My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats…
A sure way to keep from cutting yourself when chopping vegetables is to have someone else hold them while you chop.
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?” The husband looks up from his drink, “I…t’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”
She can’t believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.”
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'”
“I remember that too,” she replied softly…
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”
I went to the drug store and told the clerk “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Lady Clerk: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said “Nah — She’s pretty good lookin’ . . . . . .
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’
(Continue below – This is great)
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Posted in Fun Stuff | Comments Off on Just a few jokes 3/28/2017