Just a few jokes 2/1/2017

Written by chuck on January 31, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I have always wanted to drive a train. I signed up for engineering classes. what a misleading class had nothing to do with trains.



She’s single… She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my Dog?”

Being a senior citizen, really SUCKS!!!



This has been around, but it is still very funny.

Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen,…the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone
in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire plug and a car hit me.

Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.



When asked what he thought about General Mattis being named Secretary of Defense, Rob O’Neill
(the man who killed Osama Bin Laden) said, “General Mattis has a bear rug in his home but it
is not dead – it is just afraid to move”.


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Fla. pastor flees naked and afraid, begs forgiveness for tryst


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Immigration, World Poverty and Gumballs

Written by chuck on January 31, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Just a few jokes 1/31/2017

Written by chuck on January 30, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

If brain sucking zombies invaded Hollywood…they’d starve.

The Irish guy said…………..

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best
toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside Me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he
fell asleep”.


Lies parents tell their kids.


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bat…h.
“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only
here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”


The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.
Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $100 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser’s every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.
Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?



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No one can drive on ice


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No one can drive on ice


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Just a few jokes 1/30/2017

Written by chuck on January 29, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

I don’t think you can claim it as a wet dream when you wake up drooling.



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Great way to get folks off of your land


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No one can drive on ice

Written by chuck on January 29, 2017 – 6:00 am -

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Challenger Disaster Live on CNN 1/28/1986

Written by chuck on January 28, 2017 – 2:49 pm -


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Great way to get folks off of your land

Written by chuck on January 28, 2017 – 6:00 am -

This farmer had leased his land for fracking purposes, and when the protesters showed up, he sprayed them with a bunch of poop.

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Just a few jokes 1/27/2017

Written by chuck on January 26, 2017 – 10:30 pm -

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart.

It’s Sue. I’m on the train.” “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.”

“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.”

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.

This printed in a Texas newspaper : The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106. On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning. He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, “father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven’t been drinking have you?”
“No my son. Why would you ask that?”
“Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you.”
“Oh my son, that’s just holy water.”
“OK father. So why is it in a bag?”…
“Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays.”
“Mind if I take a sip?”
“Not at all my son.”
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out…
“Father, this is wine.”
The preacher, “PRAISE THE LORD. HE’S DONE IT AGAIN!!..



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Colonoscopy Journal:


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Just a few jokes 1/26/2017

Written by chuck on January 26, 2017 – 8:12 am -

WHY DO WE ONLY REST IN PEACE? WHY DON’T WE LIVE IN PEACE!

Perspectives to ponder

I suspect several are incorrectly attributed. Nevertheless …

Quotes on Sex

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.”

Lynn Lavner

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”

George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”

Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”

Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”

Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

Robin Williams

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front
of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”

Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
So what’s the problem?”

Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked !”

Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to
run one at a time.”

Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”

Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you
pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

Oscar Wilde

Kentucky Fried Chicken has just introduced the Hillary Bucket:
2 large thighs 2 small breasts and 2 left wings

I like KFC and enjoy going there; however, I don’t believe I’ll be ordering this new menu item. LOL!!



Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for 1,000 cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell. He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.” They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.” They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”

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Colonoscopy Journal:

Written by chuck on January 26, 2017 – 6:00 am -

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

For anyone who has ever had the experience!

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’
I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..

At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.
‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me..
‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies…

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc.. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’
6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’
10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

And the best one of all:
13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’


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