Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience. And most of that comes from bad judgment.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt. Then things just keep getting worse.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Kids are great and see through all the adult B.S.
“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Thelma’s father thinks a bit then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
“The whole ISIS group,” she says.
“Why them,” her father asks in shock?
“Well,”she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they’d love everyone a lot. And then they’d start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn’t hate anyone anymore.”
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. “Thelma, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard. “
“I know,” Thelma says, “and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them.”
Q: How do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
A: When it’s full!
The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America ‘s health insurance situation.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .
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