Just a few jokes 3/23/2017

Written by chuck on March 22, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I hate when my wife accuses me of something I didn’t think she knew anything about.

I’m in big trouble. I stepped on a corn flake today and now I’m a cereal killer.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
Bloody hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m pissed off that you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

Dad’s reply:-

“Did you also notice they all f@#%# walked everywhere they went?!!”


Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”
“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.
“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.
“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”



Medicare Plan G

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for “Medicare Plan G”.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over yo…ur head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?



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Friends in safe places


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Chuck


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Friends in safe places.

Written by chuck on March 22, 2017 – 10:50 am -

SNOWFLAKE SONG! This Comedian did a song that is just DESTROYI…

SNOWFLAKE SONG! This Comedian did a song that is just DESTROYING the whiny little snowflakes you see constantly crying about Trump winning the election. Its epic. Leave your thoughts in the comments section below. and if you want piss off some liberals be sure to share this.Are you a Trump Deplorable? Follow us! >> I'm Deplorable

Posted by I'm Deplorable on Monday, March 20, 2017


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Why can’t all ads be like this?

Written by chuck on March 22, 2017 – 6:00 am -

The add was made for a German-based Netto Marken-Discount market and it’s awesome! This may really be the best adverts on the planet!

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Just a few jokes 3/22/2017

Written by chuck on March 21, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

For some odd reason it seems like today I am not able to finish anyth

Fun fact, The worst thing about a neighborhood is neighbors.


A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his 3 sons.
When his sons opened up the Will it read:
My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;
My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;
My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses….
As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.
So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.
The farmer friend (Alabama Graduate) read the Will patiently, after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over & added it to the 17.
That increased the total to 18 horses.
Now, he divided the horses according to their father’s Will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.
Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son……..9
Middle son…….6
Youngest son…2
TOTAL IS…….17.
Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.
Problem Solved!



A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
“If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes? he asked.
“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
“Go and get help!” he cried.
“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”
“Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.”
Holding the shoe over her private parts, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…he’s in too far.”



Department of the Navy

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, “The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant , stood up in the crowd and inquired: “How much for a season pass?”


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Disorder in the Court


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Chuck


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Disorder in the Court

Written by chuck on March 21, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Just a few jokes 3/21/2017

Written by chuck on March 20, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.

Fuhrnatooyuhr.
Stuff you sit on in the house in the south

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
with killing TERRORISTS !!

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes..

Nice. Real nice,

DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?!!



I wish this was not a joke

Other benefits President Trump intends to discuss during this evening’s prime time address include: California will now be able to act as a sanctuary state within MexiCal, noting that there is much more room for the refugees who will find the climate in the state of California more desirable than the climate in US cities such as New York City, Detroit or Chicago.

The elimination of the existing border between Mexico and California will allow drugs to flow more freely between Mexico and all the many users in Hollywood. Drug tunnel diggers at the Tijuana border will now be able to use their skills to dig tunnels under Los Angeles to help ease congestion in that city and allow rioters to set fires and to move between the city’s universities more freely.

The U.S. taxpayer will no longer be on the hook for any future disaster relief required once the next megaquake hits California.

The space in the Capitol and other DC buildings vacated by representatives of California will be fumigated and turned into “time-out rooms” for the press as well as Liberty Centers where US citizens can meet with their congressmen to discuss the pursuit of economic freedom.

Nancy Pelosi released a statement stating that she looks forward to making the Mexican President’s life miserable and prefers the year round weather in Mexico City to that of DC. Her office has already announced a schedule of fund raising activities for what is believed to be an upcoming campaign to run for President of MexiCal.

Papers released along with Trump’s statement reveal that a newly incorporated real estate company, pmurT, Inc., which was intimately involved in the deal discussions, will receive a broker fee of $25 billion on the California sale. An anonymous pmurT, Inc. representative has revealed that the profits on the deal are HUGE and will be used to purchase, develop and convert all abandoned US Federal facilities in California into special high end retreats and resorts which will assist California residents with managing their euphoria and transition into the nanny state they have so long desired to be.

The exact northern border of the new MexiCal is still under negotiation. Apparently the White House is concerned that certain members of congress may be unwilling to give up California’s wine country and are suggesting that the northern boarder align with the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge.

California residents will be issued special blue cards to cross the border into the US so that the total number of California liberals entering the US can be tracked and at any point in time not exceed predetermined levels. Residents that remain in California after the effective date of the sale will not be allowed to seek refugee status in the US in the future.

Mexican President Nieto stated he is thrilled with the deal and is looking forward to declaring Spanish the national language for his newly acquired territory and opening SSL (Spanish as a second language) schools throughout California. He also noted that funding for the transaction would come from the Mexican drug cartels, which have agreed to provide low interest loans to Mexico so long as they are allowed to move their cash out of Switzerland and the Cayman Islands back into Mexico tax free. He also said he considers the fact that a Disney park will now be located within his country an added bonus.

White House representatives refused to confirm rumors that a similar deal was in the works for the sale to Canada of certain northern and northeastern states such as Illinois and others including New York, Massachusetts, Vermont, and Maine. When asked for comment on this possible sale, New York/ Arkansas/ or Washington D C resident and former losing presidential candidate Hillary Clinton replied, “At this point, what difference does it make anyway?”

President Trump wrapped up his statement stating, “this deal is HUGE and will help Make America, albeit a little smaller, Great Again”.



Sexual harassment

Every day, a  male employee walks up very close to a  female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales
 quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice                     

After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore. 
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
                      
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening
about a co-worker telling you your hair smell nice?                      
 
“It’s  Frank.  The midget”



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When leggings go wrong, it looks like this.


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Chuck


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Don’t Bungee Jump Naked!

Written by chuck on March 20, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Just a few jokes 3/20/2017

Written by chuck on March 19, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


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Patsy Cline – She’s Got You (lip sync at high school reunion)

Written by chuck on March 19, 2017 – 6:00 am -

A funny and very well done Lip Sync at a high school reunion to “She’s Got You” by Patsy Cline. I’m sure she was the hit of her high school reunion as it is a very entertaining performance.

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Just A Few Jokes 3/25/2017

Written by chuck on March 18, 2017 – 7:02 pm -


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