Just a few jokes 3/1/2017

Written by chuck on February 28, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A man left Wisconsin for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip in New York and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but accidentally sent it to the wrong e-mail address. Instead of going to his wife his e-mail went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail she screamed and fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found this message displayed on her computer screen: “My darling wife: I just checked in, everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I’m looking forward to seeing you again. Your loving husband. p.s. Sure is hot down here.”

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and make bad decisions.



A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home?
Joey says “A computer.” The teacher replies, “That would be very useful.”
Kimmy says “A new lawn mower.” and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says “At my house we don’t need nothing!”
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, “No I’m sure. When Obama was re-elected, I remember my dad saying, ‘Well, that’s the last darn thing we needed.



I think You are the Father of one of my Kids!

A chap goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.She says, ‘Hello.’

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he asks, ‘Do you know me?’

To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’ Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife. So he asks, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?’

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’




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Chuck


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47 feet of snow!

Written by chuck on February 28, 2017 – 6:00 am -

Jason Samenow

The snow amounts in California’s Sierra Nevada mountain range this winter are difficult to wrap your head around. In many cases topping 500 inches, they are some of the highest totals in memory.
At the Squaw Valley Alpine Meadows resort, seven feet fell in just the past week. The snow is so high that it buried chairlifts and ski patrol shacks.

The resort has received 565 inches (47 feet) this season, including a 45-year record of 282 inches in January. On Thursday, it announced that its ski area would remain open through July 4. Since 1962, it will mark just the fourth instance of Independence Day skiing (the other years were 1998, 1999, and 2011), according to a resort spokesperson.

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Just a few jokes 2/28/2017

Written by chuck on February 27, 2017 – 10:30 pm -


Garden Snakes can be DANGEROUS…!!!

Snakes known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors
to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants.

When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream!!

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him–

“There’s a snake under the sofa!!”

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.
He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor!
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake
rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed
her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake
had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here….

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all,
when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit
the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder
when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones
in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and
all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought
they should bring in their plants for the night.
And, THAT’S when—he shot her!!!

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.” And the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one ma’am, I’m glad it’s done too!!”



A little boy asked his dad,”What’s in between mommy’s legs?” The dad said,”A door and I have the key to it.” Little boy said,”Well your friend has the spare key”



A husband and wife are watching TV. The husband says “I can’t decide between golf and porn.” The wife says “Choose porn, you already know how to golf.”

Knows why there is an opening in the front of men’s underwear. It’s so that oxygen can get to their brains.


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Anti-Trump Protesters Block Road


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Anti-Trump Protesters Block Road

Written by chuck on February 27, 2017 – 6:00 am -

Written by David Miller

Anti-Trump Protesters Block Road – Then Get A NASTY Surprise From No-Nonsense Cops

Last week, a group of anti-Trump protesters thought it would be a good idea to block traffic on a road. Unfortunately for them, however, they quickly learned they’d made a huge mistake.

Mad World News reported that hundreds of protesters took to the streets of Tucson, Arizona for their “Day Without Immigrants” protest. When they blocked a road, local police warned them that they would be physically removed from the vicinity if they did not let traffic through. When the protesters refused to cooperate, the cops had no choice but to take action.

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Just a few jokes 2/27/2017

Written by chuck on February 26, 2017 – 10:30 pm -



The Mensa Convention

There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 o…r higher. Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café.
When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper.”
But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: “Oh sorry about that.”

She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
Kind of reminds you of Washington DC., doesn’t it?

Logic
————————-

In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In India almost no one drinks red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very high and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Austria, adults smoke 2 packs of cigarettes per day, on average.

Conclusion: Drink, eat, smoke and screw all you want.
It’s speaking English that kills you.



A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?” “No” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!” “Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.”

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. “Were you sick?” her mom asked. “Yes.” “How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’.”


THIS IS THE BEST ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CNN (aka Clinton News Network) is nothing but FAKE news
A CNN reporter walks into a neighborhood tavern and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy at the end of the bar wearing a “Make America Great Again”hat. It didn’t take an Einstein to know the guy was a Donald Trump supporter.

The CNN guy shouts over to the bartender, loudly enough that everyone in the bar could hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, except for that Trump supporter.”

