Just a few jokes 2/17/2017

Written by chuck on February 16, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

Irish Divorce

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. ;
“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously. ;

“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home todayfrom my fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marr…iage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!” ;

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law.

“There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.” ;

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. ;
“Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation………….She never got your email!” ;

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage.

Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, “WHY?” The wife replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.

She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1.”

Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with… How did 2 sticks win out!?

The perfect breakfast…….as a man sees it…
He’s sitting at the table and his son is on the cover of Wheaties, his mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and his wife is on the back of the milk carton.

(Q) What’s the best form of birth control after 50?
(A) Nudity

(Q) What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
(A) 45 lbs

(Q) What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
(A) 45 minutes

(Q) What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?”
(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.

(Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
(A) A golden retriever.

(Q) Why did OJ Simpson move to W. Virginia?
(A) Everyone has the same DNA.

(Q) What’ s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
(A) A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

(Q) What’s the Cuban national anthem?
(A) Row, row, row your boat.

(Q) What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
(A) A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time”…..A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.

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