Just a few jokes 9/1/2016

Written by chuck on August 31, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

How men differ from women in remembering the past

A wife was curious when she found an old negative in a drawer and had it made into a print.

She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband.

When she showed him the photo, his face lit up.

“Wow, look at that!”, he said with appreciation,

“That’s my old ‘49 Ford!!”


wrong

VERNON’S FUNERAL

Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends 
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every 
Saturday.
 
His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, 
so for his birthday she takes him to a local 
strip club. 
 
 
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 
“Hey, Vern! How ya doing?” 
 
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to 
this club before.
 
“Oh no,” says Vern.”He’s in my bowling league…” 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern 
if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. 
 
 
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable 
and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” 
 
“I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.” 
 
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her 
arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all 
over him and says…
“Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” 
 
Vern’s wife, now furious, 
grabs her purse and 
storms out of the club. 
 
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in 
beside her. 
 
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper 
must have mistaken him for someone else, 
but his wife is having none of it. 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, 
calling him every 4 letter word in the book.. 
 
The cabby turns around and says, 
 
‘Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.’ 

 
VERN’S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2:00 PM


san diego zoo cool bobcat exhibit

Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc.

These loops never happen in real life, unless…

A company CEO tells his secretary:

“Next week we’re going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements.”

The secretary calls her husband:

“Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time.”

The husband calls his lover:

“My wife is going abroad for a week, lets spend it together…”

The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children:

“Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you’ll be studying at home.”

One of the kids went to his grandfather and said:

“Grandpa, next week I don’t have school, you promised me that if I had time off we’d go to the mountains together.”

The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her:

“My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we’re not going abroad.”

The secretary calls her husband:
“The boss cancelled, we’ll be together, my love.”

The husband calls his lover:
“We can’t spend the week together, my wife is staying.”

The lover tells the kids:

“My problem was solved, school is back on.”

The kid goes to the grandfather:

“Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won’t be able to go.”

The CEO calls his secretary:

“My grandson won’t be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad”

The secretary calls her husband….


old fart

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some History.  Who said: ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?” 
  
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
  
“Patrick Henry, 1775,”  he said. 
  
“Very good! 
  
Who said:  ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’?”
  
Again, no response except from Little Akio: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.” 
  
“Excellent!” said the teacher continuing. “Let’s try one a bit more difficult.
  
Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?” 
  
Once again, Akio’s was the only hand in the air and he said: “John F. Kennedy, 1961.” 
  
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
  
Little Akio isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.” 
  
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Japs.” 
  
“Who said that? I want to know right now !” …she angrily demanded. 
Little Akio put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.” 
  
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.” 
  
The teacher glares around and asks, “All right! Now who said that?” Again, Little Akio says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.” 
  
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” 
  
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
  
“Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!” 
  
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little s—! If you say anything else, I’ll kill you!” 
  
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.” 
  
The teacher fainted. 
  
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh S—, we are finished.” 
  
Little Akio said quietly, “Americans, if Hillary gets elected.”

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Bathing in 1250 Bottles of Hot Sauce


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Bathing in 1250 Bottles of Hot Sauce

Written by chuck on August 31, 2016 – 6:00 am -

Warning: May contain content that is unsuitable for some.

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Just a few jokes 8/31/2016

Written by chuck on August 30, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous Blonde sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks… They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. . ..

Wait for it .. …..

It’s coming …. …..

The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?

She said … ..:

‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)


without muslims

After digging to a depth of 10 feet last year outside Buffalo, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. 

They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly afterward, a story in the LA Times read, “California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.

One week later, a local newspaper in Green Bay, Wisconsin reported, “After digging 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Sobieski, Wisconsin, Ole Olson, a heck of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wisconsin had already gone wireless.

Just makes a person proud to be from Wisconsin!!!


hillary floor clean

The Height Of Misunderstanding
 
Mr. Padro comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: “I have great news… I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby!, The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

The next day, Mrs. Padro receives a telephone call from Gas & Energy Co. because the electricity bill has not been paid.

“Am I speaking to Mrs. Padro?”

“Yes… speaking”

Gas & Energy Co. guy, “You’re a month overdue, Mam, you know!?”

“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.

“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the Gas & Enrgy Co. guy.

“What are you saying? It’s in your files… HOW ???”
“Yes … We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”
” GOD !!! This is too much…”

“Madam, I am sorry… I am just following orders… I have to inform that you are overdue…”

“I know that… let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow..”

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he mad as a bull, rushes to Gas & Energy Co. office the next day morning.

“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts..

“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at Gas & Energy & Co., “it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”

“PAY you? And if I refuse?”

“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off..”

“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.

“Well… I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle. !!!”
and Mr. Padro fainted.


dog hot car

E = mc2
 
 If you were to strip naked and run around in a circle at the speed of 299.8 mm/sec (the speed of light) it would theoretically be possible for you to screw yourself.
 
However, since you are not physically capable of achieving that speed at your age, you can easily accomplish the same result by:

 
Voting Democratic in the Nov. 8, 2016, election.