After the drinks were handed out the Trump guy gives the CNN guy a big smile, waves at him and says, in an equally loud voice, “Thank you!”

This infuriates the CNN reporter. So he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the guy wearing the Trump hat. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Trump guy. He just continues to smile and again yells, “Thank you!”

So the CNN guy again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Trump guy. And again the Trump guy just smiles and yells back, “Thank you!”

At that point the aggravated CNN reporter asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter with that Trump supporter? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”

“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”

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The Walking Dead: Puppy Edition


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Chuck


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The Walking Dead: Puppy Edition

Written by chuck on February 26, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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I want this, yes I really want this.

Written by chuck on February 25, 2017 – 6:00 am -


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Elephlying in Thailand Elephant Hits Woman in Thailand

Written by chuck on February 24, 2017 – 6:00 am -

I assume the elephant does not want a bath!

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Wise Words

Written by chuck on February 23, 2017 – 6:00 am -

“Once something is a passion, the motivation is there.” – Michael Schumacher
“No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking.” – Voltaire

“If I have been able to see farther than others, it was because I stood on the shoulders of giants.” – Sir Isaac Newton

“Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” – Aristotle

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” – Winston Churchill

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” – Robert McCloskey

“Never follow a bad move with a stupid move.” – Anonymous from the Accurate Reloading Forum

“It doesn’t matter how many dogs bark up the wrong tree, it is still the wrong tree.” – Fritz Perls

“If it is not factually correct, it will not be taken seriously by those who spot its errors. If it is not grammatically correct, it will not be understood. If it is not appropriate for its audience, it will be utterly useless.” – JG Ferguson

“I have no idols. I admire work, dedication and competence.” – Ayrton Senna

“Show me a man who cannot bother to do little things and I’ll show you a man who cannot be trusted to do big things.” —Lawrence Bell

“Argue for your limitations and sure enough they’re yours.” — Richard Bach
“We should every night call ourselves to an account: What infirmity have I mastered today? What passions opposed! What temptation resisted? What virtue acquired?” — Marcus Annaeus Seneca

“All of us are watchers — of television, of time clocks, of traffic on the freeway — but few are observers. Everyone is looking, not many are seeing.” — Peter M. Leschak

“Don’t find fault, find a remedy.” — Henry Ford
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.” — Art Linkletter

“You cannot speak that which you do not know. You cannot share that which you do not feel. You cannot translate that which you do not have. And you cannot give that which you do not possess. To give it and to share it, and for it to be effective, you first need to have it. Good communication starts with good preparation.” — Jim Rohn

“The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.” — Henry Ward Beecher

“There is an ancient script that says, ‘He that wishes to be ignorant, let him be ignorant.’ But I took off the last word and it now reads for me like this: He that wishes to be ignorant, let him be!” — Jim Rohn

“When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be
something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.” — Barbara J. Winter

“Determine what specific goal you want to achieve. Then dedicate yourself to its attainment with unswerving singleness of purpose, the trenchant zeal of a crusader.” -Paul J. Meyer

“How well we communicate is determined not by how well we say things, but how well we are understood.” — Andrew Grove

“Every now and then go away…for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer.” — Leonardo da Vinci

“Courage is a special kind of knowledge: the knowledge of how to fear what ought to be feared and how not to fear what ought not to be feared.” David Ben-Gurion

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. ~ Alvin Toffler.

The obvious is always least understood. ~ Prince Metternich.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. ~ Douglas Adams.

The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best — and therefore never scrutinise or question.
~ Stephen Jay Gould.

“The majority of people are ready to throw their aims and purposes overboard and give up at the first sign of opposition or misfortune. A few carry on despite all opposition until they attain their goal. There may be no heroic connotation to the word ‘persistence,’ but the quality is to the character of man what carbon is to steel.” — Napoleon Hill


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Just a few jokes 2/23/2017

Written by chuck on February 22, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

‘You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,’ the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. ‘The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the Internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies,…and, pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, ‘You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young…. So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation?’

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Memphis, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking….. moaning in fear.
“What’s the matter?” Bob asked.

“I’ve been transferred to Memphis – I’ve heard the people are crazy there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”

Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Memphis all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”


I wonder if a bear had no teeth, would it be a gummy bear?

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How to hang a picture


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