Just a few jokes 2/21/2017

Written by chuck on February 20, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Lost a dear friend last night….Jose’.

At approx 3:34am, I was abruptly awakened by two gun shots and glass breakage at the opposite end of the house.

I grabbed the .45 and rolled out of bed quietly listening for any movement. My Cav training kicked in… Weaver stance, safety off, quick peek out the bedroom door, weapons hot…

No sign of movement… No sound of an intruder..

With all the stealth of Paul Blart, the mall cop, I moved thru the house clearing room by room, ch…ecking behind doors, closets, windows…..nothing was left to chance.

A quick glance of the front surveillance camera showed nothing. Rear….nothing.

I belly-crawled into the kitchen like Tom Cruise on an Impossible Mission….still no signs of a burglar.

But then I noticed….the refrigerator door ajar..

I slowly opened to find carnage and horror.

Apparently, 2 canned rolls of Pillsbury biscuits had froze and burst next to a bottle of Jose Cuervo. The impact caused it to hit the fridge door, then shatter.
Jose died from an IED..

We never talked much, and he was only a year old….but he was always there nonetheless.
Adios, amigo.

Heard on the news that balloon prices are going up. Probably due to inflation.

Two thirds of Americans can’t do fractions. The other half just don’t care.

Loving Relationship

At a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband – “I love you, Sweetheart.”

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their text.

Below are 12 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you’ll understand that these replies are a sign of “a long caring relationship.” Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don’t understand what you mean?

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buz…zard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?”

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because … her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand – the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer,” said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes, that is my final answer.”

Two minutes later, Regis said, “That answer is … absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!”

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ,” said the contestant. “How did you happen to know the right answer?”

“Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”

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