Just a few jokes 12/01/2016

Written by chuck on November 30, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “from the tip of my weenie to my testicles.”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop ’em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back.

My God!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old Chief calmly replied . . “Vietnam.”

not a single person

There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, “Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?”

The old woman looked up at her and said: “Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a dumb bitch like you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.”
~ God Bless America


not a gun

She’s single… She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, “I just got home,
and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight.
Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great,”she said. “Can you watch my dog?”
Being a senior citizen really sucks!


woman-wants-husband

WHAT’S UP?

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP.”

It’s easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP .

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP , look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

take-this-to-the-bedroom

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President Trump works as a Waiter at his own Hotel


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Chuck

President Trump works as a Waiter at his own Hotel


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The Problem With Millennials!

Written by chuck on November 30, 2016 – 6:00 am -

The Problem With Millennials! Through the eyes of a millennial.

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Just a few jokes 11/30/2016

Written by chuck on November 29, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

Please click here for more good stuff
A friend of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, “How can you tell them apart?” He said, “Her brother has a
moustache”

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said “I can’t wait for the new 911 to arrive!” Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk … “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway

brain like the bermuda triangle

The Wife from Hell
A police officer pulls over a…
speeding car. The officer says, “I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

“Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once ?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second
ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine. ‘

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt
when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket , the driver turns to his wife and
barks, ‘ W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am? ‘

(I love this part)

‘Only when he’s been drinking.! ‘


13-reasons-to-use-an-iron-skillet

Male logic… flawless

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply,
but then she is speechless after answering only one question.

l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?


18 months for twins

Late breaking headlines

HILLARY BLAMES LOSS ON LOW DEAD VOTER TURNOUT

ACORN PRESIDENT BAFFLED BY LOSS, “I VOTED FOR HER 8 TIMES???????”

HARDWARE STORES IN NEW YORK REPORT A RUN ON SLEDGE HAMMERS AND POWER DRILLS BY THE CLINTON FOUNDATION

HILLARY AWAKENED SCREAMING BY HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE–ATTORNEY GENERAL RUDY GIULIANI

LARGE FIREWORKS DISPLAY FOR SALE CHEAP

NOT A DRY EYE IN RED STATES OR A DRY SEAT IN MEXICO

RELOCATION SERVICES BAFFLED BY LACK OF CALLS FROM HOLLYWOOD

CLINTON FOUNDATION FLOODED WITH EMAILS DEMANDING REFUNDS

AL GORE BLAMES HILLARY’S LOSS ON GLOBAL WARMING

OBAMA PREPARING PRESIDENTIAL PARDONS FOR HIMSELF AND ENTIRE DEMOCRAT PARTY
IRS HAS JUST GIVEN IMMEDIATE BLANKET APPROVAL TO ALL TEA PARTY APPLICATIONS

MAINSTREAM MEDIA PUT ON SUICIDE WATCH
HILLARY HAS REDUCED SPEAKING FEES FROM $250,000 TO $250.00

TIM KAINE ARRESTED AT 4:00 AM FOR DUI AFTER LEAVING HILLARY VICTORY PARTY

IRANIAN LEADERS HEARD SCREAMING “LIFE TO AMERICA”

ANTHONY WEINER FOUND DEAD AFTER SHOOTING HIMSELF SIX TIMES IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A SINGLE SHOT RIFLE


a href=”http://www.ourlighterside.com/common-sense/”>common sense

click here

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Chuck

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President Trump works as a Waiter at his own Hotel …

Written by chuck on November 29, 2016 – 6:00 am -

walks the dog, etc.

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OUR LIGHTER SIDE “R” Rated 11/29/2016

Written by chuck on November 28, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

I send out a new post everyday. Everyday please go to:

ourlighterside.com

r-rated

In 1944: 18 year olds storm the beach of Normandy into almost certain death.

In 2016: 18 year olds need a safe place, coloring books and Play Dough because words hurt their feelings.

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.

How My Friend Got Her Money Back

Viola in Pink

10 Simple WD 40 Life Hacks

________________________

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

“Mum” said the boy “what are all those women doing?” “They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money!”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says “Is that true mum?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver, finally answers “Yes”.

After a few minutes, the kid asks “Mum, if those women have babies, what happens to them?” She said “Most of them become taxi drivers”.

________________________

How My Friend Got Her Money Back

She goes into Wal-Mart and and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
“GRAB MY BREASTS!” “GRAB MY BREASTS!”

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the woman and asks, “What’s wrong?” She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!”

In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?”

In a huff, the woman says,
“BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!”

Her money was refunded!

________________________

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________________________

click here

10 Simple WD 40 Life Hacks

________________________


Please share my blog with your friends.

Thanks,

Chuck

**********************************

DISCLAIMER! There may be errors in this post. Any errors or “typos” you find were also found by me less than 10 minutes after I sent it out. As far as spelling is concerned, Mark Twain once said, I feel bad for the man that can’t spell a word more than one way.

—————
Adult Humor
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Please tell your friends about OLS!

Send them this address http://www.ourlighterside.com

Send Jokes and stuff to: ols@ourlighterside.com

Thanks,

Chuck
Birmingham, Alabama


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Put Racism To its right place

Written by chuck on November 28, 2016 – 6:00 am -

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Just a few jokes 11/28/2016

Written by chuck on November 27, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You’ll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes.”

“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the Daughter is in her 20’s and has a strong sex drive.

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me?”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . .you started it.”

trump-peeing

At sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one
point. The question was – where do women mostly have curly
hair? Apparently, it’s Africa

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly
found in cells. It appears that Muslims and Aborigines is
not the correct answer

I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the
new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch
Kids is not a good product name.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened here Westfield, but
I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some
bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at
least they drive slowly past schools

drug-testing

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine looks at the man and says,
“Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man says,
“Okay,” and walks away.
The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine again tells the man,
“Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanks him and again walks away.
On the third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says,
“Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looks at the Marine and says,
“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
“See you tomorrow, Sir.”


going-to-bed-early

grandmother--cooking


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Thanks,

Chuck


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10 Awesome Bar Bets!

Written by chuck on November 27, 2016 – 6:00 am -

Don’t go to bars? Works at Coffee Shops! But you must bring an empty beer bottle. :)

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10 Simple WD 40 Life Hacks

Written by chuck on November 26, 2016 – 6:00 am -

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10 HOUSE REPAIR LIFE HACKS YOU SHOULD KNOW!

Written by chuck on November 26, 2016 – 6:00 am -

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