OUR LIGHTER SIDE 5/1/2015

Written by chuck on April 30, 2015 – 10:30 pm -


You have a dirty mind! Not what it looks like.

ols-gif-5-30-15

r-rated


Three rules for healthy teeth and gums:
Brush after each meal
Have regular checkups.
Mind your own business.

A man wants to introduce his nephew to the game of sex.

How to be a good wife, then some jokes

Cow Girl Hats
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A man wants to introduce his nephew to the game of sex.
The young man is worried that he might not do it right so his uncle comes up with a plan.
The young man will get a hooker, wine her and dine her, then take her back to his apartment for a night of pleasure.

The uncle will be in the bedroom closet so if the boy has a problem, he can shout it out,?
and from the closet will come the answer about what to do. That night everything is going according to the plan.

When they get back to the apartment the hooker gets into bed while the young man goes to the bathroom to put on a condom.

The hooker suddenly gets a cramp and must go to the bathroom now!

She feels around the bed and grabs an empty shoe box and takes a big dump in it.
Now here comes the young man walking in the dark room.
He steps in the shoe box and shouts out, “There’s shit in the box, there’s shit in the box.
From the closet comes the reply, “Then roll her over!”

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Request: If you order from Amazon, please use the link on my main page. This helps supports my blog and Eye-Candy! Thanks… Chuck

Please tell your friends about Chuck’s blog and OLS
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How to be a good wife, then some jokes

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DISCLAIMER! There may be errors in this post. Any errors or “typos” you find were also found by me less than 10 minutes after I sent it out. As far as spelling is concerned, Mark Twain once said, I feel bad for the man that can’t spell a word more than one way.

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Adult Humor
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Thanks for reading OLS and Chuck’s blog.

Please tell your friends about OLS!

Send them this address http://www.ourlighterside.com

Send Jokes and stuff to: ols@ourlighterside.com

Thanks,

Chuck
Birmingham, Alabama


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Just a few more funny jokes

Written by chuck on April 30, 2015 – 12:55 pm -

How to be a good wife

Bobby sees a couple of dogs mating

His teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me mad, Tyrone.”

Cell phone etiquette


How to be a good wife

goodwifes


– Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

– Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

– Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

– Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

– During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

– Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

– Be happy to see him.

– Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

– Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

– Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

– Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

– Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

– Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

– Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.

You have no right to question him.

– A good wife always knows her place.


the_focused_reader_02

Little Bobby and his father are driving down the street and Bobby sees a couple of dogs mating … “Daddy, what are those dogs doing?” asks Bobby with innocent curiosity.

“Well son, they are making puppies” says dad, dreading the idea of having to explain the facts of life. “Okay” says Bobby and starts on about the days events at school.

Later that night little Bobby gets up to go to the bathroom, passing his parents room he hears strange noises. Quietly he opens the door and, yep you guessed, he sees mom and dad going away at it. “DADDY! What are you doing to Mommy?”

Dad jumps off mom, and begins to stammer, realizing that now he WILL have to explain. Gathering his cool, he calmly says “well Bobby, mommy and daddy are making you a new brother or sister.”

Little Bobby looks back and forth from mom to dad, firmly placing his fists on his hips and boldly demands “Turn her over, I want PUPPIES!!” ?


the_focused_reader_02

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me mad, Tyrone.”

One day Tyrone’s mom came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never she seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and, wanting to give her son a fresh start, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Suddenly, her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died .

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Oh don’t tell me you seriously thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.
 
 
Well maybe you did if you voted for Obama


the_focused_reader_02

Cell phone etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down
in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.

She started talking in a loud voice:

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”. “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life.

Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!” Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her mobile phone in public any longer.


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Please help support my blog. Please order from amazon from my link. It cost you nothing but I received a few cents on every order. Thanks.



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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 4/30/2015

Written by chuck on April 29, 2015 – 10:30 pm -

hangloose

r-rated

Slight Morning Problem

More funny jokes

THE TAXMAN

Eye Candy
Read more »


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More funny jokes

Written by chuck on April 29, 2015 – 8:38 am -

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years, died, his wife, Myrtle
was devastated.

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle
anxiously  looked for Joe.?

Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another
woman.

She ran towards him, calling his name: “Joe. Darling…Joe.”

Joe said: “Hold your horses woman, and don’t ‘darling’ me. The deal? was very clear…’Until death do us part!”‘


the_focused_reader_02

A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were shopping in
crowded mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the
evening, and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He
announced in a loud voice, “If you don’t stop insulting me, I’m not?
going to marry you!”

He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted, but
his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, “That’s
okay. I won’t tell you who the father is!”?


the_focused_reader_02

A wasp stung him on the penis.
He made an urgent visit to his doctor and explained the situation.

“Please can you remove the sting, Doctor?” he pleaded. “But don’t do?
anything about the swelling.”


the_focused_reader_02

CAN ANYONE RELATE?*

*Random thoughts as we age …*

*The biggest lie I tell myself is …”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll
 remember it.”*

*Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
 minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!*

*Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met
 yet!*

*I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
    *I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!*

*Old age is coming at a really bad time!*

*Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
 courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I
 finally snap!*

*I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.*

*My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs
 work.*

*Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
 piece of paper.*

*If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.*

*The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no”
 which is shorter than “yes”*

*I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that
 second week.*

*When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people” ?*

*Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … But it can muffle the sound!*

*Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me
 to someone I can’t understand anyway?*

*Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.*

*Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?*

*At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I
 came in there for.*

*Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree …that makes it a plant which
 means … Chocolate is Salad !!!*


the_focused_reader_02

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

“Do you enjoy it?”  The doctor asked.
“Actually, yes, I do.”
”Does it hurt you?” he asked.
“No.. I rather like it.”
”Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t?
practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”

The woman was mystified.  “What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Of course,” the doctor replied. “From  where do you think our politicians come from??!!!”


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Please help support my blog. Please order from amazon from my link. It cost you nothing but I received a few cents on every order. Thanks.



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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 4/29/2015

Written by chuck on April 28, 2015 – 10:30 pm -

jenner to donate balls to obama fb 4-28-15 ols 4-29-15

r-rated


Why does Flammable & Inflammable mean the same thing?

Who likes women?

A few things I can no longer do at my age.

Smoking in the bar!

Plumbing Parts
Read more »


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Dr Barbara Bellar sums up Obamacare in one sentence.

Written by chuck on April 28, 2015 – 7:48 am -


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Please help support my blog. Please order from amazon from my link. It cost you nothing but I received a few cents on every order. Thanks.



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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 4/28/2015

Written by chuck on April 27, 2015 – 10:30 pm -

wild-sex

r-rated


The therapist asked me if I talked to my wife after sex.
I told him “only if there was a phone nearby!!!!”

Thousands of Americans Send Cigars to Hillary Clinton

Why did the plane crash?

Remember the movie Basic Instinct? Remember when Sharon Stone uncrossed her legs?
Read more »


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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 4/27/2015

Written by chuck on April 26, 2015 – 10:30 pm -

r-rated


A California man beaten by cops after he fell off a horse during his getaway has been awarded $650,000. That’s the first time anyone has won that much money off a slow horse!

Florida man tries to kiss a Cottonmouth

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life

A, B, C, D etc.

Eye Candy
Read more »


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Just a more clean jokes

Written by chuck on April 26, 2015 – 6:35 pm -


Crippled Mexican at the Welfare Office

crippled mexican welfare office

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2015:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally….

9. Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang


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A little humor from a Dad.

A new generation? Sheeeeeesh!
Daughter to Dad TEXTING Communication in Today’s Generation

Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check book. LOL

I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in  Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, “I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really  big wedding.”

Lots of love and thanks,

Your favorite daughter,

Lilly

Dads reply ….also by texting

My Dear Lilly:
Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever….., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all  through Paypal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
L.O.L.  (lots of love),
Daddy


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A  Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.

He  tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.  Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter.”

The  priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”


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A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”


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Wing Suiter Meets His Maker


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It’s tough to admit, but there are a couple of these that I just ​can’t do any more

Written by chuck on April 26, 2015 – 11:20 am -


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Please help support my blog. Please order from amazon from my link. It cost you nothing but I received a few cents on every order. Thanks.



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