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Any guy can relate to this mystery


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Chuck


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Any guy can relate to this mystery

Written by chuck on August 30, 2016 – 6:00 am -

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Just a few jokes 8/30/2016

Written by chuck on August 29, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

The Deaf Wife Problem: 

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. 

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.  

‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. 

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’  

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens. 

Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ No response.  

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner? Still no response. 

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’  Again he gets no response. 

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’  Again there is no response. 

So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’
(I just love this)  
‘For Heaven’s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!’


slow drivers look stupid

Australian Barber .

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, for a
shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks
are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the
old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest
shave he’d had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if
he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, ” Mate, just bring it back in a couple of days like
everyone else does.”


sex at 82

Five Horses is her name
 
    
This is too beautiful not to share!  
Five Horses Is Her Name  
This is mythical and deep.  
Truly beautiful…

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She is called Five Horses”.

The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?”

The Old Indian answered,
“It old Indian name. It mean…

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
 


asshole

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The secret life of Mayberry’s Thelma Lou


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Chuck


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The secret life of Mayberry’s Thelma Lou

Written by chuck on August 29, 2016 – 6:00 am -

By Mark Washburn

mwashburn@charlotteobserver.com

MOUNT AIRY

After Thelma Lou, Betty Lynn had a problem.
A scrapbook picture of Betty Lynn when she performed for the USO in World War II. She was told not to keep a diary in case she was captured by the enemy.

A successful actress who had played in movies opposite Hollywood heavyweights like Loretta Young and Robert Montgomery, she couldn’t find major work.

“All I got were calls for backwoods women,” she says. “I’d been typecast.”

Her role as the all-American, apple-pie-sweet girlfriend of a bumbling deputy sheriff had been seared into the national conscience by one of the biggest TV shows of the 1960s – “The Andy Griffith Show.”

Not only did she never escape the celebrity of her role, she eventually came to retire in Mount Airy, the very town that served as the model for the mythic Mayberry, a sort of Camelot in bib overalls where homespun values were cherished and every bully got his comeuppance.

People fool themselves about Betty Lynn. Like Hollywood casting agents, they can’t shake the lovely Thelma Lou.

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OUR LIGHTER SIDE “R” Rated 8/29/2016

Written by chuck on August 28, 2016 – 10:30 pm -

r-rated

men smarter during  sex

Questions

Cartoons

Eye Candy

“Gun Free Zone” is just another way of saying “Crime Friendly Zone”

________________________

Question: Why is the “69” position also called the “smokers’ position?”
Answer:   Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.
  
Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer:   Because it’s HANDMADE!!

An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he showed five fingers to his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. darling!  5 times?
Old man    : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.

Man 1  : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird & says “1st gear, 2nd gear…”.
Man 2  : My wife is worse, she puts my bird inside her and says “Full Tank Please”.

Question: What is the closest thing similar to a woman’s period?
Answer  : Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days & if it doesn’t come, it means you are in big trouble.

2 prostitutes (Bitches) were in a taxi, on their way home after “work”.
Bitch 1 :  I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 :  Sorry, I burped!!!

A woman gave birth to 6 babies & seeing this, she immediately got out of hospital, slapped her husband & shouted,
“I told you not to go doggy style!”

A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.
The teller says, “Sorry, madam, the note is a fake”.
“Oh no!” exclaimed the prostitute, “I have been… raped!!”.

Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this?
Man: “The truth is that she has a big mouth!”

A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love.
She said, “Aww, so solly… exkooz me pleazo, Flont hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud”.

 
What is common between a swimming pool and a wife?
For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.

Love is a complicated piece of machinery.
Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.

Sex is like a card game. If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

What’s the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Whoever first said that “A dog is man’s best friend” has never seen a pussy before.

________________________

doge style

slow drivers look stupid

play the flute

right person

the-quickest-way-to-ruin-your-childhood-amp-amp-future-sex-life_gp_1778683

________________________
eye candy

nice ass

we have spell check

very sexy

tug-life-5

tug-life-0

________________________

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“Gun Free Zone” is just another way of saying “Crime Friendly Zone”

________________________


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Thanks,

Chuck

**********************************

DISCLAIMER! There may be errors in this post. Any errors or “typos” you find were also found by me less than 10 minutes after I sent it out. As far as spelling is concerned, Mark Twain once said, I feel bad for the man that can’t spell a word more than one way.

—————
Adult Humor
—————

Thanks for reading OLS and Chuck’s blog.

Please tell your friends about OLS!

Send them this address http://www.ourlighterside.com

Send Jokes and stuff to: ols@ourlighterside.com

Thanks,

Chuck
Birmingham, Alabama


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Gun Free Zone” is just another way of saying “Crime Friendly Zone”

Written by chuck on August 28, 2016 – 6:00 am -

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Magic: The Indian Rope Trick

Written by chuck on August 27, 2016 – 6:00 am -

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12 Year Old Raped

Written by chuck on August 26, 2016 – 6:00 am -

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