where I’m certain they will never be found.”
The insistent heckler, then shouted, “And just where is that, dummy”?

The Donald smiled and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.

What’s your next question?”



Astute Observations On Life…

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech — every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.(Mark Twain)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. (Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ (Joe Namath)

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.(Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)



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Why women live longer than men.


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Chuck


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Wrong place to have an accident

Written by chuck on April 23, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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6 Things You Didn’t Know The Purpose Of

Written by chuck on April 22, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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67 year old dies in a full service gentleman’s club

Written by chuck on April 20, 2017 – 6:00 am -

By Dailymail.com Reporter:

Robert Gene White, 67, was a the full service gentleman’s club on Friday night
White had been receiving a dance when staff noticed he was not responding
After thinking he may have been trying to get out of paying, CPR was performed 
El Paso County Sheriff Office said it appears as though he died of natural causes 

Read more here


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Just a few jokes 4/20/2017

Written by chuck on April 19, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


Folks no longer with us.


Why California Is Broke and Texas Is Not

California

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.
The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.

The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re the nature of coyotes.

PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

Texas

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.75 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

I am in so much trouble.

I was asked to watch our 6 yr old grandson while my wife and daughter went shopping. Since it was a nice day I took a book and was sitting on the deck reading and at times light napping while our grandson was playing with other kids a couple houses away. After a while our grandson and a young girl came up to me.

“Grandad, what’s it called when a boy spends the night with a girl and sleeps on top?”

I was really not expecting this from a pair of 6 yea…r olds. I tried bumbling my way through a basic birds and bees talk. The kids seemed satisfied and ran off to continue playing.

A short while later Robert, my grandson came home and looked at me and said:
Grandad, you are so wrong. It’s called bunk beds and Becky’s mom wants you to call her.


Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went………

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said………..

” What’s for dinner, Zorro?”


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UPS driver saves family


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UPS driver saves family

Written by chuck on April 19, 2017 – 6:00 am -

Published on Apr 14, 2017
A UPS driver rushed into a home to rescue a family inside after a fire broke out on the porch. At first, the parents thought the burning smell was a neighbor using the grill. The driver was on his last stop of the day when he saw the flames. He then uses a garden hose to put it out. It’s unknown how it started, but talk about a special delivery.


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Just a few jokes 4/19/2017

Written by chuck on April 18, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

“A package of salad mix that was sold in a Florida Walmart was found to contain a dead bat. This is shocking news – someone shopping at Walmart bought a salad.” -Conan O’Brien
***
“According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane.” -Seth Meyers…
***
“There is a new trend in U.K. corporate policy where employees are being given paid time off so that they can acclimate a new pet to their home. They’re calling it ‘pawternity’ leave. Paid time off for pets should not be a thing. Here is how that discussion should go: ‘Excuse me, boss, I want to get a new dog, but I need a week off to bond with the animal.’ And your boss goes, ‘Oh, OK, cool. You’re fired.'” -James Corden
***
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” one buddy told another.
“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?”
“Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it!”
So the guy went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife. “I’ve tried that so many times and it never worked.”

*————– Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ————–*
A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, “Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!”
“Oh?” says the mother, amused. “And how old is Janie?”
“Six,” replies the boy.
“Well,” says the father, “what are you going to do for money?”
“I get 5 dollars a week allowance,” says the son, “and Janie gets 2. We figured that if we put them together, we’ll be okay.”
“I see,” says the father. “But what are you going to do if you have any children?”
“Well,” says the boy, “so far we’ve been lucky.”

A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the young man.

“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body,” said the father.

The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?”

His father replied, “These are ‘babouches’ which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert”

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son?”

“Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this shit?



There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they “identify” with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Their Motto Will Be ………..???
“If You gotta pee – We gotta see!”


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Thanks,

Chuck


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Top 10 MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

Written by chuck on April 18, 2017 – 6:00 am -

Top 10 MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS Caught on Live TV!

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Just a few jokes 4/18/2017

Written by chuck on April 17, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I’m great at multitasking… I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once!

 A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed
into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished but
amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately
we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” The man replied,” I agree
with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn’t break. Surely God
meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap
back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

She replies,

“Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!


Where Are Trumps Tax Returns

Excellent point!

During a recent Trump stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, “Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?
The Donald politely responded, “I’ve found a very secure place that I’m certain they won’t be found.”
The insistent heckler, then shouted, “And just where is that, dummy”?
The Donald smiled and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.

“What’s your next question?”

“TOLERANCE IS THE LAST VIRTUE OF A DYING SOCIETY” ARISTOTLE



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.
I then said ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes . . .’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started . . . . .



A man and his wife were shopping and the man picked up a case of beer. His wife said, “Put that back. You don’t need that.” Later, he found her in the area with all the makeup, putting lipstick, rouge, eye shadow, eye liner and a lot of other make up supplies. He told her, “Put all that back. You don’t need that.” She said, ” I need all that to make me pretty.” He said, ” That is what I needed the beer for.” It took him a while to get the tube of lipstick out of his nostril.



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Muslims Everywhere Totally OUTRAGED!


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Muslims Everywhere Totally OUTRAGED!

Written by chuck on April 17, 2017 – 6:00 am -

VIDEO: What Patriots In Wyoming Just Did To The Quran Has Muslims Everywhere Totally OUTRAGED

Click here to see why Muslims are outraged. Maybe we need to do this in Alabama


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